Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My sisters husband who has verbally abused her went for anger management and is doing a little better at home (the frequency and intensity of the outbursts are less)...but my sister feels that ANY outburst, big or small is unacceptable. She feels she's lived with it for so many years that now she doesn't want to deal with even one more nasty comment. Her husband keeps telling her to "give him a break. he can't be perfect" How should she handle this?
I also understand that SHE has had it as well and is finally standing her ground. She is exhibiting some control right now, and it is not pretty. The reality is that each and every one of us exhibit abusive or controling behaviors from time to time. It is the abuser, however, who utilizes them constantly and from a position of having to be the one on "top."
For aikijedi: While I have to applaud your husband for turning his behaviors around, the fact remains that he is one of the very few - less than 5%. I know that you mean well, but I don't think that it realistic to think that just because yours did it, everyone else's can too. The fact is that they can, they just won't. Most will push their loved one to the point that this lady's sister and I reached, where no matter what they do, we can't bring ourselves to trust or be "in love" with them any more. It sounds like this lady's husband is like mine - he wanted the "list" of things to change so that he could check it off and prove that he was now no longer abusive. This guy went to anger management and things are better so he thinks that he's cured. It doesn't work that way and the "list" doesn't exist.
I totally appreciate your last response directed toward me. I have never meant to imply that because of my experience, every man should be considered a candidate for rehabilitation. I have tried (perhaps failed) to express that I don't have any ground to advise whether one should or should not stay or go, or whether a particular man is or is not in the class with my husband. I simply stand to be the voice of the other side. I think many times, because the percentage is so low for rehabilitation, some are quick to advise... "leave, get out now!" ... based on a one-sided portrayal of the situation, and possibly projecting ones own experience. I would rarely make such a decided claim to know what someone else should do. If a woman has decided to leave, I would not challenge that decision, and if she has decided to stay, I would encourage her to understand the possibilities of how it could work out. I don't see any reason to stay if there is no desire to understand the options for 'working it out'.
If I recall, this same 'sister' story was on another thread where the sister had claimed she stays because of the childs medical need (??) I apologize if I have confused two stories. In that other thread, I remember discussion of the wife doing things which only perpetuate the negativity. And I think if she is going to stay for whatever reason, she needs to diffuse that.
I don't think a woman should stay for any reason other than "I see hope"... and if a woman is staying, she isn't at her END. Until that point, if there is hope to be had, and love to be rebuilt, I want to encourage her to understand her role. If they are going to stay together...any two... both need to make changes. Not just the obvious abuser.
Maybe this particular guy is not going to get to the heart of his control issues. Maybe this particular wife is not going to consider her own. I try not to assume that anyone is definatively one way or another. I only want to shed light on lesser considered possibilities. I would hate for a family who may have had a chance to miss that chance because no one said 'its possible'.
The plain fact remains. If this woman doesn't love her husband and desire to move toward healing their family together, each taking responsibility for his/her part.... IF she stays (long term) for some other reason... financial, as was indicated of this case... then I dare to suggest that she is participating in her own form of controlling him (taking advantage of him for his financial provision, keeping him bound to a relationship with someone who has no emotional commitment to the healing of the family unit). If she doesn't love him and want to work together, she needs to get out, even if he is in the rare few who will change. Staying for any other reason is wrong, imho.
If he is going to change, he will do it even without her. And if he's not, he's not. Regardless, her decision needs to be based on whether SHE has hope or not, not whether I do.
It occurred to me while showering (i guess thats irrelevant...) that there is great truth in the fact that the "give me a break" part of the comment is indeed still evidence of the man in this case unconciously putting the responsibility on the woman. The truth remains: He CANT be perfect.
Is there a solution? Can this man become aware of the implications in this statement, and just how its all wrapped up his pattern of abuse?
Well... for this couple, as has been suggested, it may just be too much, too far gone... lost cause. BUT IF it weren't, this would be my suggestion:
H says: "Gimme a break, I can't be perfect"
W could say (NON accusatory tone keeping emphasis off of pointing fingers, which is a counter attack): "You are right, you can't be perfect. I'd like to give you a break, but its not my responsibility to give you a break. Its your responsibility to say, 'I'm sorry, I'm really working on it, please forgive me... I can't be perfect'"
If he resists the notion that he should be SINCERELY apologizing and taking accountability rather than placing it on her, then it would be telling that he still needs alot of work on the accountability realization. If he takes heed of this, it will be evident the next time he does something out of line, he may say he's sorry rather than shift it onto her shoulders.
I think its really important though, in this hypothetical conversation I just sited, that the womans tone is one of supportive help, that she wants to work WITH him in helping him to put what he is learning into action... wanting to reinforce his desire to improve, and is not in any way delivered with a proverbial finger of judgement waggling in his face. Even if he doesn't know how to respond at the moment, the evidence of whether he got it will be in if he does a better job of accepting responsibility the next time.
And abuse is not just behavior; it is mainly attitude and mindset.
If he can't be non abusive, she should kick him out. It's just as one would treat an addict. No tolerance. Be clean and sober or you're gone. Anything else is rubbing out the lines/ boundaries. Before you know it, the demon will be back and bringing her down (that's an abuser's goal, you know).
Anyway, anger managment rarely works on abusers. Read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft for the truth.
All respect to her for trying to work things out, it just sounds as though she needs some breathing space by way of a temporary ceasefire, which is perfectly reasonable - and in all honesty, I don't think it would kill her husband to bite his tongue for a few months while they work things out in counselling.
In my own experience of being married to a man with "anger issues"; as things turned out he could actually control his temper perfectly well once he realised his outbursts were no longer having the desired effect on me. I just started to get angry for my own part and scared the living sh*t out of him one day with a good old-fashioned display of primal rage on my own part (not saying that's something to be proud of, but there's only so far you can push someone.)
Instead, he just started to change tactics and adopted more sneaky, underhanded ways of making my life a misery, but that's a subject for another day.
And that was just a long-winded way of saying that abusive partners *can* control their temper perfectly well if they really want to - so much for 'uncontrollable temper', it's really all about having power over someone else.
But if they're trying to get past that in therapy, then he really should be making the effort now.