Some abusers will go to extreme length to keep their tentacles hooked into you for as long as they can.

Going No Contact doesn't stop them from trying to contact you and suck you back in.

There are many different variations of No Contact. Here's mine:

Block the abuser from phone, email and social media. Block all mutual friends who have stayed in contact w/the abuser.

If that doesn't work, then change phone numbers, email addresses and the way you are listed in social media by deactivating your account and creating a new one and only giving your new phone number & email address to and friending those you implicitly trust.

If he is following you, leaving notes at your home or work and/or calling you at work, then its time to call the police and report him for harassing and stalking you.

You also might want to have your car, phone, tablet & computer checked for tracking devices.

I have been out nearly 6 years, no contact for five (almost to the day). For the first year of no contact, his attempts to contact me were constant. Then they died off. But his last attempt was only a few months ago. And I half expect another around Christmas time.

Just do your best to detach, and to (as MTC said) block all avenues of communication. And know that it gets easier.

Well I don't have any advice, and I know I will get heat on this comment but, FUCK THAT, I'm not going to allow someone scare me into changing this, changing that, I just can't allow for my whole world to be upside down, because the staulker can't get over himself.

In fact, knowing me, if he did come around me and try to keep that stupid stuff, I would get a tazer, and taze the shit out of him, every time I came into contact with him, ok now let me wake up, that's a dream, I know that's not really going to happen but you know that's what I wish I could do.

I know MTC is right, because she knows what she's talking about, but i just hate that I have to change my whole world for someone who has a screw loose.

Mine still lurks around but it's because he thinks we're reconciling, and I really don't want to, I kind of go back to the abusive behavior and call him names, basically to just show him that no matter what, things for him and I are not gonna change. We still can't get along.
I can't stand him and I wish he would just get it through his head.

But what your going through just proves, you can do all that changing your phone number and fb, all that social media change, and they still find you, so does that make you feel better or worse? You go to the extreme of thinking that they are not going to be able to find you and when they do, your like what's the point.

I think what my abuser is doing is trying to find a reason to blame me again. Like if I go on a date site and he finds me, you think he would dump me? No he gets on it too, and then tells me and tries to manipulate me because he thinks he wants us to still be together, it's just these stupid cat and mouse games, I get so sick of it, get a life already, and leave me alone. ugh. it never ends.

Mending, I didn't change my details either, because I didn't want to. Instead, I just stopped responding. Sometimes that can be harder. In my case, I was well past wanting to have any communication with him, so there was very little temptation to respond. Whether you block, change your details, or just ignore is a matter for each individual to decide.

What IS important, is to not have contact, to not allow them into your life, because they are toxic. Allowing a little access is like drinking a little poison - sure, it's not as bad as a big dose, but it's still poison.

Some of them just keep going, as MTC said.

I didn't block my parents from my phone when our relationship was going south (due to my father`s narcissism, and his inability to cope with the first time I did something he didn't agree with)... but I did learn the value of NC even before knowing about the concept of it in relation to an abuser.

When I didn't give them anything, including a reaction, they didn't call, and when they didn't call, I felt better. The longer the spaces grew between calls, I noticed the less I really cared and the harder any interaction with them hit me like the little bit of poison Livn talks about. It was magnifying. I kept on not giving in. It took months, maybe years. Now they don`t call at all unless it`s something official or to do with someone else like a family death.

I agree, it does get easier. Hugs xxx

My abusive ex gave up pretty quickly, but I also went No Contact the week that I ended what was left of our "short" relationship. He found ways to reach me over the next month, but I squashed them as soon as they came in. It was the hardest thing I've ever done all at once, I didn't truly want him out of my life, but it was a lot easier than the constant pain that came with keeping in touch.

If you've tried all that and he still keeps trying, keep ignoring him as long as you can and don't be afraid to take legal action. Unfortunately it seems he thinks everything is still on his terms, despite your efforts to show him otherwise.

Just wanted to add that, since the experience I wrote about above, I have come to appreciate the value of blocking - have used it more than once.

Also, I say both parents because, even though my mother was also abused by my father, she remains under his spell. Keeping contact with her was leaving myself open to indirect abuse from him and emotionally abusive behaviour from her towards me under his influence. This is where cutting contact with those who are still in contact with the abuser comes in. It can be a hard decision - it's for the best, though.

