Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ok I have been getting scared lately when reading certain posts in this forum and would like to see other peoples input if you have any thoughts on this. It just occured to me while reading a post tonight.
I think it is not good to think too much at times because our thoughts can be easily carried away and our thoughts can get very caught up in the negative. Sometimes I listen to myself and think wow I have really become resentful towards abusers and I sort of realize they are the ones to pity because they are not happy at all inside.
I am working on finding my inner peace and happiness lately, I haven't really found it yet but I see we are all getting pretty good attitudes towards abusers. Not to offend anyone or defend abusers in any way but its kind of like an abuser could come on here and say the things they say to us and get our own pity. I think I have seen this happen.
NOw I am wanting to be more careful of who I give support to. I was reading posts and sort of ADHD'd while thinking and the thought just came into my head that we can't be sure sometimes if somone posts in here if they are an abuser playing the victim or if they really are a victim.
Then I thought of what my ex might say about me were he to come in here and play the victim and I saw a scary picture. Maybe that is sort of a PTSD thought I had but I got pretty scared to be myself all of a sudden.
How would anyone feel if they were all supportive of someone saying how they are such a victim (I say this because most of us victims question ourselves especially at first in here ya know?) but what if we were all supportive only to find out later that the so called victim was a perpetrator who was actually the abuser in their situation and used this as ammunition to fuel his/her abuse? We would feel absused by that i think. I know I would feel very betrayed.
So throw in your thoughts, I just got scared being in here tonight and had bad feelings about some things and decided to throw my soul out in the open and see what people say. This kind of thinking I have sometimes scares me and I think wow is that me being bi polar? paranoia? dilusional? I am questioning my panic and feelings in here tonight. I just really thought of the possiblity that someone may be fishing for sympathy when they may be a perpetrator and the thought that could happen scared me too! Ok i feel really dumb posting this and really paranoid too but its what I feel tonight so there ya go!
I think it is not good to think too much at times because our thoughts can be easily carried away and our thoughts can get very caught up in the negative. Sometimes I listen to myself and think wow I have really become resentful towards abusers and I sort of realize they are the ones to pity because they are not happy at all inside.
I am working on finding my inner peace and happiness lately, I haven't really found it yet but I see we are all getting pretty good attitudes towards abusers. Not to offend anyone or defend abusers in any way but its kind of like an abuser could come on here and say the things they say to us and get our own pity. I think I have seen this happen.
NOw I am wanting to be more careful of who I give support to. I was reading posts and sort of ADHD'd while thinking and the thought just came into my head that we can't be sure sometimes if somone posts in here if they are an abuser playing the victim or if they really are a victim.
Then I thought of what my ex might say about me were he to come in here and play the victim and I saw a scary picture. Maybe that is sort of a PTSD thought I had but I got pretty scared to be myself all of a sudden.
How would anyone feel if they were all supportive of someone saying how they are such a victim (I say this because most of us victims question ourselves especially at first in here ya know?) but what if we were all supportive only to find out later that the so called victim was a perpetrator who was actually the abuser in their situation and used this as ammunition to fuel his/her abuse? We would feel absused by that i think. I know I would feel very betrayed.
So throw in your thoughts, I just got scared being in here tonight and had bad feelings about some things and decided to throw my soul out in the open and see what people say. This kind of thinking I have sometimes scares me and I think wow is that me being bi polar? paranoia? dilusional? I am questioning my panic and feelings in here tonight. I just really thought of the possiblity that someone may be fishing for sympathy when they may be a perpetrator and the thought that could happen scared me too! Ok i feel really dumb posting this and really paranoid too but its what I feel tonight so there ya go!
If you think someone is an abuser, you can just not respond & even put them on ignore. You can also check out their profile & other posts. Right now the one problem w/that is that DS's search feature doesn't seem to be working well right now & even when it does, it doesn't go back very far, so looking at other posts might be hard.
Another thing you can do is check w/your friends & people who post a lot & see what their take on the person is.
Above all, trust your gut.
I hear what you are saying and understand it. Your theory could absolutely happened. Some of the things I have read in the past have been so extreme that I thought twice about responding to as in, "could that/did that really happen?" Who knows...
But ya know what Rad? I think there is a lot of abuse in our world that is still a secret. I would bet that this board has a lot of lurkers who are too scared, embarrassed, ashamed to post. I know this because I was one of them. And what if there was a false post and you replied with support, encouragement or with sound advice and a lurker in need read your response and got something from it...it would have been worth it, right?
One of the rules for codependence = you are only in control of yourself.
I have worries about this forum as well. One is that advice or tips I give a poster may be picked up on by an abuser...that's twisted if they are on here reading...blech
As a rule I don't respond to things that I don't have any experience with or if one of my voices say to leave it alone....don't worry, I never talk back to my voices...LOL
BTW. I always appreciate reading all your posts.
