Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Things have been going smoothly lately. Not much going on since our last fight. I've just been having a lot of conflicting thoughts, and I thought I'd come back here to try to sort things out. It's been a while since I posted last, so I'll try to provide some examples to keep things in context.
First, now that I'm aware of it, I'm pretty alarmed at how naturally I brush things under the rug. I just do it and regret it later. For example, a common argument for us is how he drives with the kids in the car. He drives recklessly and too fast (intentionally driving fast around sharp turns, doing burnouts and donuts, speeding up and coming to an abrupt stop, etc) with the kids in the car. They love it, and he insists it's all in good fun. Besides the obvious risks, I hate it because I don't want my boys growing up thinking that vehicles are toys. He teases me in front puff the boys saying that I drive like a grandma and even gets them involved. How am I supposed to teach them to be responsible when I'm being undermined like that? He was driving like this the other day while I was along. I got mad, and he was amused, admitting that he does it to make me mad. Shortly after we got home, it was like a switch was flipped. I wasn't angry and just acted like nothing happened. Later I wished I'd pushed it further, as I still felt disrespected.
I'm also bothered by the fact that I catch myself initiating intimacy a lot. I don't actually want to have sex, given that shortly before Christmas he had forced himself on me and then spent over a month whining and trying to threaten me into having sex with him again. I guess I want this to be a healthy relationship. I want to feel loved, and the only way to get that is to fake it and push my concerns to the side. I truly do not want intimacy with him, so I don't really know why I'm so quick to initiate it.
I guess it all boils down to this: how much of this am I really responsible for? I don't feel comfortable discussing my feelings with him, so there are times when he doesn't know something he's doing bothers me. I'm obviously sending mixed signals. I'm really questioning whether this is abuse or miscommunication. I just need some feedback, I suppose. I need a little help processing everything, and this has always been the best place for me to do that.
First, now that I'm aware of it, I'm pretty alarmed at how naturally I brush things under the rug. I just do it and regret it later. For example, a common argument for us is how he drives with the kids in the car. He drives recklessly and too fast (intentionally driving fast around sharp turns, doing burnouts and donuts, speeding up and coming to an abrupt stop, etc) with the kids in the car. They love it, and he insists it's all in good fun. Besides the obvious risks, I hate it because I don't want my boys growing up thinking that vehicles are toys. He teases me in front puff the boys saying that I drive like a grandma and even gets them involved. How am I supposed to teach them to be responsible when I'm being undermined like that? He was driving like this the other day while I was along. I got mad, and he was amused, admitting that he does it to make me mad. Shortly after we got home, it was like a switch was flipped. I wasn't angry and just acted like nothing happened. Later I wished I'd pushed it further, as I still felt disrespected.
I'm also bothered by the fact that I catch myself initiating intimacy a lot. I don't actually want to have sex, given that shortly before Christmas he had forced himself on me and then spent over a month whining and trying to threaten me into having sex with him again. I guess I want this to be a healthy relationship. I want to feel loved, and the only way to get that is to fake it and push my concerns to the side. I truly do not want intimacy with him, so I don't really know why I'm so quick to initiate it.
I guess it all boils down to this: how much of this am I really responsible for? I don't feel comfortable discussing my feelings with him, so there are times when he doesn't know something he's doing bothers me. I'm obviously sending mixed signals. I'm really questioning whether this is abuse or miscommunication. I just need some feedback, I suppose. I need a little help processing everything, and this has always been the best place for me to do that.
The more I think about it, the more I realize this is not the first time he's crossed the line. This is just the first time I had the support to help me identify it for what it truly was. It's a depressing realization, but I think it's a good one to have. Things are becoming increasingly clear, and I just want out. I wish I'd realized it sooner and left when I had the chance.
And for the record, the biggest reason I left was also exactly that. How could I possibly expect my son to grow up respecting women generally and me personally, if I didn't have enough respect for myself to walk away from the way I was being treated.