Thanks everyone.

Part of the problem I had in staying no contact was our daughter, we had joint custody of her. I tried to keep it to things about our daughter but I grew to realize things about our daughter WERE actually about me. They were either an IN to initiate contact and 1% of what he said was about her and the rest was about how horrible I am basically, or he was using her to project his feelings onto, she feels you abandoned her, NO YOU feel like that! The other problem was my bf really didn't get it. He would get so worked up, and I think because he couldn't physically punch him in the face he encouraged me to do it verbally, stick up for myself, just create and establish boundaries and everything will work out okay over time. Nope, it doesn't work that way at all. I just got hooved back into the same dynamic, only now I wasn't living with him, and now he was SOOOOOO much angrier.

The other problem has been my family. They are not abusive people, they are good people, but not totally healthy either. They are kind of "hypermoral" "rose colored glasses" types. And they felt sorry for him. They can't be rude in order to create boundaries. So he kept entangling himself with them (still does-just sold his treadmill to my stupid sister), pumping them for information and trying to use them to hurt me too. Your parents said this, your sister said that, either lying or twisting it around to make it sound like they agreed with things he said. How can I throw away MY entire support system for everything in life? Generally when I need them they are there, they are not bad people, they just don't "get" certain things-like abuse.

My daughter too, still has contact with him. I do not tell her what to say or not say about me. So I know he pumps her for info. I always thought telling her not to talk about me was crossing a line, that's it's not her fault what does with the innocent stuff she tells him.

So it's been a year since I blocked him completely from my phone, and his email goes into a folder which I don't read (I know all the kinds of crap it says anyway-all the same garbage different day). And he still does this manipulative stuff with my parents and daughter, and he still sends those emails. I just can't believe the level of emeshment for him, it's almost delusional. Like when my daughter got so sick and I was communicating with him more (BIG mistake) he told me he was considering moving but didn't want to in case A and I needed to move back in with him, and I thought, what planet are you living on that you think in a million years I would live with you again after everything you've done to me?!? And he called me one day and told me what my house would be worth if I wanted to sell it because the profit would be just enough to cover his dept so he wouldn't have to file bankruptcy. That's right guys, the house I bought, that I live in with my boyfriend, we wants me to sell and give the money to him. And he was just as serious and natural about it as could be.

And he is angry, so paranoid about me, thinking I'm out to get him when all I've tried to do is pathologically avoid dealing with anything about him sine the divorce-sometimes failing miserably at it when I've been baited. It creeps me out sometimes when I really think about it, his anger and paranoia, the level to which he believes I am an object owned by him to do with as he pleases, the lengths he goes to to keep me in his life, and how I imagine he must think about me all the time-he must to do the stuff he does. It gives me the willies.

For years I have endured this, going along feeling good and then sucker punched by his crap reminding me he's still there, in the background, hating me, wanting to hurt me and that I'm still within his reach. I've toyed with getting a RO, but I am so afraid it will just push him over that edge he's been teetering on for YEARS. If escalations went from 1-6 he's been on level 5 for years and years and years. It's almost diabolical how the stays just right there, ya know?

I hate to answer my phone because he has tried calling me on unknown numbers before, I don't take walks at night, even though I don't know that he's ever staked out my house-I mean, he doesn't have to-he picks up our daughter here. Still, that next step, he may have done it already for all I know. When he picks up our daughter I feel like I can't leave the house because he might pull up in the drive while I'm coming or going. Someone who is that angry, that obsessed for that long, and that delusional, freaks me the F out and I just want to move across the country.

Thanks for listening to me vent and sharing your insights.

I guess I can say I'm one of the lucky few. My abusive ex, who was also an alcoholic, died in 2012 from his alcoholism. But, bit at me the entire time up time he went in the hospital. The divorce was not final and we had been going through the process for 2 years. He wouldn't follow court orders, wouldn't do repairs to the house that were court ordered (so we couldn't list it) and was making my life and that of my kids total hell from afar. Once he died, the house got repaired, listed, and sold. I'm sure none of you wish death on your spouses or ex's (asking for a hand raise...LOL), but my life got very peaceful and I was able to heal. I cannot imagine if he was still here....my life would be torturous.!

