Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Between contacting him on facebook awhile back and not getting the closure I was wanting after his phone call to start fresh, then blocking him because he left me hanging after I asked him why he called when I had heard he was dating and happy, I joined a dating site, and well..that has proved to just be harder on me.
Although I have gotten a lot of attention, he was on the site ( I didn't know it when I joined) and he viewed me, not contacting me for a couple days, then he messaged me. I can't read the messages as I am not a paid subscriber. I am not sure that I want to join as honestly, I am not sure that I am ready to date. I know it makes no sense, but I am just feeling things out right now. :/
It seems like his message, just hanging there, is stressing me out more, and the fact that after the weekend, I had to view his profile finally, the photos, and seen a photo of him with a family, a woman around my age and a preteen and two teens at a resort type place, looking happy..unnerved me. It's such an odd photo as he is standing off to the side, away from the woman and by the young girl. My coworker looked at it and said, " It's almost like he photobombed the people."
So for some reason, I finally cracked and Wed. I unblocked him on facebook and wrote a message telling him I was not ignoring him on the dating site, I couldn't message or chat with anyone. That we just were not compatible as we wanted different things, he seemed to want to date casually and I wanted a committed relationship. That I was not sure if the remark about him looking for someone that had a smile all the time not walking around pissed off at the world was aimed at me or?
Basically, trying to still understand this man and find closure and reasoning behind his contacting me when he clearly is on dating sites, one hidden looking for no commitment/hang out someone who is not thin skinned, and the other which he viewed me on, looking for his best friend for life who is not pissed off at the world?
So after sending the message, I rethought everything and was like, Oh my god what did I do?
The next morning, I checked and seen he had shown online on the dating site, but had not read his message that I could tell on facebook. Usually it shows that they do.
So I tried to reblock him, well, you can't do it for 48 hours. Ugh.
So, I did the only thing I knew to do to hopefully save face. I deactivated my facebook so that maybe he can't read the letter?
Does anyone know if this will work?
I feel so stupid. I feel like an obsessed teenager and between no counselor for weeks, work being busy, my hectic schedule at home and all, ended up literally sick all last night, throwing up and in the bathroom up till 10:30 pm, and had to be at work at 7am this morning.
I feel like such a loser right now. :(
Although I have gotten a lot of attention, he was on the site ( I didn't know it when I joined) and he viewed me, not contacting me for a couple days, then he messaged me. I can't read the messages as I am not a paid subscriber. I am not sure that I want to join as honestly, I am not sure that I am ready to date. I know it makes no sense, but I am just feeling things out right now. :/
It seems like his message, just hanging there, is stressing me out more, and the fact that after the weekend, I had to view his profile finally, the photos, and seen a photo of him with a family, a woman around my age and a preteen and two teens at a resort type place, looking happy..unnerved me. It's such an odd photo as he is standing off to the side, away from the woman and by the young girl. My coworker looked at it and said, " It's almost like he photobombed the people."
So for some reason, I finally cracked and Wed. I unblocked him on facebook and wrote a message telling him I was not ignoring him on the dating site, I couldn't message or chat with anyone. That we just were not compatible as we wanted different things, he seemed to want to date casually and I wanted a committed relationship. That I was not sure if the remark about him looking for someone that had a smile all the time not walking around pissed off at the world was aimed at me or?
Basically, trying to still understand this man and find closure and reasoning behind his contacting me when he clearly is on dating sites, one hidden looking for no commitment/hang out someone who is not thin skinned, and the other which he viewed me on, looking for his best friend for life who is not pissed off at the world?
So after sending the message, I rethought everything and was like, Oh my god what did I do?
The next morning, I checked and seen he had shown online on the dating site, but had not read his message that I could tell on facebook. Usually it shows that they do.
So I tried to reblock him, well, you can't do it for 48 hours. Ugh.
So, I did the only thing I knew to do to hopefully save face. I deactivated my facebook so that maybe he can't read the letter?
Does anyone know if this will work?
