Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi
This is my first post, not sure where to start. This is so hard because the last 2 weeks have been unbearable. I hope I don't offend anyone.
I have been with my husband for 22 years, married for 17. We have 2 children, 8 and 2. We've always had what I felt was the perfect marriage. We had much in common in how we were raised, we got along well, always had each others backs and loved each other. Over the last few years, things have become strained. He had job problems which caused a bit of a financial burden but I took on a few side jobs in addition to my f/t job to help out and always supported him emotionally. However, during this time, he became depressed, and withdrawn and I stepped up again and handled the responsibilities with our children, kept the house together, and still encouraged him to go to counseling, and found a life coach for him and suggested he do some soul searching and change careers. He was not receptive. He never went for counseling nor did he see the life coach.
This is extremely hard for me to admit, but there was a friend whom I started talking to. He was unhappy in his marriage and we commiserated. After a few months I had an affair. It was my first ever and very out of character for me. I was sick about my choices and behavior. I started doing a lot of reading to try and figure out how I could have made that choice. I felt guilty, ashamed, horrible for breaking my vows and hated who I was becoming.
During this time I was reading up on different behaviors and trying to find reasons why I made the choices I did. I realized I'd changed. I had virtually no self esteem left and found comfort and understanding thru my friend.
I also started looking into relationships and tried to figure out where our marriage started going so wrong. I saw my faults and how i had changed and came to see how my husband was passive aggressive and I contributed to his behaviors by withdrawing more. I would avoid saying or doing things that would set him off.
Over the last few weeks it was suggested that my husband is exhibiting verbally abusive behavior. My family has said for many years that he is controlling towards me and I never really saw it or refused to see it? I seemed to feel confused about it. It was suggested I read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I'm a few days into it and am shocked and so sad that this has been my life for what I can figure, about the last 10 years or so. I feel completely lost.
Last year, I urged my husband to go to MC, and he finally agreed. It helped us with the fluff issues - which I tried to explain were the things we were both doing as a result to the bad place we're in right now. But I felt we had to dig deeper to find out what brought us to this place. He stopped MC and after a few months I urged him again because things were not getting better. Whenever I tried to discuss my feelings and our marriage he would get angry and twist things I said. He would never seem to understand how I felt he was controlling and being angry at me and asked for examples. So I would tell him of things that he did that upset me and he would get angry and say that was in the past - last week or last month. He'd get angry and say I can't hold a grudge, marriages have their ups and downs. I never held a grudge. But he asked me for examples and I was just telling him. By the end of our discussions, I would feel like I was crazy and he would apologize and say he won't do that again. This went on and on. Last week I finally said we need to talk. I was better prepared for his reactions since I've been reading that book. Every time he tried to twist my words or tell me I over analyze things, hold grudges, etc I held strong and continued with my thoughts. I told him how I feel like an empty shell. My self esteem has eroded, I second guess myself, I'm very unhappy and feel completed disconnected from him. He seemed shocked. And yet I reminded him of all the times Ive tried to explain myself over the last few years and he shot me down. I reminded him how I asked him twice for a separation over the last year because all we were doing was fighting and it was completely exhausting and not healthy for our children. I felt he couldn't possibly be shocked or surprised at what I was telling him.
He asked if I wanted to try and work things out. I hesitated because I said I have been trying. But it's exhausting that you apologize and repeat the same behavior the very next time an issue arises. I took ownership of my part in the deterioration of our marriage. The way I would say yes I was ok with something just to avoid an arguement with him.
The last few days here have been so sad. I'm completely disconnected. I feel nothing for him. I do still care about him and I'm gutted for our 2 little children. But he said to me - are you just going to walk away and throw away 22 years? I feel horrible. I said no. But let him know how leery I am that things will change. He admitted he has to change the way he reacts to things - but he's said that to me many times before. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.
How do you know if things can be fixed? I am so drained. I want to be married to a partner. I look at him and feel like he's a stranger to me now. I can't explain it. I want to keep our family together but I am so unhappy.
I know I made a huge mistake having an affair. That was not the answer. I wish I had continued trying to talk to my husband because the affair just was an escape for me. I realize that now. I hope that I am not judged too harshly because of my choice. I am just so sad and confused right now. I'm putting the affair behind me and thinking I should give things another chance since my husband says he gets it now. But I'm confused because he won't go for IC. I know he has low self esteem because of the way his father treated him. He was a good man but never encouraged my husband to take chances. He was a very negative person and I know that shaped my husband to be the person he is.
