Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was just talking with my father - he was upset with me, and triggered me, and I triggered him back - he's under a lot of stress right now. But he asked me (once we were calming down) "Can I not say anything to you? What's the line between 'Thanks for the opinion, dad, and Shut up, dad, I don't want to hear it.'
I had a thought, and took his hand. I asked him to make a fist. I took it in mine, and lightly rubbed the back of my knuckles against his. "Does this hurt?' I asked him. "No" he said. "Does it annoy you, or bother you?" "Not really."
"Ok. Now, you do it to me."
He looked down at my hand. Wednesday night, I went bareknuckle against my punching bag, and I've got patches the size of nickles where I rubbed the skin clean off. My hands are bruised and swollen, and really, really sensitive. He looked up at me and said "No!"
"Why not?"
"It would hurt you!"
"Am I less than you are, that I can't handle the same feeling that you just said was no problem? Am I too sensitive, flawed? Are you just stronger than me?"
"No" he replied "But you're in a different situation."
"Ok - so you can do it to me tomorrow. I'll have had time to heal by then."
"No, I'm not going to do it then - those are going to take 2 or 3 weeks to heal properly."
I said "That's exactly what it's like. You can have your opinions, and I want to hear them - but I'm very wounded, and very sensitive - and that's OK. That's where I am right now."
I said "Imagine a person with full-body third degree burns. They hurt constantly. The medication takes the edge off, but the pain is there. Even moving hurts. They can do a little bit - slowly, gingerly, carefully - and it hurts, but they can do it. If someone comes up and gives them a hearty slap on the back, they are allowed to scream in agony, to be angry, to cry. It hurts. If someone comes up and lays a gentle hand on their shoulder, it's ok for them to scream, to flinch, to cry. It hurts. And it does no good for the person who laid the hand on the shoulder to say 'what are you getting so upset about - I was only trying to help - don't get angry at me!' And it does no good for the burn victim to say I'm sorry - I'm just too sensitive. I shouldn't have gotten upset at you - that was wrong of me. I shouldn't hurt this badly.'
"Every day is like that to me. My internal picture of myself is of a full-body emotional burn victim. Left alone, I sit and try not to move too much, not to feel too much. But the pain is there. And when there's nothing to do, sometimes I can distract myself, sometimes it's the toothache in the night - the pain is worse. Sometimes, I can get distracted, get involved in stuff, and I forget the pain for a while. Visitors helps a lot. But I don't get to sit in a hospital. I have to get up, get dressed, go to work, raise my kids, and interact with people who have no idea I've been burned so horribly. I can put on the happy face and look just like a normal person. But it hurts. And then someone comes along and gives me a cruel slap across the face... It's ok for me to drop to my knees and scream. It hurts. And that's ok.'
'I am going through my life. I am enduring the pain. I deserve an Oscar AND an Emmy for he daily performance I put on. But emotionally - I'm a burn victim. Nerves are regrowing, skin is healing. It's going to take a LONG TIME for any of this to not hurt. This is going to affect me for the rest of my life. Some scars never go away. I know you're going through a lot, too - I'm figuring out that nearly every person I come accross is a burn victim, trying hard to hide that fact. I'm not angry at you for forgetting, or not understanding the fact that I look normal, but I am raw. But that's what it is. Sometimes, contact is important, and it's ok, even with the pain. But all I ask is - be as gentle as you possibly can, even knowing that the gentlest touch you have may not be able to fully prevent pain. But cause as little as possible. Please.'
And I also thought "and I need to remember this, as well. This is what it means to be gentle with ourselves. WE need to remember that we're burn victims. For not feeling guilty because we can't jump up and play tackle football right away. For hating the pain, and wanting to cry and wail. For the struggle of even just putting the shirt on, or digging in the pocket for change. For the big reactions, the wonder 'why the heck did I just do that?' It's OK. It's where you are right now. Healing will come, but slowly, and not easily. And that's ok, too.'
I had a thought, and took his hand. I asked him to make a fist. I took it in mine, and lightly rubbed the back of my knuckles against his. "Does this hurt?' I asked him. "No" he said. "Does it annoy you, or bother you?" "Not really."
"Ok. Now, you do it to me."