Oh and one more thing:I was told by husband's psychiatrist that I am hyper-vigilant. It means I am always on guard, watching for signs of danger -paranoid but not in the crazy way. Happens to people who have been abused. I looked it up and found it is very common among combat vets and those suffering with PTSD. Do you ever feel that describes you?
Seawee
I also wanted to kind of repeat something that seawee said which is the way I look at it. The support we give here is open to all, not just to the original poster, so even if that original poster is found to be undeserving of our support, someone else may still gain just the gem they need to take the next step in their own healing, whether they be a lurker or not.
So for me, I tend to take posters on here at face value to start with. If there is stuff that really doesn't add up or I think they may be an abuser, I take the sorts of steps MTC suggested. It is, of course, unfortunate if there are abusers learning how better to abuse - and putting that learning into practice. But I'm not sure there's any way around that, without losing the ability to support those who come here genuinely in need. I know this board does a great deal of good, has helped a great many people find their way out of abusive relationships and/or ways to heal from abuse. And that's what we need to focus on - the positives that come from this board.
I believe most of us are here seeking help and ways to heal. I don't think you were dumb to post this! I am just glad you are here and I hope you keep posting! :)
can be simple and they
can be complex.
In many cases, abusers become
abusive because they were targets
of or witnessed abuse, early in their
lives. (This is NOT an "excuse!")
Because of this, though, they
perceive themselves as having
been victimized and they operate
in the world, from this position.
Ironically. . . . they may well have
been victimized. But. . . again. . .
this does NOT excuse their
having become abusive themself!
So, now they come onto D.S.
I've been participating actively
here on the board for around
six years, and have seen around
one actual hoax, every year or so.
I think that it's probably not
the worst thing in the world if,
even by "accident," we extend
our support to someone who
may have been abused early
in their life and who subsequently
became abusive. It's so sad that
they were abused early in their life.
They were innocent, just as we are.
If they hadn't been abused, it would
be less likely, that they'd have become
abusive, now. Being abused damages
each individually differently. But it's
always a tragedy.
First and foremost on our
path to becoming well ourself
is that every day, in every possible
way, we practice SELF-CARE and
healthy boundaries.
If you don't feel good about
responding to a particular
thread, then DON'T.. If you've
responded to someone's post
and later find out that they were
on here to perpetrate a hoax,
then view them for what they
are, damaged and living a
pathetic existence.
I have a prayer I learned a
bunch of years ago, and
find that it gives me comfort
in almost any circumstance:
Bless the being
and the path
that they're on.
Let us hope for
the best for
everyone. If every
individual experiences
some kind of healing,
that ends up helping
us all. . . . even if (and
maybe especially). . .
if the healing is
experienced by
emotionally damaged
abusers. If an abuser
somehow experiences
healing. . . it ends up
being good for all of us.
(Granted. . . . it's genuinely
SELDOM that an abuser
experiences healing. Still. . . .
it's always something that
would be a good thing to
happen.) And so. . . . .
Bless the being
and the path
they're on.
I too think about the things my ex would say to describe me and how he would go about putting on a very believable sob story. I am after all a psychotic nut job who destroyed his life. Oh yes, there's definitely something wrong with me :-)
At the end of the day, I figure that I just wont associate with people who believe him. I prefer not to associate with people who he speaks to period. And if I ever doubt who the real nut job is, I go back and read things he has written in the past for a reality check.
For the record, before I ever found this site, my abuser came here to tell his sob story but the good people of this forum gave him a thorough telling off and sent him on his way. To this day it gives me great pleasure to go back and read those posts :-)
In the end so much came out that I was not aware. He was able to hide and manipulate in such a sneaky way; it really was like a double life! But now when I look back there were certainly some really scary things that I would be much more in tune with were this to happen today! I remember once when we were out at our country house and we were arguing. He went outside immediately afterwards and starting shooting his gun. I remember being really scared at the time as we had just been arguing without any resolution and the scent of anger was still in the air. I remember feeling that I was "just being dramatic" or "overly sensitive." But of course, this IS very scary and I had every right to feel intimidated by him shooting his gun at that moment! We were all alone on our two acres of land...
Well this is just one example. But for all intensive purposes, throughout my marriage my ex husband played the victim with me. And I believed him! In the end, however, it was obvious to EVERYONE that he was really messed up. He made someone else pregnant while we were still married, was living with her, had rented an apartment for them but was not paying the mortgage on our house, and yet STILL staying at our house whenever he felt like it and tormenting me nonstop. He cleared out all of our possessions from the country house without telling me, stole my dog, did all kinds of crazy stuff. Well, let's just say...his true colours came out in the end! And as everyone else is saying, it doesn't take long for this to happen! Especially when we are all increasing our awareness in regards to these individuals in this forum!
Sending you my best wishes! xox
My ex-husband and abuser...I know he has told everyone is his life that I was the abuser. All so he can avoid taking responsibility and suck up more sympathy.
Actions speak louder than words and sometimes, you have to listen between the lines and actions.
Great post and a great question, one that we have to weigh and measure every single day.