I get tired of being told I am to blame for sick people coming to my life. Many have worn fake colours and when the time was right for them the TRUE colours came out. Did I do that!?! NO not at all.

I was also told I am nice and friendly and that can be a problem too. No I don't think so. I agree with Hockeymom I am me and some really good people have graced my life and I have theirs as well. And some people have initiated a friendship or working relationship with me and then deceived me and or betrayed me all because they had a secret agenda. Some have set me up big time. Now I am told by the same people who saw it all and say I am not as friendly as I used to be. Being had does that to a person. That is the consequences of of betrayal, many people become suspects then. I don't blame myself for their deception though. I just left the relationship and never looked back.

But I learned a great deal about myself and the people who are not as they seem. I have big boundaries and trust my gut anytime over their words. People can lie like the dickens and but my gut instinct is always 100% right on. If it doesn't feel right............head for the hills and don't give another chance.

Most of my abusers have been women in the emotional abuse arena and for the physical abuse they have been male. I haven't had that many relationships in my life, however I did encounter losers who were fake as counterfeit money.

I hope I answered your question and offered some insight to your post Ilene.

Thanks Everyone,
Linda

Wow, yeah, thanks for sharing. Awareness is one thing, but I have not learned since ditching the abusive ex how to attract someone who's genuinely nice and not predatory. And I do tend to project my niceness onto people who are not nice at all. But the difference for me now is that, though I still slip in deep, I get myself OUT! Maybe there is hope to stop the self-destructive tendencies and be more aware, sooner. Let's hope for it!

Wow . . . . lotta wisdom here!

Thank you, everyone, for sharing
your thoughts.

(I personally want to be clear,
that I don't believe anyone is
attracted to predators or abusers.
I believe that predators and abusers
keep their agendas hidden under a
manipulative cloak of charm and
seduction, until we've been
reeled in. Once captured,
they feel safe to reveal their
predatory patterns.)

I think this is an age-old question.
I don't ever want to become
bitter, resentful and shut-off
and that may mean that I'll
continually be vulnerable
to slick predators and
covert abusers. That's
pretty scary. But neither
would I want to become
a reclusive hermit.

Ah well.

Practice self-care
and healthy boundaries
and do the best you can.

Thought I would add my insight and comments to this thread.

Beginning with what Ilene said "I'm a relatively nice person. . . even sweet,
a lot of the time".

That was me. But I am no longer that person anymore. Before I would be sweet and nice to everyone. Now I put on a professional face and stay polite and if "being sweet" to them erects a positive healthy response, I will interject it slowly.

Do I attract them?
Do I invite them to hurt me?
Do I allow them to hurt me?
Am I not taking care of myself?

The above questions are all "no". But why do we have these questions. Its simple. An abusive person abuses, period. It doesn't matter if you are a street person or the President. An abuser abuses, period.

I got hurt, because I didn't know any better. I stopped getting hurt when I educated myself to stop it.

I do believe that Predatory Programming in abusive people switches on when they spot their prey. They use the charm to gather all the information to create an aresanal to attack. Then they attack viciously.

I am no longer prey. I am fully camoflauged with knowledge to spot the predator. I have the proper tools now to watch the predator pass on by without so much as a peep from me.

Should he/she strike. I have weapons to defend myself.

Great thought-provolking post Ilene.

Thought I would add my insight and comments to this thread.

Beginning with what Ilene said "I'm a relatively nice person. . . even sweet,
a lot of the time".

That was me. But I am no longer that person anymore. Before I would be sweet and nice to everyone. Now I put on a professional face and stay polite and if "being sweet" to them erects a positive healthy response, I will interject it slowly.

Do I attract them?
Do I invite them to hurt me?
Do I allow them to hurt me?
Am I not taking care of myself?

The above questions are all "no". But why do we have these questions. Its simple. An abusive person abuses, period. It doesn't matter if you are a street person or the President. An abuser abuses, period.

I got hurt, because I didn't know any better. I stopped getting hurt when I educated myself to stop it.

