Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So much has been going on lately at home. My husband and I have had a few instances/episodes and have talked endlessly even after Ive asked him to give me space. Ive even noticed something in our daughter, something she said to me, that made me realize she is being affected and influenced by husbands manipulative behavior towards me - and that hit home very hard for me - almost like a wake up call. Bad enough he's treating me like this, but our daughter is picking up on it.
So Ive barely slept in the last 2 weeks. Ive called an attorney and have an appt tomorrow. Ive been gathering all financial info to bring with me to discuss my options. Husband is NOT aware of this. However, I went thru another lengthy explanation of the last 12 years of events and behaviors that have led us to where we are now and he kept saying how he's trying, went for 2 IC sessions so far, and finally told his mom (we're going through a bump right now) and asked if we can do MC again. He said he felt it would help us get back connected in our marriage if we also do MC while we're each doing IC.
I am exhausted. My family and friends are holding me up and encouraging me to stay the course. Reminding me how we've tried MC 2 years ago and then again for a few months last fall. Ive forgiven, given dozens of chances, and history keeps repeating itself.
Thing is, husband and I have discussed gifts for the girls last night and today and the convo has been calm and normal. I'm sitting here, trying to work, and I keep thinking, what is happening here? I'm going to talk to a divorce attorney tomorrow. Am I going to file? Am I going to be a divorced single mom of 2 little girls?
I do not want this! But I seriously don't see my marriage to my husband anymore as a happy way of life that I once thought it was.
This is so hard. So sad. I feel so lost.
So Ive barely slept in the last 2 weeks. Ive called an attorney and have an appt tomorrow. Ive been gathering all financial info to bring with me to discuss my options. Husband is NOT aware of this. However, I went thru another lengthy explanation of the last 12 years of events and behaviors that have led us to where we are now and he kept saying how he's trying, went for 2 IC sessions so far, and finally told his mom (we're going through a bump right now) and asked if we can do MC again. He said he felt it would help us get back connected in our marriage if we also do MC while we're each doing IC.
I am exhausted. My family and friends are holding me up and encouraging me to stay the course. Reminding me how we've tried MC 2 years ago and then again for a few months last fall. Ive forgiven, given dozens of chances, and history keeps repeating itself.
Thing is, husband and I have discussed gifts for the girls last night and today and the convo has been calm and normal. I'm sitting here, trying to work, and I keep thinking, what is happening here? I'm going to talk to a divorce attorney tomorrow. Am I going to file? Am I going to be a divorced single mom of 2 little girls?
I do not want this! But I seriously don't see my marriage to my husband anymore as a happy way of life that I once thought it was.
This is so hard. So sad. I feel so lost.
Day - I've waffled with those thoughts too. I do most of the child rearing anyway. I figure he's in his own world most of the time. So if I stayed, I'd have the financial security. But, I could never love him the way I used to. I can't ever imagine being intimate with him again. And then I think, do I want that? A loveless marriage? I have so much love to give and I want to have a partner.
And more importantly I do not want my girls growing up thinking this is normal, healthy and fulfilling. I don't want my girls to ever settle and I don't ever want then to feel I stayed in a loveless, unhealthy marriage, for them. I wouldn't want them living with that.
I know what my gut is telling me to do. I guess my mind has to catch up. I am keeping that appt tomorrow. And once again my sister will be right there by my side like she was last year and has been through this whole ordeal. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my family and friends (including DS) support.
Abuse tends to either kick in or escalate when the "hooks" get stronger. So significant events like moving in together, getting engaged, married, pregnant etc. In your case, he may have felt that having the farm was a strong enough hook, that you'd never walk away from your dream. And so that's when he could let the mask slip and his true self show.
Abusers have been known to hold up the mask for years before they feel their victim is hooked enough to show their true colours. In the meantime, there are red flags, but they explained away, minimised or ignored.
It is excruciating....those moments where you feel like you just got rear ended when the realization hits you. I too have those moments. Divorce. What? Me? Even as I type that I feel like a high schooler with the mentality "that will never happen to ME!" How did this happen??
As I see it when you realize the abuse that's been happening there's a tornado that just came through the file cabinet in your mind and papers are just strewn everywhere and you are looking at the mess and wondering how you are ever going to sort it all out. The someone is blaring a radio and the phone's ringing and through it all you're sitting there in the middle of your pile trying to sort....
Sometimes you don't even want to...you want to close the door and just go to another room but this is your mind. There is no other room.
As I've thought about your post I think about what has helped give me some peace of mind that i'm moving in the right direction. The abuser creates chaos. You can never catch up with what's going on and half the time don't even know what he's talking about. So in this chaos what we need is clarity. Something concrete. Abusers are often vague, leaving themselves an out so they can't be held accountable. So.....what has helped me is the line of thinking that Leslie (counselor) has helped me to clarify. It's asking specific questions and making specific requests that you can "test" your spouse with. For example you say that xxxxx is really important to you. Will he take care of this for you? If he doesn't then you ask him about it. Asking questions like "what do you think it would take for us to have a healthy marriage?" His answer will be quite revealing.
I'm getting tired so I hope that makes sense. I just sense that if you had something more concrete it would help you feel more solid in your decisions. I don't think it is possible to feel no doubt and uncertainty but I still believe we should strive for a general sense of peace about our decisions. If for no other reason to help us have firm ground to stand on when they try to manipulate us into staying or that they have changed.
I need to prepare myself for that. I suppose it would be best of the girls weren't home. And I would tell my family and close friends when I plan to do it so they are close by.
It seems like everyday that I have my nights to myself and he stays downstairs, I am more relaxed and I could actually see myself no longer married to him.
I wish my dad were here. i don't have many male role models left in my life - my dad, 2 very close uncles - have all passed away. It's a lot of women left in my family. We are strong though. I know my dad is up there looking down on me and hurting so much seeing me go through this. I know he wants whats best for me and his 2 little granddaughters he never had the chance to meet.
Im meeting today with the attorney. I hope he can look through my financials and tell me I can do this and it'll work out ok.