I was in a healthy,or healthier relationship 42 years ago, in highschool. It didn't involve yelling.....I have seen healthy relationships...there may be yelling once in a blue moon, but not every day. Most differences are resolved by discussion, working it out, give and take. If it's healthy, if it's loving, it raises you, it lifts you....

If it doesn't, if it hurts you...if it makes you feel bad about yourself....if it is a constant struggle to maintain your balance, your self esteem, if you are always trying to keep the peace...it's abusive.

Love doesn't hurt. Period. End of story.

Someone who yells at his family all the time is simply trying to maintain control...power and control....that's what abuse is all about. Nothing else. don't think for a second that it has anything to do with love...

Have your read Lundy Bancroft's book? "Why Does He do that? Inside the MInds of Angry adn Controlling Men" It was the eye opener for me...I think it will be for you too if it hasn't been already.

It's possible that once in awhile
we all lose it and yell.

People who are healthy, feel
badly about yelling at someone
they love, afterward. They apologize
and may never do it again, or probably
not anytime in the next decade.

People who are healthy may not
leave if someone they love
yells at them once.

Twice . . . . . . for me. . . . would be thin ice.

Three times?

Drop off the key, Lee.
I'm outta here.

As HM said,
a healthy relationship
supports you, nurtures you,
enriches you.

If it doesn't. . . . . . it's not worth
the compromise that relationship requires.

Possum - I have the same issue. My H has been telling me for years that our relationship is normal. When I stand up for myself and say my friends aren't made to feel like I do, aren't called names and their H's are happy for them to go out (and 100 different other things) he just tells me I can't possibly know what goes on in other people's relationships, all my friends are liars, they don't tell the truth about what is normal.
I'm frightened that if I do get out, I'll be unable to have a 'normal' relationship, either because there's no such thing, or I'll screw it up with my behaviour and the things I've got used to doing to try not to upset him. Hugs to you Possum, stay strong.

Thanx everyone

Imnotcrazy, I can really relate to your comments. It gets so hard to know what a normal relationship is and what you should tolerate

I guess it's a bit like the frog that gets put in cold water and heated up. You learn to put up with things you would never have dreamed of. Especially when you are told that they are normal

My husband tells me that I have no idea how to relate and that in a 'normal' relationship it is fine to yell or say whatever you feel because your partner loves you and understands that you are just hurt, angry, frustrated, whatever. So when I say I don't like his behaviour, he feels that I don't love or accept him

Problem is, no matter how much I tell myself this, my heart can't accept it. I am not a forceful personality, I don't yell or even speak loudly and I can't stand being yelled at. I find it intimidating and threatening. So does this make me wrong? Is my way of relating really faulty or just different? Surely there should be room for compromise.

possumlady - it is EXACTLY like the frog who gets slowly boiled and doesn't know what is happening! it is so gradual and seamless that our whole perception of reality changes without us even realizing it.

my bf also tells me that he should be able to say anything he feels (in whatever tone or manner he wants) and that if I have a problem with it it means i want everybody to let me do whatever i want and not question me. that i am stifling him, and he'll say, "fine, i'll never say anything again becasue you're not mature enough to handle it"

i think in a "normal" relationship there aren't rules about what you can/cannot say because with real love there are things you just don'e say because you LOVE them!! I know there are things that would hurt my BF and i would NEVER say them, because I am not abusive. abusive men don't have this compassion/caring piece to them, and that's why you're having to try to do it for him.

It is NOT you with the problem. You're just asking for loving and respectful treatment. what you deserve.

my husband says EXACTLY the same things to me!!!!

that everybody fights and yells.

that NOBODY has it as good as I do.

that all my friends are abused and I'm not!

he even told me one day that my mom and two sisters get hit by their husbands/boyfriends.

my jaw dropped to the ground-because it was the stupidest thing he ever said! none of them are getting hit or even getting abused (well, my step dad might be emotionally abusive-I don't know-he's cranky and picky)..

but man, my sister would pound her boyfriend into the ground if he ever touched her-he might even be afraid of her!

but it was such a stupid thing to say...a stupid lie told to someone who knows better than him...

so yeah-we're all picky and whiny and don't know when we have it good..

whatever.