Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I see all of your success stories from having left your abusers and gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling that you all were able to escape. I'm so happy for all of you for being able to get out and live through this.
I of course am still stuck with him and just feel frozen, just going through the motions of every day life, hoping that one day i will get the courage to just walk out that door. And I can think about it logically, that i can't go through life just pleasing him to make him happy and be miserable for the rest of my life but yet I can't bring myself to just do it, rip the bandaid off and walk out that door. I also can't live my life on the guilt of letting him down, since he has let me down countless times. And I can't let my son see this as a normal every day life when there is so much better out there. I know it's not easy and it's going to be the hardest thing i will ever do but i need to get there and soon, my life is just dwindling away day after day and i sit here and do nothing about it.
I am still going to the trauma advocate at our local womens shelter, in fact have an appointment this afternoon but it just doesn't seem to stick, it doesn't seem as though anything she says to me is going to give me that kick in the ass that i need. I feel so hopeless and feel so desperate for the need to escape but why can i not just do it, I hate that he has made me feel this way! I hate that i can't make a decision on my own to just up and leave without considering him at all, when i know thats what i need to do.
I of course am still stuck with him and just feel frozen, just going through the motions of every day life, hoping that one day i will get the courage to just walk out that door. And I can think about it logically, that i can't go through life just pleasing him to make him happy and be miserable for the rest of my life but yet I can't bring myself to just do it, rip the bandaid off and walk out that door. I also can't live my life on the guilt of letting him down, since he has let me down countless times. And I can't let my son see this as a normal every day life when there is so much better out there. I know it's not easy and it's going to be the hardest thing i will ever do but i need to get there and soon, my life is just dwindling away day after day and i sit here and do nothing about it.
I am still going to the trauma advocate at our local womens shelter, in fact have an appointment this afternoon but it just doesn't seem to stick, it doesn't seem as though anything she says to me is going to give me that kick in the ass that i need. I feel so hopeless and feel so desperate for the need to escape but why can i not just do it, I hate that he has made me feel this way! I hate that i can't make a decision on my own to just up and leave without considering him at all, when i know thats what i need to do.
With that said, I have to share that leaving is the best experience ever... even in light of having nothing, healing from the physical stuff and starting over! I saw my girls smiling and laughing without care or trepidation and I knew it was worth every bit of trouble. :)
I felt guilty for recently leaving my BF. He had just bought us a house and bought him a new truck (even though my truck barely runs). I knew leaving him would put him in a bad financial situation and I honeslty felt GUILTY for leaving....and still do. Especially when he sends me texts that say things like, "I don't know how I am going to pay for this new house without you...but I will find a way, don't worry about it." I truly feel bad for leaving him in this position, but I had to do it for my daughters' sake.
I know you don't want to disappoint him, I feel/felt the same way. I feel like I have let him down, so I probably deserve any abuse I get from him now (thru texts since I am not living with him anymore). But it can be done. I just have to bring myself to understand that this is NOT my fault...and it isn't YOUR fault either.
He wants you to feel guilty about taking care of yourself - but that's his problem. Most abusers don't change and they just continue to abuse. There really is no good time to leave them - well actually any time is a good time to leave them - but they will always try to make you pay a price for it.
No one makes an abusive person, abusive - and therefore you are absolutely right - you did not cause the problem. One never knows what the motives are in an abuser's mind. Did he not notice that something was wrong with your relationship when he was buying the house? Maybe it was a way to keep you with him.
racenrange - it is never wrong to take care of yourself. Once you know that you want out - you just need to take the steps to do that. Abusers are great at making us feel guilty - that's part of their game. Please don't buy into that - you have the right to leave.
Good luck.
Let me ask you..has he considered you? When he abused you who was he considering? Not you or your feelings. He was considering his wants and needs to feel superior to you.
as far as a kick in the arse, try this........try very very hard to imagine the kind of person your son will grow up to be if you continue to stay...picture it in your mind...he's dating ...how does he treat the women he dates? Is is aggressive, or insistent or demanding?
Does he respect women in general? Does he expect to be catered to? How about after he's married, how do you see his relationship? Is his wife happy? How does he treat her? The pressure is mounting because now he has a child of his own...how does he respond to that child? Is he patient, does he demonstrate a good example? What kind of people do your grandchildren grow up to be?
Staying with an abuser has long term affects on the whole family , effects that span many generations.
Think about that when you begin to doubt your need to leave him.
Fear, is a horrible thing, and the unknown. I know it all too well.
For me it is worth going through the fear for the promised land. We all deserve to have that in our lives.
Don't beat yourself up for not leaving, nurture and love yourself so that you have the strength to leave.
This is your life, you get to do it your way.
Just know you are not alone, hon. Leaving an abuser is the hardest (& best) thing you will ever do.
Love and hugs to you...
If you want to. . . .
you WILL.
By all means consider him in your decision making (sometimes it's just too hard not to). But consider who deserves you more - him or your son.