Sorry you're still experiencing that, Cant, must be really, really hard on you.

The fact that your ex is still in contact with your family makes it's more difficult. Can you ask them to avoid discussion with him about you? That if he asks them anything to just not answer it? Obviously, he's going to get any info he can out of them.

Let's face it, he shouldn't be putting your daughter in the middle and asking her anything but that's one of their things to do, and they'll justify it by saying they're being thoughtful or nice. Yea, right!! (not). A suggestion is to let your daughter know that there's no reason for her dad to talk about you with her. That he shouldn't be asking her things and you don't want her in the middle. If he asks her how you are, she can just respond saying good and leave it at that. If he presses on, she can tell him if he wants to know about you, he can call you. At which time, you wouldn't be taking his call due to NC anyway.

Keeping you in my prayers, take good care of yourself.

can't i can't imagine how you keep your anxiety and fear in check. i was stalked for 2 years and it sounds like a cruise in the caribbean compared to what you are living with. i am so sorry that this bastard is anywhere near you, it's one of those times i wish i could set someone on fire with my mind.

your family, as nice as they are, are throwing you into a sacrificial volcano because they don't want to be impolite. there is no way in HELL they should have any relationship with him at all, let alone exchanging exercise equipment. what if you pressed them a little harder? what if you sort of insinuated that it was him or you? what if you implied you were very, very serious about making an ultimatum? i'm not saying this to take away your support or add to your problems, but they are like a leak in your boat, and dammit whose side are they on? it is disrespectful and straight up insane that he would have this access to you and your inner circle. how are you ever supposed to feel safe?

i know that this is probably counter-intuitive, but if they can't understand how important this is, you should take a step back from them. you need to think of your own peace of mind, you will never have it when you know everyone on your boat is throwing chum in the water so the shark never loses it's scent. They have offered up a buffet of treats for him to enjoy, they keep him close, they keep him in your obit and they are a connection that you don't need. i get it if you tell me to shut up, though, i don't know if i could take my own advice in that position. at least protect yourself if you can. tell them less, talk smaller. don't give them anything delicious for him.

Thank you all so much for the validation, because it is hellish. It is extremely anxiety and fear producing. It is infuriating, it is unfair, it makes me feel totally trapped and at his mercy, helpless to stop it. Damned if I do and damned if I don't as far as what steps I can take.

If I do nothing I can just hope it does not escalate and instead dies away. But-it could go the other way if certain factors present themselves, and No Contact leaves me completely unprepared and ignorant of a major escalation when BAM I'm confronted with it.

But then again, if I knew about it what could I do about it that's any different than the level of protection I could have now, which I already don't have much faith in. Orders of protection work really well for a certain type, for another type they just fuel the fire. I know that might be controversial to say on here, but I also believe it is the truth.

I have feared, rightly or wrongly, that he is the type who would see an OP as further evidence of me trying to ruin his life, of me publicly humiliating him. He has proven already, with practically every word and action towards me for almost two decades that he thinks I am a weakling, that he has the right and ability to control me, that I am incapable of taking care of myself, despite evidence to the contrary, because he likes to think of me that way. It justifies his attempts to control me. I don't believe for one moment he would hesitate to act if I got an OP because he would never think I would do anything about it. I think it would just engage him on a whole other level. He's never followed court orders from our divorce degree, he has no social network of admirers to worry about this reputation, he hasn't listened to my parent's warnings to leave me alone. Sometimes I feel like it will never end, the only escape from it will either be my death or his. I know that sounds dramatic, but it is my honest feeling. Stalking, harassment, abuse, all the different methods, and tactics, it's all the same really, all of it is just horrific for the person who is the target. None of it should ever happen, but it does.

