Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl:
The first half week HURT.
Then I had a turn in my professional life that
was positive. So for at least a couple days, I
felt very good overall, just because of that.
Meanwhile, I was also taking a look back at
the just-ended relationship. From that perspective,
and also, with the help of my Clarifying Index Card
excercise, I began to feel increasingly okay with having
the relationship being over. Also, talking with people and
getting support on both forums, was very comforting.
I've had dreams the last couple nights. The night
before last, I dreamed about the emotions that
came with how the relationship ended. There was
both loss-and-pain, and also a feeling that life will
go on and be better.
Last night, (and this is where the emotions of
attachment keep rearing up), I dreamed he
returned and said how much he missed me.
(Don't worry. There is virtually zero chance of
my taking up with him, again.)
But that's the part that confuses so many. . . .
when the "old" feelings peep out again, even
after we've decided that splitting up was for
the better.
Emotions around attachment continue on,
even when we know intellectually, what we
accept and integrate as a "given" around
the circumstances.
What I'm coming to believe about this person
is that he fundamentally lied to me, even from
the beginning. At the start, he told me that he
wanted to take up from where he'd left off. Since
he'd been married a long, long time and lost his
wife to illness, I took his words to mean that he
wanted to be with someone special in a committed
relationship. And since, as we saw each other over
time, he talked consistently, about our life together
going forward, I took him at his word.
When he delivered his face-to-face speech, a few
weeks ago, he told me that he'd changed his mind
about us being together in the future ---- some three
months earlier ----- but (and these were his words) ----
had gone on during those three months telling me what
he thought I'd want to here . . . . . . . the short and
long of this guy was that his footing in the grounding
of truthfullness was pretty darn shaky!!!!!!! I've come
to doubt what he said at the beginning. And I know for
absolute sure (based on his own words), that he totally
lied to me, for at least the last three months.
So ----- while I may still have sweet sentiments about
how good things felt when they felt good ----- I also would
never be able to hear his words again, without wondering
if he was lying or truthing. Who knows?
That's what it feels like, from a couple weeks out from
a year-long relationship.
Today, after work, I'll be with friends I met in 1976.
THAT'S longevity.
Wolf's Daily Howl:
The first half week HURT.
Then I had a turn in my professional life that
was positive. So for at least a couple days, I
felt very good overall, just because of that.
Meanwhile, I was also taking a look back at
the just-ended relationship. From that perspective,
and also, with the help of my Clarifying Index Card
excercise, I began to feel increasingly okay with having
the relationship being over. Also, talking with people and
getting support on both forums, was very comforting.
I've had dreams the last couple nights. The night
before last, I dreamed about the emotions that
came with how the relationship ended. There was
both loss-and-pain, and also a feeling that life will
go on and be better.
Last night, (and this is where the emotions of
attachment keep rearing up), I dreamed he
returned and said how much he missed me.
(Don't worry. There is virtually zero chance of
my taking up with him, again.)
But that's the part that confuses so many. . . .
when the "old" feelings peep out again, even
after we've decided that splitting up was for
the better.
Emotions around attachment continue on,
even when we know intellectually, what we
accept and integrate as a "given" around
the circumstances.
What I'm coming to believe about this person
is that he fundamentally lied to me, even from
the beginning. At the start, he told me that he
wanted to take up from where he'd left off. Since
he'd been married a long, long time and lost his
wife to illness, I took his words to mean that he
wanted to be with someone special in a committed
relationship. And since, as we saw each other over
time, he talked consistently, about our life together
going forward, I took him at his word.
When he delivered his face-to-face speech, a few
weeks ago, he told me that he'd changed his mind
about us being together in the future ---- some three
months earlier ----- but (and these were his words) ----
had gone on during those three months telling me what
he thought I'd want to here . . . . . . . the short and
long of this guy was that his footing in the grounding
of truthfullness was pretty darn shaky!!!!!!! I've come
to doubt what he said at the beginning. And I know for
absolute sure (based on his own words), that he totally
lied to me, for at least the last three months.
So ----- while I may still have sweet sentiments about
how good things felt when they felt good ----- I also would
never be able to hear his words again, without wondering
if he was lying or truthing. Who knows?
That's what it feels like, from a couple weeks out from
a year-long relationship.
Today, after work, I'll be with friends I met in 1976.
THAT'S longevity.
His lying strikes me as interesting because so much of abuse and even rape seems to accompany lying. I'm not saying he was abusive or a rapist, but like him, most abusers don't come out and say "hey, I just want to tell you the truth--I'm going to abuse you later on," and most rapists probably don't say, "hey, just a heads up, I'm a rapist and I'm planning on raping you." They do give hints or "warning", but it's far from honest communication.
It isn't healthy to assume that people are lying, yet we often don't find out that they are lying until it's too late and we are injured.
I wonder how we can be healthy people and trust others, yet deal with the fact that many of the untrustworthy ones lie.
I guess, the bottom line is that you control what you do. He lied. You chose not to see him and to process the pain. We can't control everything that happens to us, but we can control how we choose to be and what we choose to do in response to hardship.
These are just some things I've been thinking about. Hm.
Thanks for sharing your progress and the conclusions you've found from this painful event. I'm glad you are being able to see him from your own eyes now, instead of from his silver tongue (or the mirage of fantasy and attachment feelings). That is being true to yourself.
I'm glad you're meeting up with old friends and hope you have a truly great evening together!
Again, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. We are truly privileged.