Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Yesterday my mom barked at me. She asked me if we had anymore sponges for the dryer. I went and got a clothes basket to help look. I brought the basket but no sponge. My mom asked me were there clothes in the basket or something else. I said clothes. My mom said no I thought they were puppies. She then kept asking me the same question and I kept saying there were clothes In the basket unfolded. She then said gosh I hate trying to have a conversation with you. I left and she kept griping as I walked upstairs. Can anyone comprehend what happened?
Instead of being direct and polite with you, she was awkward, sarcastic, and hurtful. My guess is that she didn't get what she wanted straight away (sponges) so she vented her selfish anger on you.
NONE of what she does is ever because of you. You are innocent.
I'm so sorry again, my darling. That must really have hurt you :( Hugs xxx
Something I learned being married to an alcoholic is that you are not dealing w/that person, you're dealing w/the alcohol/drug. It has taken over their brain and they will talk in circles, lie, have mood swings, make no sense, be mean & hurtful, manipulative, cause confusion & send mixed messages. And they are always minimizing their actions and the hurt they cause and maximizing & condemning the actions of others.
Alcoholics drink to escape and dull the pain their are in. As things progress, they drink to feel 'normal.' But what happens is they just get sicker and sicker and act crazier and crazier. They are in total denial when to comes to how much they drink, how they act and how they affect other people. In addition, when a person first starts drinking to dull the pain or escape something, it works quite well. As time goes on, it actually makes things worse and causes, among many other things, depression.
Most sad of all is that they get to the point where they put alcohol/drugs above everything and everyone else.
If you have access to a library where you can read there (and not have to bring the book home), see if they have the book, Loosening The Grip, A Handbook of Alcohol Information. It's by Kinney & Leaton. It's hard to find a copy and really expensive to buy, but if you can find a copy in your local library, it will really help explain what you are living with.
I know this is a hard thing to ask, but try and see your mom as someone who is very very sick and needs a great deal of medical and psychological help. That is something you cannot provide for her or force her to get. What you can do is each time she is mean/hurtful toward you is to tell yourself what she says or does is not a reflection of you! And, it's not personal. I admit, it's a whole lot easier to make this suggestion that it is to actually do it. That's because when we are inside of such a toxic environment, it's really hard to be healthy. All we can really do is whatever it takes to survive until we can get out. I lived thru this for decades and it really takes a toll and its really hard to not take it personally and not want to help them!!!
Until you can safely get some counseling, do as much research as you can SAFELY about how alcohol affects people - not just those who drink it, but those who live with an alcoholic. There are online alateen and alanon groups as well as ACOA (adult children of alcoholics). Just google "online alateen" and "online acoa" and then you can check out some groups to see if they feel right for you.
Again, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. You deserve so much better.
"I hate doing laundry and am upset that I am having to do it right now. So I am going to get my daughter involved, and ask her a confusing question in order to take out my frustration on her rather than solve the problem myself or state what I really want." I think what she really wanted was for you to fold and put away the laundry. But rather than say that, she used sarcasm and passive aggressive tactics to abuse you.
That's a typical abuse pattern. The abuser feels anger or frustration. Their brain is wired such that they would rather blame others than solve their own problem. But, because their problem is internal, nothing external can solve it. So, they ask trapping questions or make demands that are impossible to answer the right way, because it's impossible for you (an external thing) to solve their internal problem. They get more frustrated. And you feel at fault and hurt for not being able to solve their issue. You are blamed.
This is why many addicts use. They have internal issues and problems they want to solve. They can't meet their own needs, so they turn to alcohol or drugs as a means of alleviating their pain. They don't understand their issues are internal, so they are always looking for external fixes. That means they drink, use, or blame others. to them it's never their fault.
When this happens again (and it will) having knowledge that it's not your fault and there is nothing you can do to satisfy her will help. Also, if you recognize you can't help her, you can learn to do what is reasonable, and refuse to engage in a situation where you can't win.
