Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Things have been going smoothly lately. Not much going on since our last fight. I've just been having a lot of conflicting thoughts, and I thought I'd come back here to try to sort things out. It's been a while since I posted last, so I'll try to provide some examples to keep things in context.
First, now that I'm aware of it, I'm pretty alarmed at how naturally I brush things under the rug. I just do it and regret it later. For example, a common argument for us is how he drives with the kids in the car. He drives recklessly and too fast (intentionally driving fast around sharp turns, doing burnouts and donuts, speeding up and coming to an abrupt stop, etc) with the kids in the car. They love it, and he insists it's all in good fun. Besides the obvious risks, I hate it because I don't want my boys growing up thinking that vehicles are toys. He teases me in front puff the boys saying that I drive like a grandma and even gets them involved. How am I supposed to teach them to be responsible when I'm being undermined like that? He was driving like this the other day while I was along. I got mad, and he was amused, admitting that he does it to make me mad. Shortly after we got home, it was like a switch was flipped. I wasn't angry and just acted like nothing happened. Later I wished I'd pushed it further, as I still felt disrespected.
I'm also bothered by the fact that I catch myself initiating intimacy a lot. I don't actually want to have sex, given that shortly before Christmas he had forced himself on me and then spent over a month whining and trying to threaten me into having sex with him again. I guess I want this to be a healthy relationship. I want to feel loved, and the only way to get that is to fake it and push my concerns to the side. I truly do not want intimacy with him, so I don't really know why I'm so quick to initiate it.
I guess it all boils down to this: how much of this am I really responsible for? I don't feel comfortable discussing my feelings with him, so there are times when he doesn't know something he's doing bothers me. I'm obviously sending mixed signals. I'm really questioning whether this is abuse or miscommunication. I just need some feedback, I suppose. I need a little help processing everything, and this has always been the best place for me to do that.
First, now that I'm aware of it, I'm pretty alarmed at how naturally I brush things under the rug. I just do it and regret it later. For example, a common argument for us is how he drives with the kids in the car. He drives recklessly and too fast (intentionally driving fast around sharp turns, doing burnouts and donuts, speeding up and coming to an abrupt stop, etc) with the kids in the car. They love it, and he insists it's all in good fun. Besides the obvious risks, I hate it because I don't want my boys growing up thinking that vehicles are toys. He teases me in front puff the boys saying that I drive like a grandma and even gets them involved. How am I supposed to teach them to be responsible when I'm being undermined like that? He was driving like this the other day while I was along. I got mad, and he was amused, admitting that he does it to make me mad. Shortly after we got home, it was like a switch was flipped. I wasn't angry and just acted like nothing happened. Later I wished I'd pushed it further, as I still felt disrespected.
I'm also bothered by the fact that I catch myself initiating intimacy a lot. I don't actually want to have sex, given that shortly before Christmas he had forced himself on me and then spent over a month whining and trying to threaten me into having sex with him again. I guess I want this to be a healthy relationship. I want to feel loved, and the only way to get that is to fake it and push my concerns to the side. I truly do not want intimacy with him, so I don't really know why I'm so quick to initiate it.
I guess it all boils down to this: how much of this am I really responsible for? I don't feel comfortable discussing my feelings with him, so there are times when he doesn't know something he's doing bothers me. I'm obviously sending mixed signals. I'm really questioning whether this is abuse or miscommunication. I just need some feedback, I suppose. I need a little help processing everything, and this has always been the best place for me to do that.
Here is my experience:
My dad would drive like a maniac when I was growing up as a child. I'm grown now, and it comes as no surprise that I ended up engaging in an abusive relationship with someone who drove recklessly (in a traumatic sense) while intoxicated. He thought I would think it's sexy or something. Looking back, that should have been the biggest red flag, but I ignored it because of how hooked I was. Putting my life in jeopardy so he could get off on feeling power and control. Pretty sick. Pretty sad. Pretty pathetic.
The good news is I joined dailystrength.org. I see a therapist. I am educating myself about the different forms of abuse and I'm getting to know myself again, what I don't have to tolerate, etc.
It's a process, and it's not linear for me.
Thanks for sharing.
Also it reconnected me to him, and helped me to pretend that things would be all right. At that point I was so anxious about him and the relationship that I couldn't even tell if I wanted to have sex or not. All I wanted was to keep him from blowing up at me and to make it through another night.
Why did you tell us that story about the kids and the car? It was not an accident, and you answered your own question.....those behaviors are ABUSIVE, every one of them, driving recklessly is a considered PHYSICAL ABUSE even though he never laid a hand on you or your kids because he is endangering your physicality by driving that way in the first place. ABUSE. Not only does he undermine what you feel is an important value you want passed on to your children about responsibility and safety (ABUSE) but he also does so by ridiculing you in front of your kids. ABUSE. And then on top of it he admits he does it purposely to make you angry (MORE ABUSE.) And what part of any of this at all has to do with communication problems??? It seems pretty clear to me that you are communicating your boundaries pretty clearly. He doesn't care. As a matter of fact he uses the information against you to abuse you with.
The fact you are initiating sex a lot when you don't want it is typical behavior for the sexual assault you experienced. Better to give it to him than have it forceably taken again-it's self protection and taking back control when your control over your own body was robbed from you by someone who is supposed to love and care for you.
