Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi
This is my first post, not sure where to start. This is so hard because the last 2 weeks have been unbearable. I hope I don't offend anyone.
I have been with my husband for 22 years, married for 17. We have 2 children, 8 and 2. We've always had what I felt was the perfect marriage. We had much in common in how we were raised, we got along well, always had each others backs and loved each other. Over the last few years, things have become strained. He had job problems which caused a bit of a financial burden but I took on a few side jobs in addition to my f/t job to help out and always supported him emotionally. However, during this time, he became depressed, and withdrawn and I stepped up again and handled the responsibilities with our children, kept the house together, and still encouraged him to go to counseling, and found a life coach for him and suggested he do some soul searching and change careers. He was not receptive. He never went for counseling nor did he see the life coach.
This is extremely hard for me to admit, but there was a friend whom I started talking to. He was unhappy in his marriage and we commiserated. After a few months I had an affair. It was my first ever and very out of character for me. I was sick about my choices and behavior. I started doing a lot of reading to try and figure out how I could have made that choice. I felt guilty, ashamed, horrible for breaking my vows and hated who I was becoming.
During this time I was reading up on different behaviors and trying to find reasons why I made the choices I did. I realized I'd changed. I had virtually no self esteem left and found comfort and understanding thru my friend.
I also started looking into relationships and tried to figure out where our marriage started going so wrong. I saw my faults and how i had changed and came to see how my husband was passive aggressive and I contributed to his behaviors by withdrawing more. I would avoid saying or doing things that would set him off.
Over the last few weeks it was suggested that my husband is exhibiting verbally abusive behavior. My family has said for many years that he is controlling towards me and I never really saw it or refused to see it? I seemed to feel confused about it. It was suggested I read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I'm a few days into it and am shocked and so sad that this has been my life for what I can figure, about the last 10 years or so. I feel completely lost.
Last year, I urged my husband to go to MC, and he finally agreed. It helped us with the fluff issues - which I tried to explain were the things we were both doing as a result to the bad place we're in right now. But I felt we had to dig deeper to find out what brought us to this place. He stopped MC and after a few months I urged him again because things were not getting better. Whenever I tried to discuss my feelings and our marriage he would get angry and twist things I said. He would never seem to understand how I felt he was controlling and being angry at me and asked for examples. So I would tell him of things that he did that upset me and he would get angry and say that was in the past - last week or last month. He'd get angry and say I can't hold a grudge, marriages have their ups and downs. I never held a grudge. But he asked me for examples and I was just telling him. By the end of our discussions, I would feel like I was crazy and he would apologize and say he won't do that again. This went on and on. Last week I finally said we need to talk. I was better prepared for his reactions since I've been reading that book. Every time he tried to twist my words or tell me I over analyze things, hold grudges, etc I held strong and continued with my thoughts. I told him how I feel like an empty shell. My self esteem has eroded, I second guess myself, I'm very unhappy and feel completed disconnected from him. He seemed shocked. And yet I reminded him of all the times Ive tried to explain myself over the last few years and he shot me down. I reminded him how I asked him twice for a separation over the last year because all we were doing was fighting and it was completely exhausting and not healthy for our children. I felt he couldn't possibly be shocked or surprised at what I was telling him.
He asked if I wanted to try and work things out. I hesitated because I said I have been trying. But it's exhausting that you apologize and repeat the same behavior the very next time an issue arises. I took ownership of my part in the deterioration of our marriage. The way I would say yes I was ok with something just to avoid an arguement with him.
The last few days here have been so sad. I'm completely disconnected. I feel nothing for him. I do still care about him and I'm gutted for our 2 little children. But he said to me - are you just going to walk away and throw away 22 years? I feel horrible. I said no. But let him know how leery I am that things will change. He admitted he has to change the way he reacts to things - but he's said that to me many times before. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.
How do you know if things can be fixed? I am so drained. I want to be married to a partner. I look at him and feel like he's a stranger to me now. I can't explain it. I want to keep our family together but I am so unhappy.
I know I made a huge mistake having an affair. That was not the answer. I wish I had continued trying to talk to my husband because the affair just was an escape for me. I realize that now. I hope that I am not judged too harshly because of my choice. I am just so sad and confused right now. I'm putting the affair behind me and thinking I should give things another chance since my husband says he gets it now. But I'm confused because he won't go for IC. I know he has low self esteem because of the way his father treated him. He was a good man but never encouraged my husband to take chances. He was a very negative person and I know that shaped my husband to be the person he is.
I feel this post is a bit jumbled. I hope it makes sense. Thanks for reading and I'd really appreciate any advice I can get.
