And Thankyou to you all for the kind words on my last post .

I'm so sorry that this
is what's going on
in your family of
origin.

From where I sit,
your brother should
invite anyone he
wishes to invite.
If your father decides
not to come for whatever
reason, then that's his
choice.

But sadly, your brother
has been abused to the
point of not being able
to function as a healthy
adult.


Based on this sad
state of affairs, what
you decide to do is
up to you and your
wonderful man.

My inclination would
be ---- with your companion's
agreement ---- to attend the
wedding alone. That way,
you'd be showing connection
with your brother instead of
widening the rift between
you ----- that your brother
is creating by following the
dictates of your abusive
father. If you retain the
connection with your
brother, possibly down
the line, he will come
to an understanding
that you and your choices
are to be respected.


Another way to go would
be tell your brother that
you love him very much
but that since he feels
he can't invite you together
with your chosen companion,
then you wish him well
but sadly, you will not be attending.

Your father's dictates in
this matter serve to
perpetuate his own
disordered behavior
patterns. Your not
being at your brother's
wedding, or being there
without the person who
now shares your life,
will inject bitterness
and disharmony
where there was
none before, that
will likely continue
on and on, through
decades and generations.

What a tragedy for all.

I'm so sorry for what
you're going through.
Have either you or your
brother ever engaged
in counseling or therapy
with a clinician whose
specialty is recovery
from abuse? If not,
please consider looking
into doing that. It has
helped many of us.
(It has helped me.
I came from an
extremely dysfunctional
family of origin. I'm
still recovering.)

Thankyou for your reply. It was very nice. I feel I will not go to the wedding as my brother needs to see what my dad is doing and make a stand like myself. I have asked my brother to seat us away from my dad but my dad refuses this. He has made my brother make a choice. My dad has never met my man in the time I have been with him so cannot judge him. I feel this is directed at me and it has made me feel not good enough by my dad and an embarresment . My dad don't love me to put me through this. He should be happy I have found happiness. I have also been diagnosed with an ascending aorta at 4.9. . Am on medication for this and have been told by my doctor no stress . My man has supported me through this all the way and has been there for me. We both had a written invite for the wedding and was looking forward to it. Until my dad decided that my brother had to choose . I don't think this is fair of my dad. I have not confronted my dad as he is old and I wouldn't upset him like he has to me. I'm just going to stay away from him and concentrate on getting well. I had enough control when I was with my abusive ex husband . I can't deal with anymore from my dad.

Your brother should make a stand and refuse to choose between your dad and your boyfriend. If your dad is going to act like that then your brother should retract his invitation on the grounds that your dad is behaving inappropriately and such embarassing behavior is not welcome at a wedding.

Both of you should also probably go no contact with your dad until he cleans up his act and appologizes. Your dad is just trying to stir up trouble and assert control over others. Giving in to his demands will only make the problem worse.

Are you in the wedding party?

Do you have to travel far (to another city) to attend?

I'd probably split the difference. Go to the wedding. And either not go to the reception at all, or leave early.

You'll be all dressed up, so why not have your man pick you up from the wedding (wearing a tux) and go out to a nice dinner?

If everyone is staying at a hotel, there's no reason why you can't stay there too. Or stay at the same place as your kids and grands. Then you can all hang out together in the pool or something later. Something that you're Dad isn't invited too....

Or have the grands all over at your house?

IDK, think outside the box. Maybe you'll come up with something better?

needafriend, I am sorry your dad is doing this and that your brother isn't strong enough right now to make a stand.

After reading your reply # 3, my suggestion is to do whatever you need to do to take care of YOU.

Your health is way more important than anything else. IMHO, if you go, the stress of the abusive way this is being handled before the wedding is a strong indication that there would only be more to come.

There is no shame in preserving your life. Please take good care of you!

~healing hugs~

Thankyou all. I needed some opinions of this as I feel I'm not in the wrong here. My dad is in the wrong. I have decided not to go at all to the wedding. It's their loss. I love my brother very much and have always supported him. We have never fallen out before. He has chosen my dad now so that's his choice. If I go the wedding with my boyfriend my dad said he will walk out. So I won't go as I don't want to spoil my brothers special day. And if I let my dad win and go alone then my dad would win. My mum passed away 6 years ago and I've visited my dad twice a week to make sure he ok I have wanted him to love me all my life but now I give up. I've tried. It's my eldest brother that is getting married to someone he has been with for over 10 years. About a year ago they split up and she threw him out . He turned up on my door and I let him stay with me. I made him welcome . About a month later they got back together. And are now getting married a year on. My brother came to me when they separated . Not my dad. And we didn't dare tell my dad about it. He would have gone mad. So I supported my brother not my dad. And now my brother can't do the same and support me.

