Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi, just seeking some advice from someone who has been thru this:
I struggle with a number of issues including anxiety and CoD,
I admit that often I am difficult to live with because of these problems
But I am trying my best to understand and work through my issues.
Today my husband of 20 years told me that he is going to give me a year to change and if I don't he will leave me. He wants me to be more loving, intimate and supportive of him, not unreasonable requests, BUT I struggle enormously with being myself around him, I always feel that I am never good enough and he constantly tells me how awful it is to be with me. I already feel like a worm in his eyes. He frequently berates me and points out all my faults and tells me that I have ruined his life. In short, he wants me to change and be the wife he wants me to be and I know that I am not that person and may never be.,
I tried to tell him that threatening to leave will not bring about any positive change in me as I will feel even more anxious and less natural with him if I am under such pressure to get my act together
His response was to berate me more and tell me I am selfish and only care about how things affect me.
So, I can't talk to him about how I feel threatened, he won't hear it, he just insists that I am the cause of all our problems and that I need to get my act together.
Can anyone give me any advice, I feel sick and unable to change for the better when I feel so pressured.
I struggle with a number of issues including anxiety and CoD,
I admit that often I am difficult to live with because of these problems
But I am trying my best to understand and work through my issues.
Today my husband of 20 years told me that he is going to give me a year to change and if I don't he will leave me. He wants me to be more loving, intimate and supportive of him, not unreasonable requests, BUT I struggle enormously with being myself around him, I always feel that I am never good enough and he constantly tells me how awful it is to be with me. I already feel like a worm in his eyes. He frequently berates me and points out all my faults and tells me that I have ruined his life. In short, he wants me to change and be the wife he wants me to be and I know that I am not that person and may never be.,
I tried to tell him that threatening to leave will not bring about any positive change in me as I will feel even more anxious and less natural with him if I am under such pressure to get my act together
His response was to berate me more and tell me I am selfish and only care about how things affect me.
So, I can't talk to him about how I feel threatened, he won't hear it, he just insists that I am the cause of all our problems and that I need to get my act together.
Can anyone give me any advice, I feel sick and unable to change for the better when I feel so pressured.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
The way your husband berates you, he sounds exactly like an abuser. That is what they do. An abuser makes you feel you are NEVER good enough, no matter what you do.
An abuser ALWAYS says that everything that goes wrong is the other persons fault.
Abusers want their victims (you) to be a doormat so they can do any damn thing they please.
I feel so bad for you because, I know, it makes no difference what you do to change, it will never be good enough. He's just trying to get his own way about everything without having to do any work to get it. He is an abuser, that is what they do.
No one deserves to live with an abuser. Abusers only get worse, they never get better.
I sincerely hope that you do a lot of reading here and you will get so much good information from so many good people.
This is something that abusers do:
make you think that so much is wrong with you,
and that, in essence, that you have to change so
much, in order to be good enough for them,
that you have to watch the little things!
Ugh. Instead, of asking yourself are you good
enough for him, maybe more important point is
IS he good enough for you acting like this!
I don't think so.
You should be able to live a natural life in peace.
It is NOT your job to please him, maybe JUST to
share SOME of your life with him, as a human being.
That's all there is to it, really!
Please, relax, and do not put pressure on yourself.
One of the most attractive qualities a person can have
is actually- DIGNITY-
something that most abusers try to rob
an individual of, but secretly with they had.
One way to build up your dignity, and self confidence,
is to actually do the reverse of what he is suggesting,
put the focus of your energy on yourself and yes what YOU want.
I received this advice years ago, and while my relationship
is so FAR from perfect, it successfully enabled me to change
the dynamic to better and livable, sometimes. One other thing,
if he ever says he is leaving, just show him the door.
Trust me, he will be back, he might go to the gas station
for a few minutes!!
We all of us have the ABSOLUTE right to be whoever we are and whoever we want to be, and none of us has the right nor the power to demand change of another. That includes abusers - our right is not to demand they change, but to choose for ourselves whether we want to accept it or not.
Be who YOU want to be, possum, and know that you ARE good enough precisely as you are. We are all different, we are none of us perfect. But a loving partner loves us WITH our faults - not in spite of them, not because they think they can change them, but with them.
Also know that, firstly, no matter what you do he's unlikely to leave in a year, unless he has another victim lined up, in which case no matter what you do, he will leave in a year. The point is, there is nothing you can do that will "make" him either stay or go. He's set you up for more abuse, that's all. Because now you are (as you said) even more anxious and therefore less able to be the sort of person he says he wants you to be (but doesn't really - I'll get to why he actually doesn't want you to be that sort of person). So you are set up for failure, with a deadline and ultimatum hanging over your head. And he's all the while berating you and tearing you further down, thus further ensuring that you can't possibly make the changes he says he wants.
Why do I say he doesn't actually want you to change? Because change isn't the point - beating you further down is the point. If he truly wanted you to be more loving, intimate and supportive of him, he would be more loving, intimate and supportive of you. He would encourage change, rather than berate you.
Be yourself. You are NOT a worm and do not deserve to be treated that way. You have asked in the past what you can do to change him, to make him see - you can't. You can either accept his treating you like less than the shit under his shoes, or you can treat yourself a lot better, and tell him that you don't see yourself changing for him or anyone else so he may as well leave now. And that, since he can't be at ALL loving, intimate or supportive of you, you see no point in even trying to be MORE of those things to him any more.
Please, get some counselling if you are not already, and make plans to live life as yourself, not as the worm he wants you to be.
Oh, sweetie, this sounds so famliar. I too suffer with anxiety and OCD, and I know how debilitating that can be just on its own! Add someone who is telling you how much you fail them every day to the mix, and it can be downright maddening! You don't deserve that.
I agree with everyone who say to get yourself some counseling and some support if you aren't already. Going through this alone is not the way to go.
Sending you hugs.
I am so glad i live to see this age of communication and support for people. It was so much harder back in the old days...
I support all who have posted prior.
Your husband gave you a yr. to change. If i were in your shoes, i would...on the QT...be making plans to leave within the next 6 mths. ON THE QT. No reason to warn enemy of plans, but will sure make you feel better in the long run.
Be "the one that got away". Beats the alternative, no?
{{hugs}}GL!
Find your inner strength, and it is there, and walk away as quickly as you can.
Things will never improve and that is a terrible shame when there are times that are so lovely, but I found the good times in the end were very much tainted and overshadowed by having just been ignored for four days, or some shitty comment he'd made, or the fact we were still not having sex and I'd be punished for asking for any sex.
You will feel 50,000 times better away from him. Not immediately, but little by little you will.