Was just wondering if you guys can give me some insight? I

I am seeing a therapist now and it has helped, though I am still healing. Recently I have been having some thoughts--I realized I am a very reactive person, and I want to fix that. When something happens, instead digesting the situation and being wise, I tend to call my parents or brothers and vent.
The incidents I told you of my ex were the very worst of him. The very worst.

And through my reactive nature, my engagement broke, for better or for worse. I keep blaming myself. I was very immature and should have been more sensitive to his insecurities. I sometimes feel like fate saved him from me, not the other way around.

For the engagement outfit, when he kept insisting if it was my taste or not, I asked my mom what I should say. I knew he was sensitive, but I wanted to give him my honesty too. My mom suggested that I say it isn't my taste but say it in a kind way though deep inside I knew he would get upset since he is very sensitive and takes things very personally.
Just like when he gifted me his mother's bangle, he asked if I liked it and I said, "It's so pretty! It's not the type of jewelry I'm used to wearing, but it is super pretty." And he got upset and said, "Well we can switch it with another one of my mom's bangles" and I said "No it's fine! I love this one." And whenever he was upset that I didn't show him enough love he'd ask if I was wearing the bangle, and sulk if I wasn't (because I had taken it off to work out). And if I was wearing it he would laugh and say he's just messing with me, he "set me up" to "mess with" me.

So anyways I thought, I guess my mom knows better. And I texted him kindly that "It's very pretty. Not what I'm used to but very pretty. I appreciate everything you have done for me," and he texted back, "Jeez. you don't like anything our family likes. Well I don't like your taste--old style, auntyish and oversized." And I texted, "Well you asked for my honesty jaan (meaning "my life", an endearing term), I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you," and he said, "It's okay don't worry about it. I'll just tell my mom that I don't like it that way it doesn't come from you." I told him please don't, tried calling, but no response. And as I was going out the door (my cousin just came so we were going out together), he texted, "You called?" I didn't respond until after I came back from the movies.

My mom texted and said that it was wrong of him to get upset, he shouldn't be that sensitive. Clothes are a HUGE deal for my mom. Huge. She has always bought my clothes growing up and said she has a particular taste. So she was saying that it was wrong for him to force his taste on me (I could care less. I don't really have an eye for what is good clothing and what isn't). I shouldn't have brought my mom in.

I was very bogged down by the entire ordeal, so I just texted him after I got back instead of calling. We talk every night. He is a man who doesn't like change. That was my mistake--I should have called and we should have cleared everything right then and there. Even when he had work the next morning he always called. Even when he had to get up super early he called--he was so caring.
Instead I texted, "Hey I'm sorry you were upset by me and that I hurt you when I said it wasn't what I was used to. I'm happy to wear whatever your family gifts me, which is why I wasn't even going to say anything until you kept insisting for my thoughts. It did suck however when you belittled my taste then and called it auntyish and oversized. That wasn't nice. Anyways, goodnight."

And I didn't get a response, though I knew it was read because it was through whatsapp--I could see he read it. The next day, I checked my phone. Still no response. I wanted so badly to call. My mom said, "Don't call until he realizes his mistake" and "if you don't stand up for yourself he will always think he can walk all over you." I wanted SO badly to call. That was our script. We don't ever go on not talking to each other, even for two hours. He always called. Always.

So I was on Facebook, I changed my profile picture (not to spite him like he said. But yes perhaps I wanted him to see it because I wanted him to know I was waiting and missed him).
He texted in the early evening, "Hi. Is everything okay?"
I said "yah."
He said, "So you could be on facebook but not call me? I'm not stupid you changed your profile pic to get my attention. You look like you came out of a mental hospital in that picture. You know I liked the other one better. Whatever. I'm so pissed at you. We talk every night, and yet you kept feeling sorry for yourself so you didn't call me at all over a stupid piece of cloth. Nothing we get you is your style. We are doing the best we can. Had you called last night, we could have worked this out. I'm more pissed at the fact you didn't call. I'm a fool for caring too much, my bad. Things will change now. If you can be stubborn so can I."
I said, "Jaan I was just upset that you asked for my honesty and then got upset when I gave it, and then disrespected my taste."
He said, "HOW DID I DISRESPECT YOU? Everything I say is disrespect to you or your family. I'm not going to say anything anymore since everything offends you, everything belittles you. Had you called last night and we talked, like we always do, we could have worked this out. I'm more pissed at the fact that you chose to feel sorry for yourself instead and didn't call me the whole day over a stupid piece of cloth. Are you that sensitive? "
I said, "Jaan you were sensitive when I said that cloth wasn't what I was used to. I never intended to disrespect you, and yet you disrespected me."
And he said, "You're still stuck on that???"
And when he called he said, "You're so immature. So stubborn. I could care less if you wipe your butt with the cloth! We are doing the best we can! And yet you say it's not your style or not your taste! It doesn't work like that...marriage doesn't work like that!!!"
I said, "I wasn't asking for anything different" and "I'm sorry. Okay I understand. I'm sorry."
He said, "No you don't understand. Just like the hooka ordeal, when I said I wanted you to come with me, you thought how could you go to a hooka bar? It makes you uncomfortable but you can't do that for me? You kept thinking you would never go to a hooka bar! You didn't once think of me, how would he feel if I don't come with him? Just like here. If I don't call, how would he feel? Even when you're upset I still call to see if you're ok but when the chance came for you, where were you??"