I feel so stupid. I feel like an obsessed teenager and between no counselor for weeks, work being busy, my hectic schedule at home and all, ended up literally sick all last night, throwing up and in the bathroom up till 10:30 pm, and had to be at work at 7am this morning.
I feel like such a loser right now. :(
I don't know about the being able to read it or not but I DO know you aren't stupid. You are just still caught in a patch of fog. I pray that it clears for you soon. That you can see clearly how amazing you are and that you def don't need this guy or his games.
Sending you strength
I think he probably did "create" that photo, and he put it there intentionally to mess with you. That is a natural response, to try and engage with him and correct him/fight back, but they will just use it against you. Things like what he did are very sneaky, very abusive things to do, because nobody else knows they are having that effect on you except your abuser and you. That is psychopath and narcissist kind of territory. Extremely insidious abuse.
With NC, you always get another chance. You can start afresh. It`s not ruined or over because you wrote to him. You can try again :) It`s really hard, and you are doing great getting on with life.
I hope you feel better today, and we are all here for you xxx
The picture honestly took me by surprise as it is only on the site I am on and he doesn't have it on facebook when I looked or the hidden dating profile and never has. It is odd in that he seems detached from the other people and has his hands down at his sides where normally when you take a group photo you huddle in close, if that makes sense? Also it is blurred and off focus, other than him..I do know he has good friends in California and Mexico that he goes to visit, but its hard telling, as if this is the wife and kids of the friend, why is the friend not in it, unless he is taking the photo?
I wish I could unsee it. :( I do have to say, he looks healthy in it, he has gained his weight back and so I am hoping that means he is not using and eating well. Even if he is just smoking pot, that is still better than other stuff and looking thin and haggard like I have seen him do after not seeing him for months and wondering if he went on a binge as he has been so frail looking.
I know it is pointless to worry, but I am human.
I wish I wasn't somedays....
I think when you reactivate your facebook, his message (if he sends one) will be there. I'm not sure. Maybe not if he tries to respond while your page is deactivated. But once you reactivate, he'll be able to respond.
I don't think you've done anything wrong. The mixed feelings can just drive us crazy. I'm 6 weeks no contact and still riding that roller coaster.
Perhaps it is because this last one has the drug addiction issues not the alcohol issues (the others were all alcoholics and pretty hardcore mean) whereas this guy actually took me to decent places, pulled chairs out for me, opened car doors, treated me with manners in the beginning.
He made me believe I was worth something and I suppose that is what I hate to lose. :(
Now some other woman is worth something. ..
I wish if he didn't care, he would show some decency and stop contacting me. I have left him alone for as long as 9 months and he still contacts and stirs me up.
I feel like I will never heal...
You are not crazy at all. It is the way we all feel after getting off the roller coaster of an abusive relationship. And it will get better. Hugs.
You are not stupid and you aren't a loser.
A picture is a snapshot of ONE moment - ONE - in time. It is not representative of what life is really like for those in the photos. If you saw all the photos from my marriage, you would never guess - not in a million years - that things weren't just as they seemed in the pictures - all happy and wonderful and safe and loving.
Also, the thing about closure is that you will never get it from him. You will never understand him or why he is the way he is. Part of the reason is because he is an addict and when you are in a relationship with an addict, you are NOT in a relationship w/the person. You're in a relationship with the drug or alcohol.
I know this to be true because I lived it. I still don't understand the ex and I still don't understand how he could do the things he did and still say he loved me.
And while it sometimes still nags at me, I have given myself some closure by accepting that there is no way to have a relationship with someone who is addicted and is missing a ton of brain cells. I know that may sound snarky and it partly is, but its also the honest truth. Drugs & alcohol kill brain cells and cause the 'host' person to make BADs (Bad Addict/Alcoholic Decisions).