I feel this post is a bit jumbled. I hope it makes sense. Thanks for reading and I'd really appreciate any advice I can get.
This is my first post, not sure where to start. This is so hard because the last 2 weeks have been unbearable. I hope I don't offend anyone.
I have been with my husband for 22 years, married for 17. We have 2 children, 8 and 2. We've always had what I felt was the perfect marriage. We had much in common in how we were raised, we got along well, always had each others backs and loved each other. Over the last few years, things have become strained. He had job problems which caused a bit of a financial burden but I took on a few side jobs in addition to my f/t job to help out and always supported him emotionally. However, during this time, he became depressed, and withdrawn and I stepped up again and handled the responsibilities with our children, kept the house together, and still encouraged him to go to counseling, and found a life coach for him and suggested he do some soul searching and change careers. He was not receptive. He never went for counseling nor did he see the life coach.
This is extremely hard for me to admit, but there was a friend whom I started talking to. He was unhappy in his marriage and we commiserated. After a few months I had an affair. It was my first ever and very out of character for me. I was sick about my choices and behavior. I started doing a lot of reading to try and figure out how I could have made that choice. I felt guilty, ashamed, horrible for breaking my vows and hated who I was becoming.
During this time I was reading up on different behaviors and trying to find reasons why I made the choices I did. I realized I'd changed. I had virtually no self esteem left and found comfort and understanding thru my friend.
I also started looking into relationships and tried to figure out where our marriage started going so wrong. I saw my faults and how i had changed and came to see how my husband was passive aggressive and I contributed to his behaviors by withdrawing more. I would avoid saying or doing things that would set him off.
Over the last few weeks it was suggested that my husband is exhibiting verbally abusive behavior. My family has said for many years that he is controlling towards me and I never really saw it or refused to see it? I seemed to feel confused about it. It was suggested I read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans. I'm a few days into it and am shocked and so sad that this has been my life for what I can figure, about the last 10 years or so. I feel completely lost.
Last year, I urged my husband to go to MC, and he finally agreed. It helped us with the fluff issues - which I tried to explain were the things we were both doing as a result to the bad place we're in right now. But I felt we had to dig deeper to find out what brought us to this place. He stopped MC and after a few months I urged him again because things were not getting better. Whenever I tried to discuss my feelings and our marriage he would get angry and twist things I said. He would never seem to understand how I felt he was controlling and being angry at me and asked for examples. So I would tell him of things that he did that upset me and he would get angry and say that was in the past - last week or last month. He'd get angry and say I can't hold a grudge, marriages have their ups and downs. I never held a grudge. But he asked me for examples and I was just telling him. By the end of our discussions, I would feel like I was crazy and he would apologize and say he won't do that again. This went on and on. Last week I finally said we need to talk. I was better prepared for his reactions since I've been reading that book. Every time he tried to twist my words or tell me I over analyze things, hold grudges, etc I held strong and continued with my thoughts. I told him how I feel like an empty shell. My self esteem has eroded, I second guess myself, I'm very unhappy and feel completed disconnected from him. He seemed shocked. And yet I reminded him of all the times Ive tried to explain myself over the last few years and he shot me down. I reminded him how I asked him twice for a separation over the last year because all we were doing was fighting and it was completely exhausting and not healthy for our children. I felt he couldn't possibly be shocked or surprised at what I was telling him.
He asked if I wanted to try and work things out. I hesitated because I said I have been trying. But it's exhausting that you apologize and repeat the same behavior the very next time an issue arises. I took ownership of my part in the deterioration of our marriage. The way I would say yes I was ok with something just to avoid an arguement with him.
The last few days here have been so sad. I'm completely disconnected. I feel nothing for him. I do still care about him and I'm gutted for our 2 little children. But he said to me - are you just going to walk away and throw away 22 years? I feel horrible. I said no. But let him know how leery I am that things will change. He admitted he has to change the way he reacts to things - but he's said that to me many times before. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.
How do you know if things can be fixed? I am so drained. I want to be married to a partner. I look at him and feel like he's a stranger to me now. I can't explain it. I want to keep our family together but I am so unhappy.
I know I made a huge mistake having an affair. That was not the answer. I wish I had continued trying to talk to my husband because the affair just was an escape for me. I realize that now. I hope that I am not judged too harshly because of my choice. I am just so sad and confused right now. I'm putting the affair behind me and thinking I should give things another chance since my husband says he gets it now. But I'm confused because he won't go for IC. I know he has low self esteem because of the way his father treated him. He was a good man but never encouraged my husband to take chances. He was a very negative person and I know that shaped my husband to be the person he is.
