Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was just talking with my father - he was upset with me, and triggered me, and I triggered him back - he's under a lot of stress right now. But he asked me (once we were calming down) "Can I not say anything to you? What's the line between 'Thanks for the opinion, dad, and Shut up, dad, I don't want to hear it.'
I had a thought, and took his hand. I asked him to make a fist. I took it in mine, and lightly rubbed the back of my knuckles against his. "Does this hurt?' I asked him. "No" he said. "Does it annoy you, or bother you?" "Not really."
"Ok. Now, you do it to me."
He looked down at my hand. Wednesday night, I went bareknuckle against my punching bag, and I've got patches the size of nickles where I rubbed the skin clean off. My hands are bruised and swollen, and really, really sensitive. He looked up at me and said "No!"
"Why not?"
"It would hurt you!"
"Am I less than you are, that I can't handle the same feeling that you just said was no problem? Am I too sensitive, flawed? Are you just stronger than me?"
"No" he replied "But you're in a different situation."
"Ok - so you can do it to me tomorrow. I'll have had time to heal by then."
"No, I'm not going to do it then - those are going to take 2 or 3 weeks to heal properly."
I said "That's exactly what it's like. You can have your opinions, and I want to hear them - but I'm very wounded, and very sensitive - and that's OK. That's where I am right now."
I said "Imagine a person with full-body third degree burns. They hurt constantly. The medication takes the edge off, but the pain is there. Even moving hurts. They can do a little bit - slowly, gingerly, carefully - and it hurts, but they can do it. If someone comes up and gives them a hearty slap on the back, they are allowed to scream in agony, to be angry, to cry. It hurts. If someone comes up and lays a gentle hand on their shoulder, it's ok for them to scream, to flinch, to cry. It hurts. And it does no good for the person who laid the hand on the shoulder to say 'what are you getting so upset about - I was only trying to help - don't get angry at me!' And it does no good for the burn victim to say I'm sorry - I'm just too sensitive. I shouldn't have gotten upset at you - that was wrong of me. I shouldn't hurt this badly.'
"Every day is like that to me. My internal picture of myself is of a full-body emotional burn victim. Left alone, I sit and try not to move too much, not to feel too much. But the pain is there. And when there's nothing to do, sometimes I can distract myself, sometimes it's the toothache in the night - the pain is worse. Sometimes, I can get distracted, get involved in stuff, and I forget the pain for a while. Visitors helps a lot. But I don't get to sit in a hospital. I have to get up, get dressed, go to work, raise my kids, and interact with people who have no idea I've been burned so horribly. I can put on the happy face and look just like a normal person. But it hurts. And then someone comes along and gives me a cruel slap across the face... It's ok for me to drop to my knees and scream. It hurts. And that's ok.'
'I am going through my life. I am enduring the pain. I deserve an Oscar AND an Emmy for he daily performance I put on. But emotionally - I'm a burn victim. Nerves are regrowing, skin is healing. It's going to take a LONG TIME for any of this to not hurt. This is going to affect me for the rest of my life. Some scars never go away. I know you're going through a lot, too - I'm figuring out that nearly every person I come accross is a burn victim, trying hard to hide that fact. I'm not angry at you for forgetting, or not understanding the fact that I look normal, but I am raw. But that's what it is. Sometimes, contact is important, and it's ok, even with the pain. But all I ask is - be as gentle as you possibly can, even knowing that the gentlest touch you have may not be able to fully prevent pain. But cause as little as possible. Please.'
And I also thought "and I need to remember this, as well. This is what it means to be gentle with ourselves. WE need to remember that we're burn victims. For not feeling guilty because we can't jump up and play tackle football right away. For hating the pain, and wanting to cry and wail. For the struggle of even just putting the shirt on, or digging in the pocket for change. For the big reactions, the wonder 'why the heck did I just do that?' It's OK. It's where you are right now. Healing will come, but slowly, and not easily. And that's ok, too.'
I had a thought, and took his hand. I asked him to make a fist. I took it in mine, and lightly rubbed the back of my knuckles against his. "Does this hurt?' I asked him. "No" he said. "Does it annoy you, or bother you?" "Not really."
"Ok. Now, you do it to me."
He looked down at my hand. Wednesday night, I went bareknuckle against my punching bag, and I've got patches the size of nickles where I rubbed the skin clean off. My hands are bruised and swollen, and really, really sensitive. He looked up at me and said "No!"
"Why not?"
"It would hurt you!"
"Am I less than you are, that I can't handle the same feeling that you just said was no problem? Am I too sensitive, flawed? Are you just stronger than me?"
"No" he replied "But you're in a different situation."
"Ok - so you can do it to me tomorrow. I'll have had time to heal by then."
"No, I'm not going to do it then - those are going to take 2 or 3 weeks to heal properly."
I said "That's exactly what it's like. You can have your opinions, and I want to hear them - but I'm very wounded, and very sensitive - and that's OK. That's where I am right now."
