Sounds rough. I'd vote that a good response is reminding yourself that he can be happy or miserable, pine away or live the high life - it doesn't change your life at all. Jealousy and hurt at being forgotten are completely natural, sadly. But pull that focus back to yourself - what do YOU need? Be kind to yourself. Maybe a treat, when you feel the urge for a latte or a chocolate shake or whatever it is that's your treat? You deserve it! :)

Welcome to the forum.

Ultimately, his abuse
will come out.

I'm so glad you're away
and now picking up the
pieces.

Life free of abuse
DOES get BETTER.

Might you be able to
get any kind of counseling?
You might consider visiting
the local women's center.
They might be able to, either
set you up with counseling
or point you in a direction
of an agency that could
provide valuable resources.

Please take good care.

Sending hugs and
healing thoughts.

They all do this, more often than not. He only cares for his ego, not for you or her. Hard truth, but truth nonetheless.

Bax makes some very good points.

And you are right- she will only think you are jealous and crazy. It is ok to be hurt, but work through that hurt, and focus on you and what you can do for yourself to start healing.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. The focusing on me part is hard. I think it's fear...fear that I might not be able to create a life I love on my own. Fear that I will be alone. Fear that he will change. Fear, fear, fear. But I'm trying hard to face it. Thx again!

I know it is really tough, especially having your dream so close---Could have so easily been my dream.
I really feel for you, but, so you feel better, I would like you to really think about what was happening in your life and that you and your friend have your horses together at a different ranch. You are now abuse free and are able to do what you want, when you want without being screamed at.

He has NOT found love again. He has found a victim. Abusers do not feel love like a normal person. Something in their brain is off.

Here is the big thing I want you to think about. You know exactly how the gf feels----Just like YOU when you started going out with you and he was pouring on his charms to trap you.
She was you. and she does not have a pleasant road ahead, just like you.
Trust me, it will all come back to bite your ex in the *ss when he is older and so alone because everyone will have his number.
What goes around ALWAYS comes around. You won't have to do a thing. He will get what he deserves.
In the mean time. Please focus on yourself and making you happy. Do something special for yourself every day.
I would not try and warn the girlfriend, at least not now. I believe he would just lie his way out of anything you would say. I don't think she would believe you, and it would just cause you more pain.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is hard. We're often trained not to. To feel guilty for it. Fear is natural. No one wants to be alone - but remember that you're a great person to spend time with! If you're not, learn to be - but I'll bet you are. If he changes, that doesn't really impact you, unless you choose to build a new relationship with him, with new rules and boundaries. And as long as you live, you'll have a life. It's your choice how much color you would like it to have. It can be all blacks and whites and greys, if you like - that seems a bit depressing of life to me, but hey - your choice. Or you can go nuts with reds and yellows and pinks. Myself, I'm inclined to somber colors - mahogony, navy, forest, maroon. Both literally and figuratively.

What do you like to do? Jog? Yoga? Study philosophy? Church? Volunteer? Softball? Sing? Do that. That's a good thing, and a color to start basing your new life around. And have fun as you redecorate yourself - that trial and error process is part of the joy :)

If I may suggest -

I'm not sure how you know about his new relationship - sometimes it hard to avoid if you share common friends or co workers. But do your best to avoid him completely - this may mean staying off of facebook, staying out of his part of town, etc. This is a struggle for anyone after a breakup, and the best way to avoid the triggers is to just avoid him.

It sounds like you are caught in the "maybe I was the problem" loop. Trust me, we have all been there. Just remember, at one time you were his new "love" and I am sure his previous girlfriend was in the exact same hurting position you are in now. Abusers leave a trail of victims, and eventually the new "love" becomes the next victim.

These is a common saying on this forum that is extremely true

"The only thing abusers change is their victims"

He won't change! He may act a certain way but underneath he will still be him and in time the real him will show its ugly head!

No matter who he's with, it's not down the the girl he's with as to who he is! He will be himself with anyone, no one changes people, people only change themselves, abusers tend to never change!

I disagree """""He is so handsome, sensitive, sweet and charming. """""

No he's not, he's ugly, insensitive, nasty and manipulative! She's got that in reality! I feel sorry for her!

Agreed, Kaz!

