I believe it is normal. I believe that when the tether breaks, and nothing terrible happens like your anxiety is telling you will happen-that is when peace will eventually come.

You have been so strong, 1 week, 1 day and 2 hours is amazing! You know what will happen if you hear his voice-it will be full of abuse. Your anxiety is wrong-the HIM you don't want to be separated from is already gone, that tether is already broken. Now it's nothing more than an idea that you have to mourn.

I went thru that. It's normal. I liken it to going thru withdrawals. And if that wasn't bad enough, as the realization of going thru like totally w/o him, we can end up terrified and desperate to not let go of that tether.

As the old saying goes, this too shall pass and it will get better. Honor the feelings that come with this. Allow yourself to grieve. NURTURE yourself as you would a small child. Get in touch with the adult nurturing parent inside of you so that you don't contact him. Instead, take a bubble bath or go for a walk in the park. Do something healthy to distract yourself until the urge passes. The longer you go NC, the easier this will be come and the less frequently it will happen.

Be prepared for it to happen around anniversaries (even the weekly, monthly, 6-month & yearly anniversary), holidays, birthdays &/or other special occasions. Even when you've been NC for a year, this can happen.

There's a saying that Dr. Wayne Dyer uses. Not sure who originated it. If you don't like what you see/experience, change how you see/experience it. Not easy, but it is doable. Change how you see him. Instead of pining for the comfort of his voice (which I have done too), go listen to soothing music. Better yet, talk out loud to yourself. Say the comforting things you want to hear, like I am ok, I am safe, I am loved, etc. Look at yourself in the mirror while saying these loving affirmations. Do this every time you get the urge to hear from him, want to be with him, wish things were different. Also pull out your index cards from Ilene's Index Card Exercise and really read them. Remind yourself that you are, sadly, wishing for a fantasy that doesn't really exist.

And remember to breathe and take good care of yourself..

~healing hugs~

I am trying really hard today. It is all I can do. I feel quite frantic to talk to him. It feels a lot like those crazy, compulsive behaviors that have caused me so much pain in the past.

It feels like that, frantic. Like, what am I think?! That is my husband. I love him. I need to talk to him NOW. (Hasn't been my husband in well over a year)

I will be okay but gosh today isn't even sad, just frantic.

Please don't get your children caught up in this. It is NOT their jobs to be your go between with your abuser.

You're going through withdrawals, as MTC writes. It's hard to let go of any addiction, and you may have become addicted to the drama.

Do you do any breath work? I know it aids me when i feel anxious or "frantic", mebbe it'll aid you, too.

You're doing really well. This is all just part of the road to freedom.

{{hugz}}

Thanks, Reelin, I would never involve my children like that but the feeling was there. All of those frantic feelings are gone now and it is another validation that those feelings do pass and when they do I am ever so grateful that I did not contact him yet again.

Good for you! I'm glad you are no longer feeling frantic and are maintaining no contact. I'm sure today was very difficult for you. You made it through and you are strong.

You're doing awesome Shannon! I'm glad the panicked feeling has passed. I would liken those feelings to withdrawal too. We are withdrawing from an old life, especially so many years we had into it, how could it not be hard and not take a longer time. Yes, yes, yes, it's happened to me, more than once, I haven't kept track but probably many more times than I can count through this time so far.

The healing is quite painful but you have this much time you've gone through and you will continue to get stronger. For me it helps to distract myself, try to focus on something else, try to keep busy & I do a lot of praying.

About hearing his voice, do you have old vms you can listen to. I realized I had a couple of messages & I found that once I heard his voice and the realities first hand, boy did that take away the urge to want to hear his voice live.
sending you hugs

Oh my gosh, what an idea! I do have saved messages.

"G******t, Shannon. Would you stop hanging up on me when I say something you don't like. I have good advice and I think you need to listen to it."

This is him angry that I told him I would hang up every time he abused me verbally over the phone.