Where did I get my sponge interpretation from?? Losing it after all these years of mind games, sorry... :$
I work, she does not. She's home all day. I come home and the sink is full of dirty dishes. When I come home, she is hungry and wants to go out to eat. After going out to eat, she wants me to watch TV with her. As a result, the dishes don't get washed. The next morning, I get something to drink, and set the glass down on the counter. She wakes up, and sees the dirty glass on the counter.
She then remarks in an agitated voice, "why is this glass on the counter?" (a question where the answer is obvious - I left it there, and really for no reason other than to set is somewhere)
So I reply, "Sorry, I just set it down."
And she replies, "I wish you would work to keep the counters clear because seeing the clutter makes me in a bad mood."
Here's the truth: She's already in a bad mood, and the glass being left on the counter had nothing to do with it. She's in a bad mood because she knows she was home all day and the sink full of dishes is her responsibility. But rather than motivating herself to solve that problem, she blames me leaving the glass out for her bad mood. She wants the kitchen to be clean, but she doesn't want to do it. So in her mind, she makes an excuse that the reason she doesn't want to do the dishes is because I left a glass out on the counter.
I think this is exactly what your mom is doing. She doesn't want to do the laundry, and doesn't know why. So rather than just solving her own problem, she makes an excuse why it is your fault that she doesn't want to do laundry. her excuses : there are no more sponges, so she puts you in an impossible to solve situation. To her, it's your fault there are no more sponges, and her bad attitude toward laundry must be because you haven't emptied out the clothes basket. Classic case of blaming another for their own internal problem.
Many people describe addicts and abusers of having the emotional maturity of children. And I think this is exactly true. Their way of dealing with others is very similar to the way a typical 5-10 year old does.
Alcohol/drugs creates an added dimension to bause. While not all abusers are addicts/alcoholics, most, if not all, addicts/alcoholics are abusers.
It was explained to me by the interventionists & many other experts & therapists that alcohol/drug is only 10% of the problem. The behavior is 90%. HOWEVER, it's impossible to address the 90% behavior until the 10% (using alcohol/drugs) is stopped completely and for good.
What happened is
that you were talking
to a totally dysfunctional
person and you
ended up
being abused.
Stop trying to
"have a conversation"
with her.
It's not possible
and you will
always end up
being abused.
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
Instead of being a person who wants to work with you, she will take her own emotions out on you in ways you will not be able to understand.
She is very damaged, sweetheart. She doesn't think in the same way as you or I. That's why she can't explain things patiently and normally to you. She has been emotionally damaged herself to the point where she just can't relate to you (or anyone else) consistently.
We are saying it's better to stay away from her as much as you can, and whenever she says something you don't understand, do what MyTrueColors said and tell yourself that she is very very sick and that you can't get through to her only because of that.
Big hugs... keep talking here. You'll be okay one day soon, love xxx
Notmyself is a wonderful lady, and I am so glad she is helping you!
Your epilepsy is NOT responsible for your relationship with your mother. You are the child, and no matter what condition you had, your parents should have taken care of you and not used that condition as an excuse to abuse you. You could not help being sick, and you deserved and always will deserve love and care from them. It's awful that they didn't give it... but that is not in ANY way because of you or your medical conditions, okay?
I didn't really have a mother either, and so didn't quite a few friends on here. Mine didn't drink, but she was nice/nasty in many of the ways you describe your own mother being. It was horrible. I used to go to my friends' houses and be surprised and bewildered at how their mothers behaved to them (normally).
I can understand how much you want a mother. If you can find a counsellor to talk with too, it will help a lot. There are things we can do after abuse to help re-parent ourselves after not having had proper loving and caring parenting from our actual parents. A counsellor might be able to tell you more about that.
I'm just so sorry you are in this situation :( Massive hugs to you darling, and you can talk as much as you want on here! xxx