Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My husband is bipolar and doesn't take any meds to help control his anger. Actually I should call it rage. This is a man gets bent out of shape over something as simple as the phone ringing too many times. Nothing I do is ever good enough, nothing I say is ever good enough. He doesn't appreciate anything, he just expects it and if it isn't done, he throws a 2 year old tantrum. I can never talk about myself because it either (1) becomes about him or (2) becomes an argument that's 800x bigger than anything I ever wanted to say in the first place. How do you guys cope? How do you cope living with a person who treats you like a worthless piece of trash? How do you cope with someone who refuses to communicate with you? Who refuses to look at things from your perspective? Who is so selfish that they can't look past themselves and realize that they're hurting you so much? I'm really about at my wit's end. I've never been more disrespected in my life. I'm a huge internalizer so everything that happens that's remotely negative just sits inside of me and festers. I'm just so tired of feeling unloved, unappreciated, blah blah and his actions are only proving that I'm justified in feeling this way. Help me :(
I understand the fear of not being able to survive; of what he will do when you leave, but I can also tell you that if you stay your son will eventually become a target of his rages and silent treatment and manipulations and just general meanness soon.
My funds also go towards keeping bills paid and making sure my kids have most of the things they need. If he is anything like mine, he will bleed you dry and make sure you never have any money of your own (if he knows about it). I had to get sneaky with my funds--saying I make a couple hundred a month less than I do (he gets angry about how little I "whore myself out for"--btw I manage an optometrist office), but oh well. It was the only way I could make sure my kids were fed sometimes because he truly does not care and refuses to share his money at all; I also lie about tax returns, child support (from my oldest's father), and such. I felt guilty at first, but I learned that in a war zone like this you have to play a little dirty. Always have a safety plan in place, and best of luck to you!!
But the thing is, he very likely won't ever understand your side of things, he won't ever make any room in the relationship for your feelings. Is that really love? Is that the kind of love you would give? Then is it really the kind of "love" you deserve to receive?
The only way I've ever found to cope with my situation is to accept that there will never be room for my feelings and needs around him--and that talking to him about anything (especially my feelings or needs) will result in a crazy waste of time--or a night of crying, or dealing with his crazy rage, and a bunch of stress that detracts from my other obligations to myself and my child.
All the best and good luck!
And please feel free to post here whenever. We have pretty much universally said you need to leave. But you will also find that we are not judgmental or prescriptive - it's YOUR life to live and we will respect your choices.
You're not alone - keep reaching out.
You don't. Your situation is not one that is tolerable---this is why women leave. They leave marriages to "save" themselves and save their children. If you don't leave, this marriage (which really isn't a marriage in any of the good implications of the word) will destroy your spirit, sense of self, sense of right thinking, and rob you of your joy. It will do this to your child as well, except it might create the cycle of dysfunction for a whole other generation. That would be tragic and should be a compelling reason to leave---right there.
I, 100%, agree with the first response by AZKEVIN. I would have said the exact same thing, except he already did. (wink) Ironically, I have the same situation as your are describing---including the financial issues. I was able to survive the first year, by putting myself in grad school and supplementing my income with student loans. That might be an option, and in the end, you earn a degree, increase your income, and most importantly---you empower yourself to take back your life.
Your only option is to get out and LIVE or stay and DIE. You WILL die---spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and perhaps physically. Abuse and disease go hand-in-hand.
Please heed the advice of others (myself included) and get out. Plan, plan, plan. Do you contact any shelters or abuse centers on your cell or via your computer. Use a friend's technology (because it's all traceable) and start your exit plan. I did it.
I had a condo, furnished with used furniture and a outfitted with Walmart household items---BEFORE I left. I secretly packed for a month and moved out one day went he went to work. Genius.
I took my life back and have smiled ever since. People don't even know I'm going through such an event because I have joy in my heart again.
Don't get me wrong---you will be sad and experience grief like a death. It is a death. It's a death of a family---your future hopes with this person---and your life as you know it. But you get far, far more in return.
And not to state the obvious, but you're young and beautiful and very worthy of trying this whole marriage thing again---after years of counseling. lol.
Good luck girl. You can do this---I can sense your internal strength and know you're resourceful. Don't forget that several cities have programs like "Project Self-Sufficiency" to help women escape abuse and get financially stable.
Take back your life. It's worth the 2-3 years of pain and suffering. Otherwise---you're looking at a life sentence.
Keeping it real because it's the truth. You will have the support of many women---ones you know and strangers---who are your sisters through surviving abuse. There's a lot of us out there---we just don't talk about it with others. We will find you.
Promise.