I do believe that Predatory Programming in abusive people switches on when they spot their prey. They use the charm to gather all the information to create an aresanal to attack. Then they attack viciously.

I am no longer prey. I am fully camoflauged with knowledge to spot the predator. I have the proper tools now to watch the predator pass on by without so much as a peep from me.

Should he/she strike. I have weapons to defend myself.

Great thought-provolking post Ilene.

"Do I attract them?
Do I invite them to hurt me?
I've done a LOT of work
to make sure that I don't.
Do I allow them to hurt me?
Am I not taking care of myself?"

I don't think we necessarily attract people who will inevitably hurt us but I do think we are are ATTRACTED TO people who act and feel familiar to us. Probably on a subconscious level but still many of us survivors are still automatically responding out of the old programming ourselves, that being of trying to gain the love and approval of people who reject us in one way or another, usually through criticism or some type of abuse.
I don't think it's a matter of "inviting" someone to hurt us but it is a matter of ALLOWING IT . The first time they hurt us and we stay in the relationship or friendship and it happens again, we have allowed it to continue because ultimately no one can control what anyone else does or says but we can control how we respond.
Imo taking care of yourself is looking realistically at someone's behavior and how they treat you without attempting to rescue, save or change them. Accepting them for who they are and IF they have shown you once that they are a hurtful person, then not hanging around waiting for them to change.
Rarely, very rarely does an abuser manage to completely snow a target. There are signs along the way and many times it's just that we don't want to accept what we have been shown, so we attempt to excuse or justify or minimize or forgive bad hurtful behavior, anything but just accepting it for what it is and accepting the abuser as just that, an abuser.
So it's not just the abusers that have been programmed, so have survivors, especially survivors of childhood abuse. We are programmed to NOT see what is clearly and blatantly in our face and happening to us, and we are programmed to internalize guilt and take on the responsibility for the abusers behavior and feelings. We are not shown how to take care of ourselves, how to have self esteem, and what are appropriate boundaries or how to respond appropriately when ours are crossed.

I think so Ilene.
Nature v nurture here.
I firmly believe the way your parents bring you up moulds a big part of Thor personality.
However the predatory thing I can't give an opinion on.

I'm thinking now that an abuser would pick a sensitive soft person as opposed to feisty so they know they can control the whole thing. After all their inflated ego man's they need to be boss.
Mines was equal and still says we are equals though the nasty side always ends up coming out and I don't know if he is even aware of it.

I think I'm confusing muyself here. Just thought it was a post I'd like tocomment on.

To disagree Jenn, I think an abuser chooses whoever is convenient and willing and IF they manage to reel in a feisty target, all the better for them because that is more of a challenge to them.
Think hunters.... they don't get any charge out of taking down game in a pen or a corral, or even ones that re weakened or ill. They want their prey strong and resistent, like fishing for tarpon or wild and big game. I mean what hunter wants a trophy on their mantle of a small sickly little fish or of some sickly small animal. I think that too nice will eventually bore an abuser or worse, incite them and reacting like them, will excite them or keep them interested. So either way, being nice or being reactively abusive to an abuser, you will lose. Because ultimately a target will always remain a target in an abuser's eyes.

Learned I just read your reply. When you spk of childhood abuse, internalizing guilt, no self esteem. This rings a bell with me. I didn't think I was abused as it was all I knew. Now I know or think my parent/s abused m. Yet I still love them ! They've made me one messed up individual !!
I am educated and have ended up in this relationship where now Ive lost all my strength & wisdom. I'm in no position to answer here as I don't know what's going on in my own life. Or I'm in denial !
It has been interesting to read though and sparks dome things I learned whilst studying !

Jenn I think the purpose of posting here is to figure out what is really going on in our lives. I don't think a masters degree is required to post an opinion here. If it is then I'm in trouble too and in no postion to reply here either. ;)

Thanks learned. I think I hear what your saying. Quite simply an abuser is exactly that! and I actually did used to regard myself as a strong woman and now think I'm weak amongst other things in different days ! Here's to finding that strong person again !