I feel this post is a bit jumbled. I hope it makes sense. Thanks for reading and I'd really appreciate any advice I can get.
I wrote a few response and erased them.... it is hard when trying to figure out abuse. I am too stuck in my own rut right now to give good suggestions or comments... for now I will leave that to someone who has themselves more together at the moment, but I wanted to say welcome and we do care!
I too write and rewrite my words because I feel like its not coming out right. I'm just so confused. I'm sorry you're in a bad place. I appreciate your kind words.
Firstly, I want to echo what the others have said - you are welcome here, this is not a place of judgment but of support.. Personally, I do not condone cheating, but I do completely understand why it happens when someone is starved of affection, validation and respect. Pretty much all of us have chosen, at one time or another, a poor coping mechanism. So please don't beat yourself up - it was wrong, it was a mistake, but it was understandable.
Another point I wanted to make was that confusion is a hallmark of abuse. It's almost a dead giveaway - if someone is regularly or chronically confused about themselves, their relationship, who they are, it's almost a good be they are being abused. As is a feeling that they can't say no, can't raise anything, just need to "keep the peace" and walk on eggshells.
Do please keep reading and posting. There is a great deal of support and understanding here.
This is a community
that supports those
who come here. In
my experience, no
one will judge you.
It's his choice if he
won't go to individual
counseling. And if
he's unwilling to engage
in individual counseling
it's unlikely it would do
him any good, any way.
If he grew up in a home with
a very negative father whom you've
observed has shaped him into
being the person he is, that's a
pretty good indicator that he may
indeed, be among the part of the
population that is dysfunctional
and is also unable to change
enough to become a healthy,
functional partner.
If you don't want your young
childrens' personalities shaped
now, by someone who is dysfunctional,
then it may be time to take a look at
your household, and make hard
decisions that ultimately, may be
better in the long run, for both you
and your children.
Please look for the women's center
in your area. They will have resources
for you there.
Also, be sure to take good care
of yourself. Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
As for the confusion - that is how I feel most all the time. And when I try and explosion myself to my husband, he says people argue in marriages, its normal. Or he'll say I overreact. And its crazy because I've said just those exact words to him - over a year ago - that I feel like Im walking on eggshells with him because I can anticipate him blowing up about something. Now he says, I should just stand up for myself and say whats on my mind even if it results in an argument. But he says that now, but I know when it comes down to it it wouldn't just be an argument or discussion, He'll get pissed, twist things, bring up past things, and make me feel horrible. and eventually just storm off and say - whatever, you do what you want, it doesnt matter what I say. And thats it - he dismisses me and our discussion - for the time being. But then he always comes back again and starts in again. It's a horribly exhausting cycle.
I truly appreciate that people wont judge. Im hard enough on my self for my choice and Ive gotten beaten up on the infidelity boards for not telling. but I know my husband. If I told him - he would use that affair and hold it over my head forever. He would not work or focus on the issues we are having and have been having for years, years of our marriage that sadly I'm just realizing them now.
go to him with
your new-found
information.
If you're in the U.S.,
here's a website with
the all the states' centers'
contact info (I use it ALL
the time):
http://www.ncadv.org/resources/StateCoalitionList.php
Ive gotten mixed thoughts on telling or not. And some say its the wake up call a spouse may need if Im feeling so checked out of the marriage. But I am fearful of his reaction. I have definitely conveyed my feelings to him about how checked out i am. I had twice asked for a separation last year and he refused to leave both times.
I know the affair was wrong. I know no matter what my situation was at home, it was an escape for me. I realize that. I have never cheated before in my marriage or even in prior relationships before my husband - there was only one - but still I was always honest and faithful.
to go outside the marriage
because inside was abusive.
But, now that you're aware
that he's abusive, please
also know that telling him
about the affair puts you
at VERY GREAT RISK.
You really already know that.
You said you're fearful of his
reaction and your intuition is
spot on. DON'T TELL HIM.
Get your ducks in a row
and get yourself to a place
that's FREE OF ABUSE.
I cannot stress enough how terrible an idea telling him is. Bad enough him attacking you with his fevered imaginings of guilt. If you offer him something like that grounded in truth... even a non-abusive person would be inclined to make you suffer for it. Abusers just go giddy with delight at the horrible gift of control you offered them.