Oh, hearing his hateful voice. I can really concentrate on my NCIS Netflix binge now. :)

Wow, you are doing such a great job! I remember those feelings exactly, and they werent pleasant. But you are doing so well, and coming on here for help is the best thing to do. You have a lot of good comments and advice already, which I cant really add to, other than to offer you encouragement to keep going. I promise you, it does get easier and, a few months from now, you wont feel it and you will be truly free. What I will say is, when I felt as you did, when I got that urge to text or call him, I would either journal on here, or compose the text I wanted to send him and would send it to my friend. It got it off my chest and actually did make me feel better. Keep up the good work, you are doing a fantastic job. Stay strong and be kind to yourself

OMG,

"G******t, Shannon. Would you stop hanging up on me when I say something you don't like. I have good advice and I think you need to listen to it."

SO familiar! I can just hear the irritation and condescension in his voice! Don't hang up on on me when I am being abusive-don't you know it is my right to say whatever I want and you, as an object meant for my pleasure have no right to decide what you do or don't want to hear-no matter what it might do to you! How dare you decide what you might need, you are not allowed to have any ideas about that-*I* decide what you get to hear and do, based on what feels good to me at the moment, and being abusive to you makes me feel damn good and powerful-so you will listen!

THAT is the translation for "G******t, Shannon. Would you stop hanging up on me when I say something you don't like. I have good advice and I think you need to listen to it."

You are doing amazing! All these feelings you have doesn't take away from any of your amazing successes.

You are so freaking right. So right it takes my breath away. I cut and paste many of your responses and put them in my email inbox as reference all throughout my day. Your responses are never wasted on me. Thank you.

I am worried about my daughter. She is 19, has a history of being in a very abusive relationship (34 yo convicted felon) and he also introduced her to meth. I think he is out of her life now but she is really struggling with her life. It is very difficult for her. She lives across town from me now near the university and she is trying. Today, I was concerned because she had no responded to any of my texts in the last 24 hours. I got the idea to check our verizon accounts as I pay her phone bill. I was able to see that she has been actively texting/ calling so she is okay, BUT I noticed several numbers that I recognized... mine, son, family members, but none of them from her f'ing father. So, I researched and it has been 18 days since he contacted her. I could scream. He knows all the struggles. He knows the court case coming up (her abuser).

When he was here last, Feb 1st or so, she refused to visit with him more than an hour. Remember, he was drunk and gross the whole time. He made a comment then, "She knows where I am if she wants to talk to me." Um, hello?? Am I crazy? Who is the one to make things right in this relationship? OMG. It just really blows my mind.

For a minute I wondered if he was okay but he did a transfer of money into my account as court ordered this week-end so he is alive. Probably drinking again and being gross. What a horrible, miserable excuse for a father. I hate him.

It's typical of a narcissistic abuser to consider that all the work on the relationship should come from your daughter's side. I have seen it myself, where the narcissistic parent will simply refuse to make contact or to do anything until the child complies with whatever it is the narc thinks he (or she) deserves. So your daughter didn't want to spend heaps of time with him last time he was at yours. In his mind, that's because she's an ungrateful, selfish little miss who needs to be taught a lesson. Why should he put any effort into her, when she didn't even want to spend time with his drunken abuse?

There's nothing you can do about him. All you can do is be the best mother you can be. And know that you are enough. Yes, it would be great if her father could also be there for her, but he won't be, so you just have to accept it and keep going. It's not fair, but it is reality.

You are doing such a great job. You will be fine, and she will know she always has you.

I have mixed feelings about my neglectful stbx, especially when it comes to my son. Sure, he doesn't stay in touch with our three kids because he expects THEM to call HIM. But I remember how he would always mess things up if he had any information about them, and it often made things worse. Why would I expect him to be the father now that he never was? Maybe your daughter is like my son.....us being there for them, giving them support, believing in them, LIKING them, letting them be who they are and grow into their true selves.....maybe that is what they need. ((hugs))

It's great that you saved a nasty VM from him as a reminder of what you DON'T miss! Brilliant!

I had to be both mother & father to my children too. They've thanked me for it. It isn't easy, but it's kinda fun when i get a "father's day" card! :)

I wish you the best for you and your daughter.

{{hugz}}

Something is really going on with me today. My anxiety is through the roof and everything feels wonky and not right.

I have a "feeling" that more healing is around the corner, though. In the past, during my extensive and very long recovery, these intense days are followed by increasingly better days of peace. I just have to cut that cord and NC is the only way I can think how to do it. Plus, that is the advice I keep being given so I am doing it but I am taken aback by how much I feel today.

1 week, 3 days, 5 hours, 17 minutes