Stuffing your feelings because they will be ridiculed, dismissed or punished, tying to comply, desperately wanting a normal, healthy relationship and yet some part of you knowing it never will be anywhere close to that with your abuser is normal fallout from abuse. What kind of signals do you think this man is interested in? Whether you want his love or not? Because the only signals he pays any attention to is whether you are being adequately controlled, or breaking ranks and need to be put back in your place. He does not see relationships anywhere close to the way you see them, and that is part of the problem, and why this is not about communication. I'm sorry to say, you are still being abused, and it looks like your future holds more the same, no matter what you do. That is the way abuse works. You will always be put in a lose-lose scenario.
Sounds like abuse to me.
As for initiating intimacy, I wouldn't be surprised if that's not also a defence mechanism. You know how he gets when there's no intimacy, he will go as far as raping you if that's what it takes. Again, I suspect your subconscious is trying to protect you from the trauma of rape by letting you pretend you want to, even though you know you don't. It's a disconnect yes, but abuse tends to cause a great many disconnects, as we try to keep ourselves safe in an unsafe environment.
You are right, you are being undermined and disrespected. And your children are learning that this is what marriage is, this is how women deserve to be treated. Please, please work towards changing this for them.
I want to keep my family together, but this is no way for my boys to grow up. While I'm trying to teach them to be caring and empathetic, he's teaching them to be disrespectful and irresponsible. It's so frustrating because I'll never be rid of this. I'll have to battle this for years and hope that I'm supplying my boys with enough positive to shine light on how negative his influence is. My biggest fear is that they'll want to be like him.
Behere, I'm not sure why they think this is so impressive. He insists it's fine because he's a professional driver. (He is a truck driver, not a stunt driver.) When I tell him I'm concerned the boys will try to emulate this when they get older, he actually says, "Good. Then they'll know how to properly control their vehicle." I can't even begin to tell you how mad that makes me. He grew up with his father driving like this. When I bring up that he accrued so many "racing on highways" charges when he was young that he was barred from the police academy and the military, he gets mad and says I'm just bringing up his shortcomings. All I'm really trying to do is show him how it affected him negatively and could do the same to our kids.
MStill, that's exactly what it was for me, at first. After that last incident, I refused to have sex for well over a month. He started getting so hostile about it that I couldn't take it anymore. I gave in just to relieve the tension in the house. I hated it, and I think he knew that. Lately, though, I don't know why I'm initiating because I honestly don't want to follow through.
Can't, thank you for helping me put things in perspective. We're in what I suppose would be called the honeymoon phase, and this always leaves me reeling. When things are going poorly, it's easy for me to see how unhealthy and abusive this relationship is. When things are going well and he's being nice to me, it's easy for me to dismiss everything else as a misunderstanding. I suppose that's how I've survived the last 6 years of marriage without completely losing my mind.
DeliAnn, when I put it in writing, it seems so much more cut and dry. I know it's wrong, and I really need to get my kids away from this influence before they start to behave the same.
Liv, you and Can't made a good point about my initiating intimacy. Particularly at first, I was consciously doing it as an offensive move. If I initiated, I didn't have to worry about how he would, because I knew what happened when I continued to say no. Now, I really think I'm trying to get some connection out of it. I want to be loved and respected, but I always end up disappointed because I never get those feelings.
have already said.
Also, a question:
Have you ever tried
doing my Clarifying
Index Card exercise?
If not, you might
benefit by giving
it a go. I'll bump
it for you, now.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and strength.
I also know what you mean about the honeymoon phase. I guess I am blessed in a way, that I could no longer enjoy the honeymoon. For the past 3 or 4 months, the honeymoon was just as bad for me, because I was a wreck, waiting for the next explosion. Anything he would do or say that was nice just didn't matter anymore, because I knew it could end at any moment.
The truth hurts a lot for me. But I am so glad I realize it now. I think I am really done this time.
I wish you the best. Get all the support you can. Take care
The situations you describe, your thoughts, feelings, all of it, I can completely relate to, experienced and lived through as well. The decision making time is especially challenging and scary. It's awesome that you have found this group for yourself because you can log on and get a lot of great support. That shows a lot of strength and determination within you.
I always made myself responsible for our whole family's behavior, I put (and let him put) so much on myself that it's only with time out of the toxic environment and situation that I still continue to see more things with truth and clarity. I too wanted to keep my marriage & family together. Marriage is a relationship of two not one. Everyone's situation is different and only you know what is right for you and your kids. You can't change him and you aren't responsible for his behavior or his choices.
I felt very anxious, confused, and rattled as I got closer to our break up and anticipating his responses, reactions, & behaviors. Everything you're feeling and experiencing is normal. Speak to yourself the way you would to a friend, you have strength within you. Keeping you and your kids in my prayers
Glad to read that you are making plans to get away from this horrible situation, for your and your children's sakes.
I, too, have been a professional driver in my life, and in no way would i or anyone i know behave such. He is endangering his own children's lives, both now, and in the future. That alone...child abuse...should be enough motivation to continue on with your plans to leave.
Please be sure to highlight this in divorce/custody hearings. He should NOT be allowed to drive at all, IMHO, but definitely not with children in the car.
GL&TC! {{hugz}}
I guess all of this is why I was initiating myself. When I did, I was in control. Now, I'm not, and I don't know what to do. I never thought I'd be in this position.
And the thing that strikes me about the reckless driving story (mine did that too!) is that you say that your kids like it too and even ridicule you for driving in a sane manner. This is one of the many reasons I left my husband. If kids grow up learning that their mother is stupid and incapable (according to their father), they will treat her in the same way. I saw it happen to my fil. He's the most decent person in the family, but my ex-h@and bil treat him like a dog--because his wife always treated him that way! I didn't want to be him 30 years down the road.