I texted my mom the conversation (besides the hooka ordeal. I was so embarrassed I gave in to that when he said I had to go with him) She said, ""Is it true that he always calls?" I said yes. And she said, "You shouldn't bring me in for such small issues then. Just resolve it. Say sorry."
I kept apologizing then. But he kept going on and on, "Instead you chose to feel sorry for yourself!!! Are you that sensitive? Did I YELL at you ? Did I HIT you? What did I do to you??? What if something happened to me? What if I didn't call or text because I was sick or got hurt? You'd have to live with that for the rest of your life!!! I didn't realize you were so stubborn, you can't see past your own nose.You're so arrogant, egocentric, and immature!!! I didn't call last night because you went out with your cousin and so I waited for you to get back. No response .Instead you send a text, when you know that we should not communicate over text and you misread MY text. It's like when I tell my little niece not to do something and she still does it...why can't you learn??! You're not 3...act like it! I'm SO afraid of your sensitivity!!! Can I even ask you to take food out for me without you getting upset that I disrespected you in front of my parents?? Jeez I'm so afraid of your sensitivity. I didn't know you were THIS sensitive!"
I kept apologizing and he said, "I'm at work. Everyone is looking at me from their window. God. How embarrassing. I'm done. I don't know if I want this anymore, if this is how you are, so stubborn. Whatever I'm done. I'm at work I'll call later. You can take your ego elsewhere I'll find someone else to love me." And hung up.

And then I cried to my mom. She said, "It was wrong for him to say he doesn't want this anymore and hang up. You know what? What if I don't want this anymore? How dare he say that? That one time in the beginning when you said you wanted space, since there was fighting between the families, he blew it up and told his parents and things became big. I need to take steps too now."
and I told her to calm down, and that we will talk and clear this ourselves.

He called back to say, "I hate yelling at my best friend. Ruins my whole day. Do you think I LIKE yelling at my best friend? Do you think I LIKE yelling at you? You're my best friend dude. You're my jaan. I just got frustrated."
He was upset bc I was in Canada for family issues. He was so afraid of "losing me" and said that my parents failed to protect me under their guardianship and when I come down for the engagement he wasn't going to let me go, he was up for 3 nights worrying.
I should have been more understanding--he was scared and frustrated and that is why he was angry. Same with my education goals--I may have come off too strong. I didn't think I did but he did and that's why he said I couldn't take classes because he was afraid I'd get too involved in my education and neglect the family, just like his aunt did.
I was wrong. I truly believe I was immature.

Nonetheless.

In the evening he called to go over the wedding program. He said, "Alright babe, let's do this," and then said, "Excuse me. Alright, let's do this." I was quiet. And then he said, "You know you're stupid right?" I was quiet. He said, "Over a stupid piece of cloth you were so upset?" I said, "I didn't ask for anything different. I could care less what I wear." After the wedding program he said, "So you are okay with you wearing what we gift you?" I said, "Of course. Yes." He said, "What if I don't want you to wear that? What if I want you to wear what you want?" I said, "That would be cool too." and then he said, "What if I don't want you to wear anything?" and then started laughing and said, "It's that kind of night. I want you. I wish the wedding was this weekend." My grandma called me so I excused myself, and then when I came back a minute later to the phone-- he had hung up. I tried calling back, no response. Again tried calling back, no response. He texted, "I don't want to talk to you" I said why he said he was still mad. I was so confused.

The next day when we talked, I talked about how sorry I was. I was honestly trying to give him space when I didn't call him two nights ago since he didn't respond to the text message, and I wanted so badly to call him the next day but he didn't respond so I didn't know what to think. I said I loved him a lot and I think we need time to understand each other's wave lengths. He was upset but said "Got it."

We tried talking again, through text and calls but it was different--he was aloof and still upset. I gave him space.

My mom then texted me saying that there are two designs for the wedding dress. She asked me which one I liked better, and said to ask My ex too to make amends and try to bridge the gap.
I texted him. And he said, "Choice B. It's your wedding day--you should wear more bedazzle." I said cool. He then asked me to call him. I did. He said, "Hey we're going out of town for wedding shopping. Since this is a gift from us to you and we are paying for it, let me just pick it out if you want. I'll text you pictures of different designs. Or if you want the design to come from your family that's fine too. You decide."