My parents, my sisters, they do really piss me off when it comes to this stuff, to be perfectly frank about it. For all the reasons you said so cleverly, vernacular. To feel so violated, and scared, and angry, and have them minimize it that way feels like a real betrayal, especially when my ex plays it that way. It has taken years of asserting myself, educating, asking for support to make headway with my parents. In August-they took him our for his birthday! YES they did, and of course it incited the hell out of him and I got 5 emails and 2 vms that day-which is the same day I came here for the first time. I read my dad the riot act-and people don't read my dad the riot act. He sat there and took it. He didn't justify it. My sister on the other hand, just gets sneakier about her contact with my ex instead of honoring my wishes. I don't get it at all. But then she just got out of an abusive relationship herself-he bf "put his hands around her neck" ie strangled her, but we don't say things like our boyfriends try and strangle us, or our ex husband's stalk us in my family-these douche bags are just lonely, and depressed. Poor fellas. Who knows, may be she'll start to get it now, but I'm not holding my breath.

Now, the flip side, is that when my bf had a TBI (basically dementia-okay, imagine it now) and my daughter had a psychotic break at the same time (getting a clear picture of this fun time) I couldn't leave either one of them alone for safety reasons. So that I could work, grocery shop, shower, sleep, my whole dysfunctional family took time out of their lives to be available to me in shifts as needed, driving an hour one way to my house to stay with my daughter and my bf so they would be safe and I wouldn't fall apart. My mom flew across the country and stayed for a month. My sister flew in from TX. When my daughter and bf were continuously in one hospital or another they came over and fed and walked my 5 unruly dogs, they cleaned my house so I could rest, they have always done everything possible to support me, my bf who they see as my H, and my daughter. None of this was easy stuff, none of it was fun stuff. They didn't hesitate to be there in a hundred ways I can't write here. THIS is also who they are. They are too complex to just write off, there is too much good there. I feel very conflicted. It's not a good feeling either.

good people can be dysfunctional, loving people can do damage that would curl your hair. asserting yourself is not a betrayal against them, although i'm sure it feels like that, because you all seem to have a little co-dependency, passive-agressive-y, game-play-y thing going on. in other words, a family.

that your sister was in a violently abusive relationship seems about right, whatever the issues were that brought you to an abuser are clearly present in some way with her. she is playing out abuse in all her relationships, which is how it works. so, she lies to you and sneaks away with an abusive monster because it is familiar and comfortable. she is falling into the trap which is unfortunate but NOT your responsibility, and saying to her that you don't trust her, or need to be away from her for a while because she is in fact sleeping with the enemy is not an act of aggression against her, it is an act of empowerment for YOU. celebrating this jackass' birthday is like dousing you with gas and acting like you are a hysteric when you ask no one to smoke around you.

i get your fears about the OP, and i think i agree with you. someone as off-kilter as this guy might not respond well to what he sees as hostility, and i wish i could just wallpaper you the same pattern as your kitchen so you could disappear into the background. not that you don't ever use the OP, just maybe make it a last resort. however, i don't think it would work anyway, because your first line of defense is in breach. there is no use getting an alarm system when you leave your windows and front door open.

get over feeling guilty, that is a manipulation. your family are wonderful because they are your family, and they love you. now they have to love you even though it's inconvenient, and they are going to do it if you have to tie them to their chairs and force them to listen.

i think if you are desperate enough to contemplate the OP, now is the time to sit down with your family and make some demands. tell them, in detail, every GORY TERRIFYING detail, of your fears and how they need to support you. if you follow this trajectory to its worst case scenario you could end up running from this guy and disappearing for your own safety, and your family would lose you. i'm sure you have contemplated all the other, worse ways they could lose you, have THEY contemplated it? you say they don't talk about the violence going on in TWO of their children's relationships....how about starting the dialogue? what do they think the flavor of conversation will be when they chat with friends about how both of their daughters were murdered by abusers while they stood by, politely averting their gaze?

i'm not trying to scare you, and i know that these are things that have more than crossed your mind. i'm hoping to shock you maybe, so maybe you shock them. there has to be a happy medium between living in fear and living in fear because you had to get an OP, and they are the key. they helped you before, ask them to help you now, and tell them what they need to do if they need direction. then you will have another layer of blanket around you, and maybe that will be enough to get you some peace of mind. without their attention, maybe this guy will get bored and find a new family to terrorize.