He looked down at my hand. Wednesday night, I went bareknuckle against my punching bag, and I've got patches the size of nickles where I rubbed the skin clean off. My hands are bruised and swollen, and really, really sensitive. He looked up at me and said "No!"
"Why not?"
"It would hurt you!"
"Am I less than you are, that I can't handle the same feeling that you just said was no problem? Am I too sensitive, flawed? Are you just stronger than me?"
"No" he replied "But you're in a different situation."
"Ok - so you can do it to me tomorrow. I'll have had time to heal by then."
"No, I'm not going to do it then - those are going to take 2 or 3 weeks to heal properly."
I said "That's exactly what it's like. You can have your opinions, and I want to hear them - but I'm very wounded, and very sensitive - and that's OK. That's where I am right now."
I said "Imagine a person with full-body third degree burns. They hurt constantly. The medication takes the edge off, but the pain is there. Even moving hurts. They can do a little bit - slowly, gingerly, carefully - and it hurts, but they can do it. If someone comes up and gives them a hearty slap on the back, they are allowed to scream in agony, to be angry, to cry. It hurts. If someone comes up and lays a gentle hand on their shoulder, it's ok for them to scream, to flinch, to cry. It hurts. And it does no good for the person who laid the hand on the shoulder to say 'what are you getting so upset about - I was only trying to help - don't get angry at me!' And it does no good for the burn victim to say I'm sorry - I'm just too sensitive. I shouldn't have gotten upset at you - that was wrong of me. I shouldn't hurt this badly.'
"Every day is like that to me. My internal picture of myself is of a full-body emotional burn victim. Left alone, I sit and try not to move too much, not to feel too much. But the pain is there. And when there's nothing to do, sometimes I can distract myself, sometimes it's the toothache in the night - the pain is worse. Sometimes, I can get distracted, get involved in stuff, and I forget the pain for a while. Visitors helps a lot. But I don't get to sit in a hospital. I have to get up, get dressed, go to work, raise my kids, and interact with people who have no idea I've been burned so horribly. I can put on the happy face and look just like a normal person. But it hurts. And then someone comes along and gives me a cruel slap across the face... It's ok for me to drop to my knees and scream. It hurts. And that's ok.'
'I am going through my life. I am enduring the pain. I deserve an Oscar AND an Emmy for he daily performance I put on. But emotionally - I'm a burn victim. Nerves are regrowing, skin is healing. It's going to take a LONG TIME for any of this to not hurt. This is going to affect me for the rest of my life. Some scars never go away. I know you're going through a lot, too - I'm figuring out that nearly every person I come accross is a burn victim, trying hard to hide that fact. I'm not angry at you for forgetting, or not understanding the fact that I look normal, but I am raw. But that's what it is. Sometimes, contact is important, and it's ok, even with the pain. But all I ask is - be as gentle as you possibly can, even knowing that the gentlest touch you have may not be able to fully prevent pain. But cause as little as possible. Please.'
And I also thought "and I need to remember this, as well. This is what it means to be gentle with ourselves. WE need to remember that we're burn victims. For not feeling guilty because we can't jump up and play tackle football right away. For hating the pain, and wanting to cry and wail. For the struggle of even just putting the shirt on, or digging in the pocket for change. For the big reactions, the wonder 'why the heck did I just do that?' It's OK. It's where you are right now. Healing will come, but slowly, and not easily. And that's ok, too.'
It's really bad for me, because I have 9 years training and 10 years experience as a director. So not only do I say "I can read subtle clues like inflection, body language, word choice, phrasing, as well as that indescribable... aura? Sixth sense of danger? Gut instinct? But I ALSO have stacks of textbooks describing some of the most subtle psychological manipulation techniques around, how to spot them, and how to counter them (most of which involve using visual cues to focus power and control in a scene.). I've been taught script analysis which is the creation of a character from whole cloth, using only their words and actions.
TLDR; Grab a book on Directing and read up on stage pictures, one on acting and read up on past/present life, and both of them on script analysis. A stage movement/combat book would not be a bad idea, either. :)
I'm so glad your dad came back with that apology. That must have felt so good.
Sending strength and peace,
Hugs,
Weirdly, I have often actually felt emotional pain physically. Like when I am upset I like to be hugged, but am very sensitive at such times to being held TOO hard because it hurts more due to my emotional state. Funny. Your analogy means even more to me due to that.
Good one :) xx