I said "Imagine a person with full-body third degree burns. They hurt constantly. The medication takes the edge off, but the pain is there. Even moving hurts. They can do a little bit - slowly, gingerly, carefully - and it hurts, but they can do it. If someone comes up and gives them a hearty slap on the back, they are allowed to scream in agony, to be angry, to cry. It hurts. If someone comes up and lays a gentle hand on their shoulder, it's ok for them to scream, to flinch, to cry. It hurts. And it does no good for the person who laid the hand on the shoulder to say 'what are you getting so upset about - I was only trying to help - don't get angry at me!' And it does no good for the burn victim to say I'm sorry - I'm just too sensitive. I shouldn't have gotten upset at you - that was wrong of me. I shouldn't hurt this badly.'
"Every day is like that to me. My internal picture of myself is of a full-body emotional burn victim. Left alone, I sit and try not to move too much, not to feel too much. But the pain is there. And when there's nothing to do, sometimes I can distract myself, sometimes it's the toothache in the night - the pain is worse. Sometimes, I can get distracted, get involved in stuff, and I forget the pain for a while. Visitors helps a lot. But I don't get to sit in a hospital. I have to get up, get dressed, go to work, raise my kids, and interact with people who have no idea I've been burned so horribly. I can put on the happy face and look just like a normal person. But it hurts. And then someone comes along and gives me a cruel slap across the face... It's ok for me to drop to my knees and scream. It hurts. And that's ok.'
'I am going through my life. I am enduring the pain. I deserve an Oscar AND an Emmy for he daily performance I put on. But emotionally - I'm a burn victim. Nerves are regrowing, skin is healing. It's going to take a LONG TIME for any of this to not hurt. This is going to affect me for the rest of my life. Some scars never go away. I know you're going through a lot, too - I'm figuring out that nearly every person I come accross is a burn victim, trying hard to hide that fact. I'm not angry at you for forgetting, or not understanding the fact that I look normal, but I am raw. But that's what it is. Sometimes, contact is important, and it's ok, even with the pain. But all I ask is - be as gentle as you possibly can, even knowing that the gentlest touch you have may not be able to fully prevent pain. But cause as little as possible. Please.'
And I also thought "and I need to remember this, as well. This is what it means to be gentle with ourselves. WE need to remember that we're burn victims. For not feeling guilty because we can't jump up and play tackle football right away. For hating the pain, and wanting to cry and wail. For the struggle of even just putting the shirt on, or digging in the pocket for change. For the big reactions, the wonder 'why the heck did I just do that?' It's OK. It's where you are right now. Healing will come, but slowly, and not easily. And that's ok, too.'
I'm feeling a bit short on words today, but I wanted to say that i totally relate and I love your points about remorse and being gentle with ourselves.
Thank you!
Jewells,
I don't come here often, The posts...open wounds. But this made it worth it.
thank you!
You are right the open wound heals and needs to be treated with care. We all heal at different rates and some treatments work while others don't based on our makeup----
Great insight...thank you!
Wow.
It's not our fault if we hurt, it's not our fault if we're sensitive, none of it is some flaw within us. Nor is it our choice to hurt. It just is. And someone who truly cares will accept that, whether they understand it or not.
I had that just recently, when my ex contacted me and sent me into a tailspin. A good friend happened to be on line so I talked to him about it to vent and calm myself down. He didn't get why a few words on a computer screen would tip my world upside down, even temporarily - but he accepted that it DID tip my world upside down and so responded with compassion.
And my dad is the one person in my life who is actually trying to understand. Doesn't put much stock in the 'therapy' mumbo-jumbo, but he listens, accepts, and tries to mirror what I explain.
He actually came back - after a heartfelt apology - with 'when I read a book, and I step away from it for a while, the characters are there, frozen, until I come back. I often feel the same way with people. I don't know what's going on, so I assume everything's ok, and I can focus on my own problems. I forget that that's not true, sometimes, and that just because people are smiling and normal doesn't mean they are not in pain.'
My dad and I are two peas in a pod:)
Anyway, I told her there was someone else going through this all similarly to me and wrote something I felt clarifying about where "people like us" are at and hoped it would make sense to her. I doubt she'll respond but it felt good to be able to at least let my voice be heard.
You know what occurs to me is how my counselor gets on me sometimes when I say how I perceive my H's intent, attitude, etc and she says I can't possibly know that. With victims of abuse we are TRAINED to monitor people to avoid getting the "shock treatment" from them. Our radar has had to be fine tuned so I tend to think that puts us in a better position to empathize with others. We are more used to reading emotions (doesn't mean we always get it right but generally speaking). In the past several years it is much easier for me to spot "burn victims".
Off the cuff I most love this:
"And you want something to look for in your abuser, to see if they're in that 1%? They need to treat you like that burn victim. they need to understand better than anyone other than yourself what they've done to you, and PROTECT you from additional pain until you're fully healed. THAT'S what remorse does."
This says so much to me. I know for a fact my ex couldn't/wouldn't be able to do accomplish this.
Thank you for helping me tonight.
Hold strong my friend. We are on your side!