I know it's easier said than done to tell your family that they're actually hurting you by keeping in touch with your abuser, and even more difficult to expect them to fully understand your perspective. But your healing and health are way more important than everyone liking any of them all the time. As special as that guy may be on a superficial level, you're the one whose health can be saved. That guy is sick all the time.

I wish I had solid advice to give you. That situation really super sucks and I hope so very much that there's an opportunity to make things easier for you.

Bottled, just getting validated is an incredible thing. To feel not crazy, to have someone who doesn't pat you on the hand and say "It's just a little harassment, just a little abuse, just deal with it." so they don't have to deal with it is amazing.

vernacular, You summed up my family pretty well. Just your typical, middle class, white bred dysfunction, mixed around with a lot of love, a shared past, genetics, some guilt, some denial, blah, blah, blah.

I have no interest in fixing my sister. I tried to warm her, but I can't help her. She is VERY co-dependent-I have some traits, some tendencies, fall within that continuum, but she's a full blown clinically diagnosable (not technically of course since it's not a condition in the DMS) textbook case of a co-dependent in ANY relationship including with her children, with all the denial and passive aggression that goes along with it. You are right, not responsible for her. Plant seeds, that's all I can do. I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. Love her, don't trust her. Don't think I'll ever get anywhere with on this issue with her.

Regarding the OP, my plan would be just make it a last resort. If he ever escalated any further-went to that level 6 where he's slashing my tires and showing up at my work then I will have to get that OP, because if that happens after all this time hell is following after it. Not sure what you mean about my first line of defense, maybe you could elaborate there. I am a researcher, I have not just contemplated an OP, I have researched multiple empirical studies, talked to multiple DV groups. I have almost done it several times, but I have followed my gut (because statistically OPs work well for most people) and NOT went ahead with it. I'm just terrified of it. I have a context for this kind of potential violence as well. My bf's nephew, who had lived with us at one time decided to turn the electricity off at our house one night and when my bf went outside to check the box he stabbed him in the lungs and diaphragm, almost killing him. I take potential threats to my safety seriously. These things happen, even without a history of violence, or drug abuse, or some of the more typical risk factors. I know it all too well. But even before that happened I was scared of my abuser. I was scared of what he might do to me him if I ever divorced him years before I left-it was part of what kept me there. That is my gut. My gut says I have reason to fear. So you can't possible scare me more than I already am. I don't take this stuff lightly at all.

I do guilt real well. One of many things I'm working on. But just to clarify my earlier post, I do NOT feel guilty about asserting myself-the betrayal is not mine-it is my family's. THEY have betrayed ME in this deal, I feel. I am actually super-duper pissed off, and have been for years over this crap they do with my ex.

The most frustrating thing with them is I HAVE gone over every nasty detail. Not the first few years, I didn't even know I was being abused. But I got smarter and smarter, and took back more and more power, and decided it was unacceptable, the abuse, the continued harassment (at least that I didn't deserve it and it shouldn't be happening). I saw it for what it was at last.

At one point I started forwarding the emails and vms to my dad. I sent articles about abuse. I thought I was making headway, but then I'd find out they were still talking to him, or they'd make comments and I'd know they still thought I was minimizing his crap and it's effect on me. At one point when it was really, really bad I even told my dad, "If I end up dead you know who did it". I don't know how much more clear I can be at this point. I really felt at that point that he was taking me seriously. Although now I see he didn't, but at least he finally got that MY perception was that he was dangerous, and that what he was doing was harmful to me. But that was before he took him out for his birthday! When that happened I did everything you said other than the duct tape. I don't know what else I could possibility do this point-I really don't. OTHER than cut them out of my life. That's part of my problem, you see, I've gotten good at establishing boundaries, still not so good at enforcing them-especially when your whole support system is on the line. I have also told them that me and my bf and daughter ARE considering moving across the country (we're researching it) and they KNOW it's in no small part because of my ex. It really is well covered ground. And yet, with my sister (that incident happened two weeks ago) they wouldn't even tell about about what happened, they said "She can tell you about it." Like it's some shameful thing. They still don't get it. That as a family we have a right to talk about and get support for even the ugly things, even the embarrassing things, even our mistakes. It's like there has to be some way to spin it for them into something "positive" to be work talking about. I think I'm just gonna move to FL.