This is my first post, not sure where to start. This is so hard because the last 2 weeks have been unbearable. I hope I don't offend anyone.
I have been with my husband for 22 years, married for 17. We have 2 children, 8 and 2. We've always had what I felt was the perfect marriage. We had much in common in how we were raised, we got along well, always had each others backs and loved each other. Over the last few years, things have become strained. He had job problems which caused a bit of a financial burden but I took on a few side jobs in addition to my f/t job to help out and always supported him emotionally. However, during this time, he became depressed, and withdrawn and I stepped up again and handled the responsibilities with our children, kept the house together, and still encouraged him to go to counseling, and found a life coach for him and suggested he do some soul searching and change careers. He was not receptive. He never went for counseling nor did he see the life coach.
This is extremely hard for me to admit, but there was a friend whom I started talking to. He was unhappy in his marriage and we commiserated. After a few months I had an affair. It was my first ever and very out of character for me. I was sick about my choices and behavior. I started doing a lot of reading to try and figure out how I could have made that choice. I felt guilty, ashamed, horrible for breaking my vows and hated who I was becoming.
During this time I was reading up on different behaviors and trying to find reasons why I made the choices I did. I realized I'd changed. I had virtually no self esteem left and found comfort and understanding thru my friend.
I also started looking into relationships and tried to figure out where our marriage started going so wrong. I saw my faults and how i had changed and came to see how my husband was passive aggressive and I contributed to his behaviors by withdrawing more. I would avoid saying or doing things that would set him off.
Over the last few weeks it was suggested that my husband is exhibiting verbally abusive behavior. My family has said for many years that he is controlling towards me and I never really saw it or refused to see it? I seemed to feel confused about it. It was suggested I read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I'm a few days into it and am shocked and so sad that this has been my life for what I can figure, about the last 10 years or so. I feel completely lost.
Last year, I urged my husband to go to MC, and he finally agreed. It helped us with the fluff issues - which I tried to explain were the things we were both doing as a result to the bad place we're in right now. But I felt we had to dig deeper to find out what brought us to this place. He stopped MC and after a few months I urged him again because things were not getting better. Whenever I tried to discuss my feelings and our marriage he would get angry and twist things I said. He would never seem to understand how I felt he was controlling and being angry at me and asked for examples. So I would tell him of things that he did that upset me and he would get angry and say that was in the past - last week or last month. He'd get angry and say I can't hold a grudge, marriages have their ups and downs. I never held a grudge. But he asked me for examples and I was just telling him. By the end of our discussions, I would feel like I was crazy and he would apologize and say he won't do that again. This went on and on. Last week I finally said we need to talk. I was better prepared for his reactions since I've been reading that book. Every time he tried to twist my words or tell me I over analyze things, hold grudges, etc I held strong and continued with my thoughts. I told him how I feel like an empty shell. My self esteem has eroded, I second guess myself, I'm very unhappy and feel completed disconnected from him. He seemed shocked. And yet I reminded him of all the times Ive tried to explain myself over the last few years and he shot me down. I reminded him how I asked him twice for a separation over the last year because all we were doing was fighting and it was completely exhausting and not healthy for our children. I felt he couldn't possibly be shocked or surprised at what I was telling him.
He asked if I wanted to try and work things out. I hesitated because I said I have been trying. But it's exhausting that you apologize and repeat the same behavior the very next time an issue arises. I took ownership of my part in the deterioration of our marriage. The way I would say yes I was ok with something just to avoid an arguement with him.
The last few days here have been so sad. I'm completely disconnected. I feel nothing for him. I do still care about him and I'm gutted for our 2 little children. But he said to me - are you just going to walk away and throw away 22 years? I feel horrible. I said no. But let him know how leery I am that things will change. He admitted he has to change the way he reacts to things - but he's said that to me many times before. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.
How do you know if things can be fixed? I am so drained. I want to be married to a partner. I look at him and feel like he's a stranger to me now. I can't explain it. I want to keep our family together but I am so unhappy.
I know I made a huge mistake having an affair. That was not the answer. I wish I had continued trying to talk to my husband because the affair just was an escape for me. I realize that now. I hope that I am not judged too harshly because of my choice. I am just so sad and confused right now. I'm putting the affair behind me and thinking I should give things another chance since my husband says he gets it now. But I'm confused because he won't go for IC. I know he has low self esteem because of the way his father treated him. He was a good man but never encouraged my husband to take chances. He was a very negative person and I know that shaped my husband to be the person he is.
I feel this post is a bit jumbled. I hope it makes sense. Thanks for reading and I'd really appreciate any advice I can get.
ecotime47
How are things going for you?
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