Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been with my husband for 5 years now... I have posted here before, about how I can be violent with him and/or just insulting. Someone told me there was a difference between being abusive and being PUSHED to basically defend yourself?
I constantly felt guilty for lashing out at him for all the things he says. He is very demeaning, the type of person who won't leave you alone if you walked out of the room to get away from the argument. And I can't deal with that at all. Things are just getting more and more complicated.
I have pleaded with him to go back to marriage counseling. He says, "Well, what for? What's wrong now?" All I could do was cry. Does he not understand what he's doing to all of us? Constantly walking on eggshells. Working on making the perfect image so no one will suspect we are so dysfunctional? It's disgusting and I've wanted out for so long.
Recently, I met a guy who is more than amazing. After much consideration, I think the best move would be to move on from this to a new start. It worries me in a way because I don't exactly want to leave a man for another man. You know? To me, IMHO, sounds way dependent. Which is not me. But I can see a fresh start and a future with him, whereas I never really saw my husband and I going far.
The thing is I'm scared. I need to go to the court and take it from there, but, what's stopping me is fear. He's never hit me, but he does not have a good history concerning domestic violence. I don't know what will happen when I do leave. We have 2 kids, and while I don't want to take his own children away, sadly, I need to see what will happen or not happen when I file. Another thing, I don't have a place to go...I have the option of moving in with this great guy, but I'm refusing at the moment because I feel I need some time to do things on my own, I'm just not ready. I know there is Interval housing, not sure if I need it though/ Any suggestions of what I should do here?? Thank you :)
I constantly felt guilty for lashing out at him for all the things he says. He is very demeaning, the type of person who won't leave you alone if you walked out of the room to get away from the argument. And I can't deal with that at all. Things are just getting more and more complicated.
I have pleaded with him to go back to marriage counseling. He says, "Well, what for? What's wrong now?" All I could do was cry. Does he not understand what he's doing to all of us? Constantly walking on eggshells. Working on making the perfect image so no one will suspect we are so dysfunctional? It's disgusting and I've wanted out for so long.
Recently, I met a guy who is more than amazing. After much consideration, I think the best move would be to move on from this to a new start. It worries me in a way because I don't exactly want to leave a man for another man. You know? To me, IMHO, sounds way dependent. Which is not me. But I can see a fresh start and a future with him, whereas I never really saw my husband and I going far.
The thing is I'm scared. I need to go to the court and take it from there, but, what's stopping me is fear. He's never hit me, but he does not have a good history concerning domestic violence. I don't know what will happen when I do leave. We have 2 kids, and while I don't want to take his own children away, sadly, I need to see what will happen or not happen when I file. Another thing, I don't have a place to go...I have the option of moving in with this great guy, but I'm refusing at the moment because I feel I need some time to do things on my own, I'm just not ready. I know there is Interval housing, not sure if I need it though/ Any suggestions of what I should do here?? Thank you :)
IMO, you should leave. But I wouldn't suggest jumping into another relationship.
Usually people have a lot of stuff to process and heal from after any breakup, let alone one from an abusive relationship.
Plus, leaving him for another man might make you feel guilty, deep inside, which isn't a good way to start a new relationship--with a diminished self-worth due to guilt.
I only waited about six months from one relationship to get into another, and it actually made it easier for me to be abused because I still felt guilty and like I needed to "prove" my loyalty to the new man. But this man ended up being abusive--and so some of my guilt kept me in the relationship during the beginning--because I felt like I made the choice to be with him, and I didn't want to admit I had made the wrong choice--because I still wasn't over the possibility that I made the wrong choice to leave the first relationship.
If you do start another relationship, remember to leave the kids out of it for at least a good six months--long enough to know for sure that it's going to last. Kids can handle divorce fine, but it will hurt them to get attached to the new guy if he doesn't end up working out.
Of course, many abusers seem like great guys in the beginning--but only time will tell the true colors of someone you meet.
IMO, your right. You do need time to do things on your own. Transitional housing is a great idea. You need to give yourself time to heal and process the last relationship.
If your husband has a history of DV, then you really need to play it safe leaving. It could be that your fear is telling you he could be very dangerous when you leave. Usually this is the most dangerous time for women--and with a DV record--I think that danger is very legitimate. Transitional housing is there to keep you and your children safe--and the courts are there to figure out healthy situations when partners can't negotiate on their own (like when one partner is an abuser).
I think you already have some pretty good ideas of what you need to do. You seem to have a wise perception of the situation, and the danger you and your children may be in. Remember that those resources are there to help you, and you and your children do deserve a better life!
The national domestic violence hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. They will be able to put you in contact with your local shelter, who will be able to provide resources throughout the entire process and provide shelter, if needed.
I think that you're headed in the right direction by getting out. Please practice good self-care!
Good luck & best wishes!
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