Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My emotions have been on a more even keel this week. After a rough time last weekend...and two days of him calling me at work (I hung up on him each time) he has been quiet rest of the week. I struggle with weekends though...for several reasons. First I guess it's because my weekends used to be all about him and I still haven't figured out how to make them about me now. Second is because I know he spends the entire weekend now with his new supply. I'm not so much angry that he has that...I knew he would. It bothers me that he has it so easily...based on lies and an act of course. And I guess I still struggle with the lie of it all. This man told me everything I wanted to hear when he was being nice. I lived for those rewards. I wrapped up my entire self esteem in those rewards.
So I have some friends coming over tonight, planning on going for a long overdue haircut tomorrow, and my son has a football game this weekend. Sticking with my journaling...it does help. Hope this is a good weekend not only for me..but for all of you!
Recovering from abuse takes a long time. And, it is not a very linear path. It's more like a mad roller coaster ride, especially when we aren't totally No Contact. Going total No Contact is REALLY hard. I broke No Contact more times than I can count. But the longer I was able to stay No Contact, the better I felt.
It's very hard to make that shift from everything being all about the abuser to it being about you. You might start by "interviewing" yourself. Write out questions to ask yourself as if you were asking another person. What is your favorite food, song, movie, color, etc.? What do/would you like to do? What did you enjoy doing before you met him?
As for your self esteem being wrapped up in the rewards... It might help to begin asking yourself what's stopping you from rewarding yourself? You deserve it. It will take time and therapy with a qualified counselor who specializes in recovery from abuse to regain your self esteem and sense of self worth, learn to set & keep boundaries and how to trust your inner knowing. But it is well worth the effort.
Good for you for keeping up with your journaling and for the wonderful plans you have this weekend. Enjoy every moment!!! You deserve it!
~healing hugs~
PS, A very wise therapist once told me that in order to have a healthy happy relationship w/another person, we must first have that with ourselves. And she was/is 1000% right! Focus on falling in love with, and creating a healthy relationship, yourself! :-)