Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have been thinking about how I got here. How did I end up being in abusive situations over and over again throughout my life and I realized that I think its all because of me being abandoned when I was a child. By my Mother.
I have always felt unlovable. I think I just wanted to be loved so bad that I let people abuse me because I didn't deserve better than that. I read a book about abandonment and healing but I didn't get better from reading it. I think of how I felt as a child, so miserable, and worthless. My own parents didn't care about me. I wrote part of it down. I'm going to share it on my journal. I cried the whole time writing it. I wrote it down hoping it helped me deal with it and maybe to help myself.
Today because I know I'm done with my abuser I feel the abandonment all over again. My son told me yesterday that maybe if I cant get through this next year without being abused that I may be able to live and be happy. He was/is so afraid I will cave and go back to my ex. He is so scared I'll do it again. He is really helping me and he is so supportive which is something I have never had before. My son is grown now and I sort of realize that he is so mature, independent, caring, empathetic, and he is actually everything no one else has ever been in my life. I know I did something right raising this young man. Now he is the only one who I feel really does love and care about me. Except for all the people in here who support me of course. I am trying to realize what I do have instead of what I lost. But its not going to feel better right now.
I wonder if my ex will leave me alone this time. Probably not. He really can't stand losing me but when he had me he really didn't care about me at all. I feel so used (sex) like I was just someone he wanted for that. He always said how much he loved me but his actions said he didn't. It was only for a week or two when he wanted and got me back that he acted like someone who loved me. Other than that he didn't consider my feelings. Its like because he got what he wanted and he felt satisfied and comfortable he would start doing the things that resulted in my feeling unloved.
I have always felt unlovable. I think I just wanted to be loved so bad that I let people abuse me because I didn't deserve better than that. I read a book about abandonment and healing but I didn't get better from reading it. I think of how I felt as a child, so miserable, and worthless. My own parents didn't care about me. I wrote part of it down. I'm going to share it on my journal. I cried the whole time writing it. I wrote it down hoping it helped me deal with it and maybe to help myself.
Today because I know I'm done with my abuser I feel the abandonment all over again. My son told me yesterday that maybe if I cant get through this next year without being abused that I may be able to live and be happy. He was/is so afraid I will cave and go back to my ex. He is so scared I'll do it again. He is really helping me and he is so supportive which is something I have never had before. My son is grown now and I sort of realize that he is so mature, independent, caring, empathetic, and he is actually everything no one else has ever been in my life. I know I did something right raising this young man. Now he is the only one who I feel really does love and care about me. Except for all the people in here who support me of course. I am trying to realize what I do have instead of what I lost. But its not going to feel better right now.
I wonder if my ex will leave me alone this time. Probably not. He really can't stand losing me but when he had me he really didn't care about me at all. I feel so used (sex) like I was just someone he wanted for that. He always said how much he loved me but his actions said he didn't. It was only for a week or two when he wanted and got me back that he acted like someone who loved me. Other than that he didn't consider my feelings. Its like because he got what he wanted and he felt satisfied and comfortable he would start doing the things that resulted in my feeling unloved.
Thank you!
I feel a little better this morning not as emotional yet. I hope it lasts the whole day. If not I will deal with it thought. I am so thankful I have my counseling appointment Monday. I needed it so many times already and finally its here. I am going to request sooner appointments he had me wait a month and I'm going through too much to have that so spread out.
You sound like an AMAZING mother and person, and I know you did not just something right in raising your son too, but a lot of things! It is all the more special, because you found the strength to give to your own child what you were never given as a child. That shows enormous strength and accomplishment.
I'm proud of you, please be proud of yourself too, and treat yourself to some really nice things you enjoy having/doing! :) Hugs xxx
See if you can read it. Some of the excerpts from his series that was on PBS in the 1990's is on youtube. Just type in John Bradshaw and the excerpts should come up. But first, please do something that relaxes, invigorates and pleases you.
Stuck
Thanks
Don't worry, I didn't know at first either, and still forget or have to ask occasionally what some of them mean! :)
The fact you've noticed these connections, and the patterns in your life between your childhood and your current situation, and you are processing them and working through them, is part of what lets me know you are going to be okay. Doing what you're doing is no small part of healing, and becoming whole. Some people never, ever get to that part of the process, do you realize how amazing that is? Also, not only did you raise an amazing kid, you broke a generational pattern of dysfunction. Generations down the line will benefit from this, that is quite a legacy, and accomplished in part by knowing what kind of mother you DIDN'T want to be and having the strength to do better! Your pain was not suffered for nothing, your life has tremendous meaning. You are an amazing woman! Believe it! Sometimes, when we deal with the accumulation of past trauma, things get worse before they get better. This may be where you are at right now. Stay strong, and believe in yourself.
Your ex had to make you feel unloved so that he could use you (with his fake love) again. Thats the power he had over you. If he gave you unconditional love all the time, what on Earth would he have to manipulate you with?
There are times in my life that I wanted to be loved so bad that I took anything anyone handed out.
I am adopting a dog from the rescue shelter and was talking to someone there who really loves his work. He talked about how this dog was abused, and came in skittish and anti-social and he worked with it and once the dog realized it was safe it just blossomed into this great dog and I remember thinking, why cant we do this for humans? I feel like a rescue pet right now! Am I not as good as a dog?
Of course users can smell it miles away and I need to be my own rescuer, no one is going to do that for me.
It will get better! As you start treating yourself better other people will too.
I wonder if the Sedona Method would help you. I haven't tried it yet but it looked good. I have a link if you'd like its free.
*I am not a counselor, its just something I saw and it looked good.