One more thing. I have a younger brother who is 40. Who still lives home with my dad. He has had a few girlfriends but has never moved out. Myself and my eldest brother get on well with him but he won't stand up to my dad either. The point I'm making here is that my youngest brother had a girlfriend that caused riots at my parents house when my Mam was alive and to cut a long story short . They split up and my mother banned her from the house. She and my brother didn't see each other for a few years but have now got back together . My dad has had her to the house and she is coming to the wedding with my youngest brother. My dad is happy with that. My mother as I said is no longer here .
What I can't understand is. She is coming with my youngest brother to the wedding with my dad. But I'm not allowed to take my boyfriend who I've been with nearly a year and a half that my dad refuses to even meet.

Oh brother (no pun intended) Need, what a sad situation. First I want to comment that you sound great. You've come back from a horrible situation in good time, and just sound so strong and well-grounded. Congrats! You did the hard work, and came out beautifully. I hope others in the midst of an abusive relationship take the time to read your posts from a few years ago and see for themselves the tremendous progress that can made if they make up their minds to leave.

While terribly sad, I think not going to the wedding is what I would do as well. Your younger bro is welcome to bring his once-crazed ex with no questions asked. Please. You are right to protect your own health and well-being. Perhaps you and your friend can take your brother and his new wife out for a celebration after the wedding....just the 4 of you.

I know it must be extremely hurtful the way your dad is behaving. I've got one of those as well, my mother. And my dad passed away many years ago. I believe you know how to best proceed. And, whatever the reasons your dad has, always remember this is HIS problem, not yours. But you know that already.

Sorry you are experiencing this family drama and sorry you will miss the wedding. XOXO

Thankyou yes . I have come a long way from when I first joined this site. I was in a right state. But I left my abusive partner after a long time of actually trying to do it. I look back on that now and feel proud that I did it and came through it . I had lots of friends on here and a few that wasn't very nice. I am a good person with a good kind heart and I hurt easy. After divorcing my ex husband and getting a restraining order . My life has got better. Apart from my dad now and all this he has caused . Plus my heart problem. One life we have and I've learned not to let anyone control you. You are a person in your own right and nobody has the right to rule your life. Move forward not back and be strong, you can all do it.
It hurts me that my dad can't be the dad I deserve. He is old now but he has been this way all my life and I have craved the love I didn't get from my dad in the wrong people until now.

Sounds like you've found a solution that you're comfortable with.

Stuff like this is why I got married in Jamaica.

Your father is ill. He has abused you and your brother and he is still doing it. Don't judge your brother too harshly if he does not do "the right thing." We each have to heal our childhood wounds on our own time frame. I agree with you that he should stand up to your dad. But he may not be able or ready to do what he 'should.'

Good luck. Enjoy your good man. Limit interaction with your dad. Pray that when your brother becomes a father that the cycle of abuse doesn't continue.

I'm glad you've had enough. Good for you!

I'm determined not to go at all. My brother already has a 25 yr old son from his previous marriage and my dad banned him from the house 6 years ago because he didn't make my mothers funeral. He has never forgiven him.

Your dad sounds like the type of abuser who will chalk up you not attending as a win for himself. If you and your viyfriend WERE to attend your dad would likely interpret it as a serious slight against him and look for ways to punish those around him that he feels are connected in any way to him being slighted. There is no winning in this type of situation.

He is the type of toxic individual you should keep out of your life. As a narcissist he will only ever have the capacity to love or care about one person: himself. Trying to win over any affection or praise from such a person never going to yield anything good.


Also, be prepared for your dad to lash out at you regardless of what you decide to do. He is trying to stir something up by saying you can't take your boyfriend to the wedding. My guess is he would try to start something and ruin your time if you attended the wedding without your boyfriend. However, if you don't attend your dad may try using that against you as well and try to stir up troubke after the wedding.

It is probably best that you just go no contact with your dad from now on. Otherwise he will just continue to abuse you and create drama.

This isn't about him getting his way. When dealing with an abuser, it's always a win (abuser) / lose (source) scenario. Those who said that no matter what you do, you're dad is going to lash out against you, are right on the money. IMHO, your health is not worth the risk.

Take good care of you!!!