Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was married to an emotionally abusive man and he was abusive to our one son starting when he was maybe 8. My ex and his mom were abused by his alcoholic dad (no one really ever admitted it) and my ex was also severely bullied in HS. He learned this is why he became abusive and he is now done being this way, he says, since he got help. But...our 18 yr old son is emotionally abusive to both of us and has punched holes in our walls. (my ex broke printer, spindles, chair, holes in a couple walls also over the years) My son lives with me (its been since sept when i got my own house) since he can not get along with his dad. Last nite, my son and his dad got in another arguement (on phone) and my son came to me very sad and crying. Although his dad wasnt abusive in conversation, my son feels he can't do right by his dad and feels he is hated . He says he hates his life because his dad has always treated him badly. My ex says he will not go back and discuss the past as he has to move on in his life. He says our son will have to realize his problems with his behavior now before they can have any kind of relationship. He has told me not to rescue him right now by bringing up the past with him because... i affirmed to my son that yes, hedid have a dad who crossed the line with him. my ex also says that it was a matter of HIM not being aloud to have authority over the years with my son. He did call my son names, blamed him for our bad marriage and wanted him out of our house when he was little because my son was not an easygoing kid and ex used physical aggression at times to manipulate him. He was always mad at me though because i would jump into it and tell him to stop it! I couldnt stand to watch him do that to our son. So how do i help my son as he is so depressed over not having a relationship with his dad? My ex says this issue is in my sons hands now as HE is not being nice to him. Thanks!
My situation with my daughter is similar, yet different.
I really don't know what to do myself.
I would say lots of talking, but my own daughter will not listen when I try to have a discussion with her.
It is terrible that these parents don't care or take responsiblity for the negative affect they have had on their children.
You need to tell your son about the past. He needs to know right from wrong and the only way that kids can learn that is by being taught (not lectured). It sounds to me as though your ex is still abusing your son. Emotional abuse in the form of a detached parent is a horrible thing for a child or even an adult.
Give your son love, understanding and be a good role model for him. My five year old still spends a lot of time with his father who is an emotional abuser. To try to negate the effect, I spend a lot of time talking to my son about positivity (I explained the difference between viewing the glass as half empty vs half full), I play games with him where we take turns thinking up examples of selfish behaviour vs compassionate behaviour.
Love your children when they are angry. It will calm them down faster than anything else.
And I do say "is" because anyone who refuses to take responsibility for what they have done, has not stopped being abusive. A father who can say it's his son's fault they don't get on because he's "stopped" being abusive is still abusing his son. A father who had stopped being abusive would do whatever he could to explain and apologise and make up for his past behaviour, rather than the appalling "just get over it" attitude. For me, I found the "just get over it" and "stop dragging up the past" to be some of the worst stuff my abuser ever did to me.
Allow your son to have his feelings and his anger. Acknowledge them and his right to them, while at the same time working on channelling how he expresses them (not too sure HOW to do that myself, but maybe others will have a better idea, sorry).