Thanks so much everyone. You folks are amazing and insightful. I know about the new gf because about a month and a half ago while I was teaching summer camp for HIM and making money for HIM, I knew he was concealing his involvement with someone from me. A few weeks earlier we had talked about getting back together. I told him it was all or nothing...meaning I did not want to help him run the farm if we weren't going to try and fix our relationship. He lied....to get me to run camp for him. The very next day after he said, yea, let's work on it, camp began. He had a tone with me, he embarrassed me in front of a parent...he apologized to a dad at the end of the day for some "lulls" in the activity. (I had just agreed the day before to lead camp for him/for us...so he thinks I didn't have a plan.) Fortunately, the dad said he didn't know what he was talking about, his daughter just told him she had a wonderful time. Later in the week, when I was explaining that the campers were getting tired and yanking on the horses mouths, he yelled at me in front of a teenage volunteer, "are you teaching them how to ride correctly?" This from a man who doesn't know how to ride. So by the end of the first week I knew something was up...he was acting like he wanted me back. The next week of camp, his tone continued. So I finally asked him...do you really want to work this out between us? He said, no actually I don't think you should move back in but I would like you to keep working for the business. I know this is really bad....and believe me, totally not my character....but I went through his text messages. Turns out while I'm teaching camp for him and watching his dog, he is off having four hour lunches and walks with a new girl. I also learned then that they had plans to go camping in NH starting today. All lies....when we were trying to patch things up, he told me that he planned to go camping NEXT YEAR with a girl but that she had a boyfriend....would I be ok with that? The truth was he planned to go camping with her NEXT MONTH and she DOESN"T have a boyfriend.

I'm left wondering if he just lied to me at the end when he decided he didn't really want me anymore or if he has been lying throughout the relationship. It wasn't until three weeks after we started dating that he told me he was still married. I know, I know...what was I thinking. But she lived several states away (they never moved in together) and he insisted she had a new bf.

God...just telling this story makes me look pretty stupid.

Hey, when you know you're being lied to and he's already violated you in every which way, invading his privacy is the least you should feel bad about. It's assisted in helping you learn to trust your instincts, I bet!

He sounds like a sociopath or even a narcissist. Read up on those personality disorders if you haven't, I found it really helped me in healing. Also look into the book, "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry, controlling men"-Lundy Bancroft. I bought that book the day after I left and it was life-changing for me,

And you are NOT stupid, sweetie!!

You were conned by an abuser-we all were.

I agree with finally--
You are Not stupid. Abusers know how to con people. They do such a good job at first that sometimes no matter how horrible they become, their spouses do not want to leave them. They hold onto hopes that he will magically change back into the person he was at first.
Please do not waste your time beating yourself up. Go back and read all the responses again. Copy them for future references for if you ever doubt yourself again, then just relax and be grateful you are free of this monster!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Gem and Finally....I have actually already re-read several times. It is really, truly starting to sink in. Putting it into written words for others to see and react to has been incredibly helpful.

I am embarrassed to say this, but before this guy, I dated a psychopath for 6 months....he wasn't diagnosed, but he was textbook in my opinion. A similar forum helped me get over that mess.

Now I am going to use therapy to figure out why a woman my age is attracted these nut jobs. Lots of "me" work to be done. Hopefully, I won't have time to worry about the ex anymore.

Thank you again so much!

Hey, just wanted to add my support to you. (HUG)

I realised very late on that because my husband talked all the time about his exes, there was a long line of very unhappy girls BEHIND him, as I am sure there will be after me as well.

One poor girl used to try and catch him any time she could on internet chat. She once begged him to tell her he loved her right in front of me. It pissed me off at the time, but later I realised it was all his game and she was a victim too. I longed to go to her and say, "Sweetheart, don't cry over him. You don't know how lucky you are that you did not end up with him. Your life would have been hell."

What I am trying to say is... you won't be the first woman he has treated this way. The nightmare will soon start for this new woman too. My husband told the girl who chased him that he cared for me, and she thought I was lucky because of the pain he caused her by dropping her. But my hell had already actually begun at that point.

You are far too good for him. He is nothing but a hollow actor, to be pitied because he cannot feel genuine love and warmth. He knows only how to use.

Take care of you xx