Closure has to come from within. I think its safe to say that we all have this morbid curiosity when it comes to what the abuser is doing now that we are away from them. Did they change? Are they happy with a new person? Do they treat the new person differently? That's normal, especially early on. I've been out 9 yrs and still wonder that sometimes. BUT I have heard enough to know that he hasn't changed and from what I know & have learned about abusers, the chances of your ex changing and treating others better than he treated you are pretty slim.
I hope things ease up for you and that you can see your therapist soon. ~hugs~
God I feel like I am suckerpunched and I just don't have the arsenal to fight back...
I know how hard it is to let go of someone who showed a lot of good qualities. He was better than any of the other guys I've dated. But also had a lot of serious issues that needed to be dealt with before he can be in a relationship. Same with yours, drug addiction has to be dealt with before a healthy relationship is possible.
I know how hard it is to fight the urge to check into what he's doing. I was driving myself crazy. There are still days where I come real close to looking into him again. I had to block him from facebook and g+ for my own sanity. I still wonder if he's on any dating sites. Every time I used to check, I couldn't find him on any. I don't know if that's still the case and I don't want to find out. I have to stop looking for my own health. It's really difficult but I want to move on to healthier things. I can't do that if I keep going backwards.
I thought my counseling was making me stronger, but apparently not as the photo on the site really got to me, in so much so that I was physically ill yesterday.
Also, I have not mentioned this, but I am getting a ton of views from profiles with no photos that are about every hour or sometimes in the early morning , then at noon, then right before bedtime..then they change their names...I know this as I started keeping track and it is different from when it first started.
Now I am feeling paranoid...
Wondering if I should block the last ex even though he has not viewed me since the one time before he messaged me or start blocking the no profile pic ones?
Or am I just finally going nuts from all of this?
When we come from abuse in our family of origin, we end up many times in other abusive relationships. Addicts are notorious for being Ns and horribly abusive.
Sweetie, you have a lot of trauma to overcome. And, given time and the right therapist, I have every confidence you WILL! But you need time to heal. I know what you're going thru now is so f'n sucky and awful, but it is normal for the circumstances. We've all been there.
Just throwing this out there to think about...It may be too soon to be on a dating site. You might want to wait until you've had more time in therapy and are stronger. Right now, you might still be in the 'abuse fog' where it's hard to see the forest for the trees. Of course its up to you to decide.
I suggest extreme self-care, No Contact with all of the exes and giving yourself as much time to heal as you need before before starting dating or new relationships. If you were physically sick, you wouldn't go out and expose yourself to other people who might be sick and make you sicker, right? So we stay home, take care of ourselves, eat chicken soup & take medicine in order to get healthy again.
It's exactly the same when it comes to abuse. When we leave, we are filled w/toxic germs and they multiply when we continue contact. Once we go no contact, it still takes a while and some good medicine (therapy for as long as it takes) for the germs to leave our body, mind and soul.
Whatever you decide, I hope you take good care of you and give yourself as much time as you need to feel better. ~hugs~
After the phone call I just took, I could sure use a therapist, a friend, or just to disappear.
I am so tired.
Then where you have to put about you 150 word minimum, I put the quote that was ringing through my head:
1 Corinthians 13:48a
(New Living Translation)
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance ... love will last forever!
I have already cried in front of two customers at work, and told them why, I do know them, but still. I have to keep it together until 5pm. Then go home and clean kennels, feed and then feed, put deicer in stock tank, feed horse, then I just want to sleep.
I used to be so much stronger..I feel like I am having a breakdown.
I still have to work tomorrow.
I don't know why I am like this, I worked through my Moms cancer battle, her death, my divorce, my failed engagement, all the failed relationships after...
It has to be the menopause.
As for your ex - do your best to have no contact - I'm not the right one to give advice but I kept going back to my emotionally abusive ex who left me every time we had a disagreement sometimes he would leave for months not speaking then start watching me online, texting, trying to lure me in and I would keep falling for it. I even feel like an idiot right now because I took him back again. I feel like a complete failure and also feel like its my own fault because I should have stayed strong and resisted contact. So whatever you do I support you but if you can stay strong and move on it only gets worse.