What you described is, sadly, normal. I've never heard it called a mood anniversary before, but I know that this is common in many types of situations when we are grieving, recovering from addictions, recovering from abusive relationships, traumatic event and in ptsd.

The FB memories post is a definite trigger. Triggers can be anything that reminds us of the loss and not even have any sort of logical relationship to the emotional upheaval it causes. Depending on the circumstances, some triggers will diminish as we heal.

For example, birthdays, wedding anniversaries, anniversaries of when an addict stops using or anniversaries of the loss of a loved one are "anniversary" triggers. In addiction, anniversaries are at 30/60/90 day and 1 year internals. Anniversaries can trigger certain memories and send us reeling backwards.

Unfortunately a new environment, while many times necessary (especially when we need to be away from the toxic person/environment), doesn't rid us of the triggers. It has been my experience that it takes a concerted effort on our part to heal those triggers. IMHO, that takes help from a qualified trauma release therapist who understands the dynamics and effects of abuse, and who has been trained in various modalities other than regular talk therapy and CBT.

These triggers are in our subconscious where our memories & emotions are stored. And if all we're doing is talk therapy and/or CBT, then we're only getting to the conscious part. And most of the time neither offer any sort of deep healing. IMHO, that's why many of us experience leaving a therapy session feeling raw and worse than when we walked in. Woulds are opened but not tended to. It is rare that we can heal the deep emotional scars cause by the trauma of abuse with determination, will and 'mind over matter.'


As for FB, you can lessen the triggers by doing the following.

1. Short of deleting everything that has to do w/the ex so that nothing comes up in the memories again, you can use a free add-on called FBpurity which allows you to filter out all kinds of stuff, including "Your Memories" and "Shared Memories" from the newsfeed. http://www.fbpurity.com/faq.htm (I have no connection to FBpurity other than I am a very satisfied user.)

2. make sure your profile is private. Don't have any identifying info (like location) on your profile. Or create a new profile using an alias.

3.. set your friends list to private so your friends cannot see who your other friends are unless you are mutual friends.
Delete anyone you don't trust implicitly or who has any connection w/the ex. One way to do that is to check your friends' friends list to see if anyone on their list has any connection to your ex. That's so you don't see anything in your timeline that might bring up a post or comment or someone liking something to do with the ex. (BTW, FBpurity has filters for that too.)

4. I think there's even an option to only allow messages from people you know.


As for coping, that's where a qualified trauma release therapist can help. I did a multi-faceted approach. 6 years of intense weekly therapy that included hypnotherapy (which is nothing like we see on tv), guided imagery, meditation, journaling, daily gratitude, chanting and spending time in nature, self-nurturning/care are just some of the things I did. I have ptsd and some of the oddest things would trigger me.

Even tho I am out of regular therapy now, I still practice everything on my list daily. The triggers don't happen as often. And when they do, most of the time the tools I learned are pretty effective. But there are still times when it feels like I never went to therapy at all.

Healing from abuse is a process of one baby step at a time.

I highly recommend that you find a qualified trauma release therapist. I am not diagnosing, but I urge to to ask them about the connection between abuse and trauma bonding and/or ptsd.

As for self-nurturing/care, there are lots of free guided imagery stuff on youtube. You also might want to check out Belleruth Naparstek's www.healthjourneys.com. They offer a free 15 min. guided imagery for relaxation. (Again, I am only a satisfied customer. I love her stuff.)

I found that practicing daily gratitude is critical in the healing process. I was also surprised to find that chanting helps my anxiety more quickly than just about anything else.

As I said, this is a process. It includes trial and error. We each have to find what works best for us.

~healing hugs~

One piece of advice I can give you.....get off facebook for good. I did that. Best decision I have ever made.

Thank you MyTrueColors. I will look into all you suggested. I definitely have completed steps 2-4 regarding fb. In fact we did the same to my husband's profile and his parents too. I deleted everyone I felt had a connection to my ex and "blocked" the main culprits, although oddly they had already blocked my husband themselves(?) (obviously my ex has some game in mind). I plan to delete my fb as soon as I can save my pictures, albums and phone numbers.

I'm seeing my doctor today, he is very good, although I believe he can only do so much. He asked if I planned to find a therapist to pair with his treatment. I'll ask him about finding a good post traumatic therapist.

Thank you for the advice and thoughtful response!

Hi Settingboundaries, I left my husband 8 months ago and have been dealing with the raw grief. I am in therapy weekly and just wanted to share how I've coped with the overwhelming feelings of grief/sadness/tears/loneliness/loss.

A. There is no easy way
B. My therapist has helped me to accept the hard feelings and know that they will pass (I use several unhealthy methods of trying to cover up, stuff, deny or otherwise just reject bad feelings of any kind)
C. Give myself permission to cry, hole up in my house alone (but not for too long), and in moderation eat comfort foods and wear my pajamas during the day if I want to
D. Added an antidepressant (I have been on one for 8 years, the new one is for a boost of energy and "happy" feelings occasionally for some relief
E. As others have said, I seriously limit my FB time, not to avoid seeing my husband but I get irritated at the fake "perfect" lives people put on there

Hugs and I hope you feel better soon!

Thank you all for your support. A few months later we have adjusted to our new home and are quite settled. I also talked to my new doctor (since I moved away from my old one) and he prescribed me another drug to pair with my anti depressant which has been a real game changer. My moods are much more stable and I worry a lot less about things I can't control (including my ex), of course it helps to have my ex have no idea where I am. But hopefully time and healing will allow me to face him (not literally of course) if he should pop his way into my life.

Q: I'm wondering, if it happens a second time, like my ex randomly appears in my new neighborhood or job (I work retail) should I contact the police about a restraining order?

I would definitely contact
the police, maybe at first,
to get something into the
record. Documentation is
always a good place to start.