Is there a possibility that this very good friend of yours is just jealous?
I guess you just shouldn't tell him when you have contact with your ex. I think it is OK to feel compassion for him and not want him to get in any more trouble.

I don't think you are wrong for caring about someone who seems to be on a path of self destruction. I don't even think you are wrong for talking about him and praying for him, but if that is the majority of what you discuss while talking to your friend, if it's an ongoing topic of conversation, i can see how your friend would be frustrated and feel neglected. maybe try to talk about other things when you talk to your friend and show an interest in his life and his feelings when you talk to him. He may feel you are just dumping your concerns and your frustrations on him and no one likes to be dumped on or just be sounding board. I'm sure that is not what you were trying to do but that is how your friend may have perceived it.

My friend is not really the type to be jealous so I would not think that is it? He is a successful business partner and he is free to date or be friends with any female he chooses. Also we are not "friends" in that way anyway, we are strictly platonic and just hang out occasionally.

As for contact, I am not in contact with the ex currently, though I did have a lapse which I talked about on here, but there was not intimacy and I only seen him once and talked to him a few times. I have decided I cannot even be friends with him as he has so much drama and well his life is just so sporadic with all that he is involved in. Even when he is not emotionally or mentally abusive to me, I cannot afford to be a part of his life in anyway as it will affect my health to constantly worry about " Is he ok? Is he hurt? Did a so called business deal go bad? Is he using? so on and so on.

I was trying to explain this to my friend who does not understand that I understand that I cannot be in contact with the ex. He is upset that I even use any of my mind to think about him that I should be using on ME. He feels I will never heal if I focus on the ex. I tried to explain to my friend that I have really made progress and I am taking vitamins now, dieting, exercising, getting out of the house a lot more, not hanging around toxic people, etc..nothing is overnight ya know?
I do see where maybe my friend percieved that I was dumping on him although I did ask how he was and ask about his family. I ended the conversation by texting that I would of course pray for him and his family as he has some things going on.
I do not care more about the ex than I do about my friend ..I would like to stress this and I do not want to lose the friendship. I just want to stand strong on the fact that I feel it is acceptable to not have to control my thoughts on having an occassional worrisome thought about the ex and saying a prayer now and then about his welfare?
As I tried to text to my friend, it is not love, it is more like pity? Does that make sense to anyone?

No, I definitely do not think that you are wrong for feeling compassion and pity for you ex and for praying for him. I actually think that your friend was wrong for trying to encourage you to change the way you feel and think. He made you wish that you were a vampire or a zombie with no heart and who doesn't care, rather than be the kind, loving person that you actually are. That, to me, is wrong.

You sound like a wonderful person. Please don't let anyone make you think you are wrong or bad for caring or for having a heart. Those qualities ought to be treasured.

You probably shouldn't talk about your ex to this friend anymore.

this kind of happened to me in a way a few wks ago. A friend of mind said she is fed up of me going on about what happened wiv my ex and that i needed to move on(ok i never thought of that one. Of course i will just move on then. How silly of me. Such a simple conclusion). She said lately i am too deep and its too deep for her. I now feel like she is avoiding me to be honest. But i also think she can do one if she is because i have been there 4 her in the past and i feel that if she is backing away from me then she is not a true friend anyway. Thing is is that at the moment she has a lifestyle where its really important how she looks. How she comes across to people and going out wiv friends who are a lot mother than her. It says a lot for why she cant handle deep conversations. She has not mentally grown to that place yet hence the reason as to why she hangs around wiv teenagers and early 20 year olds. Perhaps your friend is not so different in the fact he has not grown to understand were u are coming from. U see wiv my friend she said we are very different. To her everything is black and white. To me its all shades of grey and many colours. But what i have come to realise is that real life IS many shades of colours. Its full of variety. Its complicated. Its most certainly not black and white. I thing your friend is a black and white type person. To these type of people its a straight down the middle end of story approach. I think these people lack true sensitivity and true empathy. I do not think there people have ever really had trauma in their lives to teach them about all the colours of life. It is ok for u to pray for your ex. The way i see it is that it is a massive sign of healing and moving on. Bitterness, anger, frustration and hate are all feelings that keep up somehow holding onto others or situations. Letting go is to let go of ill feelings. This is what is known as finding peace. If your friend was i person who has grown then he would understand this. Holding onto the hate and anger towards him that he clearly thinks u should feel is in fact the opposite. Hate eats at your soul. Its an awful emotion to carry for a long time. So in response to your friend i would txt back to him that u hold no ill feelings towards your ex because u are finding your peace wiv it now. Tell him also that this is not just a decision to have peace but a goal and therefore a process. If u are going over things regarding your ex then all u are doing is going through the process to reach your goal. And that u feel very confident that it is attainable through your none hatred process!

I'm going to throw an alternative in there.

Perhaps he just felt that you were unnecessarily obsessing over your ex - I'm not saying he's right, only that it may have been his impression. And that maybe he's just worried about you.

When someone has not, themselves, been through abuse, it is VERY difficult to understand how we could possibly be bonded to, love, care for and have compassion for someone who treats us so appallingly. It's hard to even understand why we would bother "making excuses" (ie, searching for reasons and having compassion for the underlying issues such as mental illness, previous abuse, addiction or whatever). It may be that he was just a little frustrated because he cares about you but has no idea how to fully support you. He said he's not mad at you, just frustrated and upset for you that you seem (to him) to be spending more of your emotional energy caring about your ex than about yourself.

Now I'm NOT saying he's right in his perception of obsession or caring more about your ex than yourself. I'm only saying that most of us come across a little like that in the early stages of healing, especially to people who haven't, themselves, lived through it.

Personally, I would take his "I'm not mad at you" at face value, accept that he cares about you, but also accept that he doesn't really understand and so maybe really try to limit how much you talk about your ex to him.

Joanie, NO. Compassion is good. There is the school of thought that we have to have compassion for everyone, or we really have it for no one.

I have plenty of compassion for my ex. I wish more than anything he would see what he's done to his life and make the turn toward the light. As you do this man. I am not invested in the outcome though, and it sounds like you are not either. I wish my ex love and light whenever I think of him, but I don't want him anywhere within a mile of me. (I say a mile only because he lives about 2 miles from me, lol)

That being said, I have been told by people that he doesn't deserve it, my compassion. But, it has nothing to do with whether or not he deserves it, it has to do with who I am, and the kind of energy I want to bring to my life.

I think you're right on the ball, girl. Big hugs..

Hi Joanie. There are lots of people in the world who have had horrible things happen to them, and they do'nt act like your ex. I think your friend is right. I think he is looking out for you. There's compassion, and then there's co-dependency. Move on, your ex is dragging you down with him. Let him go.

I appreciate all the advise and support. I will take everything into consideration. Thanks everyone.