Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Over time we've heard all kinds of
RECAPTURE tactics,
including but not limitied to:
[] Admitting to being abusive
[] Apoligizing
[] Crying
[] Promising it'll never happen again
[] Writing letters of contrition
[] Getting sober
[] Going to church
[] Going to couple counceling
[] Going to their own counceling
[] Reading something the escaping victim gives them
[] Doing housework
[] Suddenly engaging in parenting
Here's a few mine did
[] Read a chapter or two of
Patricia Evans' book and
told me he saw himself
[] After having continually complained
that I didn't generate enough money
(even though he earned nearly six figures
and we never did ANYTHING beyond stay home),
he told me I didn't have to work for a summer
[] Took me on fancy vacations
after having never spent half
a penny on anything that I
needed or would have
enhanced my life
[] Told me he visited my father's grave, to "ask"
him how to be "a better man." When I ignored
his tactics, two weeks after the supposed
chat with my father, he was neck deep in
an extra-marital affair
What were the tactics they tried,
in an attempt to manipulate You?
RECAPTURE tactics,
including but not limitied to:
[] Admitting to being abusive
[] Apoligizing
[] Crying
[] Promising it'll never happen again
[] Writing letters of contrition
[] Getting sober
[] Going to church
[] Going to couple counceling
[] Going to their own counceling
[] Reading something the escaping victim gives them
[] Doing housework
[] Suddenly engaging in parenting
Here's a few mine did
[] Read a chapter or two of
Patricia Evans' book and
told me he saw himself
[] After having continually complained
that I didn't generate enough money
(even though he earned nearly six figures
and we never did ANYTHING beyond stay home),
he told me I didn't have to work for a summer
[] Took me on fancy vacations
after having never spent half
a penny on anything that I
needed or would have
enhanced my life
[] Told me he visited my father's grave, to "ask"
him how to be "a better man." When I ignored
his tactics, two weeks after the supposed
chat with my father, he was neck deep in
an extra-marital affair
What were the tactics they tried,
in an attempt to manipulate You?
heard more than once, and
even recently, here on the
board:
The. . . . oh my god. . . . I've
got cancer (or other major
illness) ploy.
Or the ever popular:
Your needs are likely
to kill me ---- complaint.
cry (bawl hysterically, actually)
become my servant (after years of being his slave, he suddenly was bringing me tea in bed-would have been nice all those times I was breastfeeding, or sick, or whatever, massaging me-again, would have been nice when I was actually hurt, or when I was pregnant, cleaning the house..
worse even, he wouldn't let me put on my own shoes or a jacket! he'd make me stand there, while he put them on, and of course, it took longer than if I had done it myself, and in those moments, I knew what it felt like to want to hurt someone, because as I was standing there and he was trying to get my arms into my sleeves (and failing miserably!) I just want to flap my arms all over the place, slapping him away from me...
then there:
you didn't tell me the right way-you should have sat me down to tell us our marriage was in trouble (sometimes we were sitting, standing, lying down, but no, I never sat him down to tell him???)
I'll go to counseling (I'd begged him over the years to go to counseling, but he never would)
I promise I'll never lose my temper ever again! (he would sometimes lose it seconds after saying this..and other times, he'd be LOSING his temper AS he was telling me he'd never lose his temper!!!!!)
and my favourite..
as he was saying he'd do this that and the other, as he was admitting that things were his fault..
he'd use the word 'but'.......
My ex threatened to kill himself and had himself committed to a psychiatric hospital for about 10 days. It was here that he apologized to me for the first time in an almost 12 year marriage.
My ex promised to move back to my hometown with me.
My ex promised to treat me with the love and respect I deserved.
My ex promised he would be a better husband and father.
My ex asked me if I would like him to be my "F Buddy". (What he really meant was, so, if you're gonna go can we still sleep together?) Ick.
A year after I left him, my ex had a horrible accident that almost killed him and to this day I am half convinced that the "accident" was a subconscious ploy to get me back. Even our mutual friends thought I would rush to his aid. Did I? I did not.
So....did my ex kill himself? Nope. Five+ years post divorce my ex husband is still alive, and, I might add, alone.
him how to be "a better man." When I ignored
his tactics, two weeks after the supposed
chat with my father, he was neck deep in
an extra-marital affair
Ilene,
When I read this, a chill went down my spine. My ex tells me repeatedly how often he visits my father's grave, and brings up his name often in conversation. It always gives me the creeps. He knows how close I was to my father, and what a great man he was (the complete OPPOSITE of my ex!!!). My mom says I need to tell him I don't ever want to talk about my father or his grave with him again, but so far, I haven't gotten up the courage. I just change the subject.
He has also been trying almost all of the other things you mentioned: going to intensive counseling for himself, trying to become dad of the year, offering me money over and above the child support he pays, because "he just cares so much", going to support group meetings, etc.
And something that REALLY creeped me out recently - he wanted to come over the other night after the kids were in bed, so he could share with me what he learned in counseling that day. I told him no, that made me feel uncomfortable, and couldn't he just tell me over the phone? He said no he would feel better if he said it face to face. I felt strongly not to let him come into my house late at night, and didn't. He was noticibly disappointed. Then he asked, "Are you afraid of me?" It took all my composure to say, "No, that's not it.". Since then, the "big revelation" hasn't been brought up at all. It really, really creeped me out.
told me he was going to kill himself
has so far managed to keep up the mr nice guy for 9 months straight wiv only few minor blips.
done everything for me
said hes changed
used money abuse to keep me
prob a lot more but these are just off top of my head
that mine used and that
I've heard is used a lot:
"Now that I know what I've
done, I NEED YOU to
help me learn how to change. "
That reminded me of one I forgot!
He would say he "needs help" and just isn't "strong enough" (and that I wanted a "stronger" man like all the American men).
I remember I read to him about gaslighting once, and he said, "well maybe the gaslighter just needs her help--because he's not strong enough so he needs her to act differently for him."
YEAH RIGHT. That goes along with how he likes to tell people he's a "sensitive guy" because he gets upset about so many things (angry).
* told me he would seek counseling to help control how he reacts and treats me
* have me go to his counselor with him tell my point of view on how he acts
* Told me he would " change" and after believing it went back to his same old ways
* Showed up at my house with roses even though he wasn't suppose to be at my house told me " that if he got arrested it would be all worth it just to see me and tell me how sorry he was and that he loved me more than he shows"
* Told me he would make things right
*Pretended to be a parent
*Made promises he thought I would believe ( but I knew better than to believe them) When I failed to believe them pretended like he was getting help for the drug and alcohol problem he has
* Told all his so called friends ( females that he wanted me and no one else) Took only a hr before they were talking dirty in texts again
*
- Promised it would never happen again.
- Said the only reason they got so angry was because they felt inadequate.
- Said they only lost there temper because I was upset and they were upset for upsetting me....WHAT?!?
- apologized
- Said they loved me.
- Said they would never say x,y, and z again.
- Called off work to take me to an appointment.
- Accused me of being selfish and giving up when things got difficult.
I am sure there are more...
done, I NEED YOU to
help me learn how to change""
Oh yeah, I forgot that one! Mine told me he needed me to let him know every time he said or did something inappropriate. I'm still telling him but he still doesn't fix it lol.
Mine tried the roses too. No flowers for 14 years then suddenly flowers. Then he had the nerve to get angry when I didn't want them and left them there.
The funny thing is, I'll bet they all think they are very clever and original in their tactics but they all do the same tired old things.