Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I had a conversation with my husband this morning as we are both trying to 'move on'. Briefly, the problem is, I withdraw and he feels lonely,he gets angry and says hurtful things, I withdraw more and around we go.
We both see that we are hurting each other and need to stop the cycle. He sees that I am the one with the power to change things because I can withdraw or choose to engage in the relationship. Fair enough, I see this. I tried to point out that it is very hard for me to get close to him when I am afraid the situation will degenerate and he will say hurtful things again. His answer was that loving him means drawing close regardless of his response, whether he hurts me or not. I am struggling with this. I know we will both fail sometimes and that things will be said but it doesn't sound loving to put myself in a situation where I could get devastated again without any guarantees that he will stop the hurtful comments. I think he pictures the ideal relationship as one in which I empathise with him and help him work through the hurts I have caused him. I feel that this is not something I can do as it means hearing over and over everything that I did and how it is all my fault. Whilst I see his point about me holding the power, I feel that his solution is unfair ie: I risk everything. I suppose he is risking that I might withdraw as well. How do you get off this cycle in a way that is fair to both parties?
(and others you have
written), would be totally
excellent and viable IF
you WEREN'T in an
ABUSIVE marriage.
Very sadly,
you ARE.
""""""""""""'''''His answer was that loving him means drawing close regardless of his response, whether he hurts me or not.""""""""""""""""""
This is a predatorial abuser
requiring his victim to
always remain vulnerable
to him so that he is never
denied the pleasure he
experiences when he
ABUSES YOU.
As long as you
continue to engage
in endless, circuitous
and ultimately FUTILE
"discussions" with your
abuser. . . . . as if he
were a rational, loving,
well-intentioned partner
whose goal was to get
to an end result of
ensuring the happiness
of BOTH partners
(which is diametrically
opposite of the goal
of a predatorial abuser),
you will continue to
live in an emotionally toxic
marriage with an abuser
intent on maintaining
his ability to manipulate,
control and (bottom-line),
HURT YOU.
He demands (and
uses guilt as a leverage),
that you be emotionally
"close," or accessible
to him so that he is
able to TORTURE you.
Guarantees that he
will stop the hurtful
comments? (By the
way, "comments" is
euphemistic. Substitute
"ATTACKS.")
I will guarantee you
(betting my entire
2017 salary) on the
end result being that
his attacks on you
will continue as long
as you engage in
these supposedly
rational "discussions"
with him.
You wanted a
definition of
verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse (one
of several different
modes of abuse),
is a consistent,
persistent and
discernible PATTERN
of psychological and
emotional ANNIHILATION
perpetrated for the goal
of maintain total control
over a victim. (Doing
this ensures the perpetrator
of being able to attain
the psychological and
emotional fulfillment
of exercising power
over someone or
something more
vulnerable than
himself [or herself].)
The fact that you're
posting here means
that you have an
inkling that you're
being abused.
You've been posting
here for 3/4's of a
year now. I hope
you have already
or will soon begin reading
some of the resources
mentioned on this board.
You are being abused.
You are NOT in a caring,
loving, honest, healthy,
functional marriage.
Only you can make
the mental shift it's
going to take to
begin to move
yourself to a
mental and emotional
position that
being abused by
an intimate partner
is UNACCEPTABLE.
I hope and pray
that that shift will
happen for you
sooner than later.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity, strength,
and freedom from
abuse.
Confusion is the
HALLMARK
of being abused
by an intimate partner.
You write that one of the things he lectures you on is how you washed your hair.
Your hair. Hair. Your Hair. Washed your hair.
(I stopped telling my KIDS how to wash their hair when they were about ...8? Maybe 10? Because respect for someone else isn't in words...it's in actions. And if they screwed up their hair...then they screwed up their hair. And ya know, this isn't something that flipping really matters. But THEM knowing that I believed that they could handle this simple self-care task...did matter.
Your husband isn't acting like your parent. Because a real parent wouldn't be controlling this in their child. Your husband is acting like an ABUSIVE parent.
He's probably got his reasons for doing so. And the reasons probably go back to his own childhood. And for SURE you can't "fix" him.)
So your....HAIR. Hmm, that's not him talking about how you've hurt him. That's a pathological need to control someone else's behavior.
the Dr. Phil episode where
the controlling husband
was complaining about
how his wife showered?
Please possumlady -----
take a step back and
look at how this man
has treated you over
the course of your
time together, instead
of engaging in his
victimized complaints
with him, about how
it's your fault because
you're not "close enough."
That's standard stuff
in abusive relationships. . . . .
trying to make you believe
that his abuse is
all your fault. And
when you participate in
these "discussions" with
him, you're validating
his "position," which in
reality, is just him
successfully
manipulating you.
When he was in the process of discarding me at the end of our relationship he told me that "the less I cared the more he would want me" (its also reverse psychology at its finest). The thing is, I didn't care less, how could I?, and if I had I can guarantee that he would have used my 'caring less' as a reason to start a new relationship (one that he had already started but denied).
Basically your husband is spinning it, he is manipulating you. He's making you feel like you are in control when reality is that he is controlling everything. He thinks that you should be there for him and put up with his behaviour as a "good wife" would which is guilting you into staying and you are feeling guilted and confused. The thing is that you don't have to and you shouldn't put up with his behaviour. A healthy relationship has limits and this has gone on for too long. You are not doing yourself any favours by staying.
Your relationship is NOT going to change because no matter how you behave he is going to abuse and manipulate you into feeling blamed and at fault so you feel hooked and obliged to fix the relationship. Its a lose, lose scenario.
You can not change him. Its not your job to either. The only way to break the cycle is to get out of the relationship for good.