I could care less but I was just stuck in the middle of this political game. It was decided amongst elders that there was to be a budget for us to pick our clothes. My ex was to pick out his suit and shoes and watch based on our budget, and I was to do the same.
This concept was foreign to their family, but it is how our family works. His mother was making all the other outfits for all the other occasions.
I said, "Respectfully I want it to come from my mom." And he got so mad. He said, "It's a gift! I don't understand! Just like how you told me that for the wedding, since it is from your guys' side, that you didn't want me controlling everything. Same here! The wedding dress is from us! So let it come from us! But instead it was your mom's fault for asking for a budget. You don't understand how hurt my mom is. When we go wedding shopping I will hide her gaze away from the shops because you don't understand how hurt she is that she can't design your dress like she did for her other daughter in law."
I said don't disrespect my mother please it is not her fault, this is how it's done in my family, and how people in our community do it too, and he said, "I'm not insulting your mom. Why does everything I say insult your family? I could care less how people in your family do it!!!" and the more I tried explaining the angrier he got and said "Whatever. You can wipe your butt with the cloth I could care less. This is a ceremony for just three hours and you're making such a stupid deal out of the dress. I don't understand you. I'm so frustrated by you. Even for the engagement outfit, you said you wanted to give me space but I know better. You're just egocentric and stubborn. Whatever. I'm done. I could care less. I'll have my mom call you for clothing now" and he hung up.

I cried to my mom (stupid me) and she said she will think about things. She called my aunt (one who studied psychology) and my aunt said, "Don't you see? His emotional remote control is run by his mother. If she's upset, he is upset. Life for her will be hell because it will always be his mother's input over hers. She doesn't realize how complicated life is...and if he's making such an issue over a dress, where guys should not even care about this, what will happen in the future?" (I did not know this conversation happened until later. But after this conversation, my mom became Mama Bear and said she is taking the reigns, it was not my decision anymore).

He called me back and said, "I love you." I was crying so he said, "Do you have a cold? You should get yourself checked jaan." I was quiet. He said, "Were you crying? Aw...*sigh* alright tell me what's wrong. What did I do now? If only you were crying because you missed me, not because I upset you. Have you seen Hulk? I'm like Hulk. Calm me down. Put water on the fire instead of getting defensive and start talking about how things are done in Your community or your family...that just made me angrier. Don't let me embarrass myself and say something I regret later. Be my cool. Be my water. When you're fire, I will be your water too. That's how marriage works."

And then he called back later and said that they're going shopping soon. He told me to text pictures of styles I like to respect my taste. But he said, "You look shorter in flowly clothes. You just wear flowy clothes to hide something but you're not good at hiding it. My sister in law was saying that you're not short, when you guys were standing next to each other. I realized it was just that you wear flowy clothes. Makes you look shorter." I said I know, my mom says the same thing, but I like it. He said fine. I texted him pictures. He said he wasn't going to let me come to Canada anymore bc the "cold is making you crazy" and iim surrounded by too much family.
Later on he called and asked if things are good between us. I said yes. We said I love you.

My mom called his mom in the car ride, which I didn't know. He texted saying he cannot believe me. That we have just been like this for two days and I just cried to my mom and he has never been so embarrassed in front of his parents. He said he's 28, not 8, and getting parents involved is very childish and immature.

We had a mediator come in btwn. She put me on mute while I listened in. He was talking about how immature I am, how inconsiderate I am, and they're picking gifts out for us and that I sent him such endearing texts, and I kept leading him on. And when the mediator brought up the clothing ordeal he interrupted her and said, "You know Mariam called me fat? Can you imagine the pain I'm in? She also asked me to change my hairstyle too!" I never did. He asked me if I wanted him to lose weight. I said we can work out together, since I need to lose weight too. He asked me if I liked his new hairstyle. I said yes.

And it spiraled downwards from there. He kept blaming me but in between would say, "I'm honestly trying to see why you blew this up so big. Over a text message you misread when remember we decided not to text, to call. Had you called none of this would have happened."
And then, "I'm sincerely trying to see how I could have been better, what I could have done differently. I told you you were the answer to my prayers. Did that mean nothing for you to lead me on and then break my heart? I honestly cared for you a lot. I really really cared for you. But you broke my heart. If you would have talked to me I could have changed, we could have made this work. But you let this spiral out of control, I hope you learned some things before the next guy comes around."


I feel like this was my fault--that I brought my mom in the picture over stupid stuff. I'm reactive. And I broke this. I keep blaming myself. In the midst of him changing and incorporating my taste in his shopping, I broke it. Over fights over two days, I broke it. I feel guilty.

Perhaps it will take a while for it to sink in he was abusive. I think part of it is forgiving myself,
Thoughts?