You are on 'survival mode'. You withdrawing is all HIS FAULT. You are doing it because of his abuse and not because this is who you are.
''He says he forgives me''- They are SO good at brainwashing that one ends up feeling they did something wrong. WTF!! HE forgives YOU. Like you are the one doing something wrong! GET this, you are not!!!!!
YOU have done and are not doing anything wrong. Please believe this, he is messing with your head. He is an abuser and he has total control of your mind now- don't allow him to do this.
I know, with my ex I ended up feeling the same way BUT now that my eyes are open and I am out of the trap I KNOW it was HIM and not me to blame.....
Hugs

My H does this as well. I am very much withdrawn from him, and then he thinks that I should be giving 50:50. I've decided that the only thing that I can control are my actions toward him. I will do my best to be civil and treat him with respect until I can figure out how to get out. It will not be easy.

This is exactly what would happen with my ex when I would call him out for abusive behavior. He would be like, yes, I apologize, I was wrong.... BUT (there was ALWAYS a but), "you also were abusive, so don't make me the monster. we are EQUALLY to blame"... And he would guilt trip me into accepting blame. WHEN I SHOULDN'T HAVE. And thats what is happening with you. He's placing blame on you for doing something to protect yourself. You cannot feel bad or be to blame for withdrawing yourself. If someone is hurting you physically/emotionally/sexually etc, why on EARTH, logically, would that person want to open up, feel comfortable, etc with their abuser. Like Gigi said, you're on survival mode. I was in this mode for over 2 years. IT IS NO WAY TO LIVE. You deserve better than walking on eggshells and having to second guess yourself every time you get into a fight. He is "crazy-making" and he'll keep trying to get you to abandon your sense of right and wrong. I always likened my ex to a magnet around my emotional moral compass. I would be away from him physically for a while, and things would start to make sense again. I tapped back into my innate intuition and sense of what was really going on. I would get around him, and my sense of direction and feelings would get all screwed up. I would lose my moral north. So don't let him make you doubt yourself. You know what is right and what is wrong. Knowing the truth is your greatest tool. That and your strength! Big hugs to you.

possumlady -----

I'm sorry for your pain.

You described the words of
an emotional abuser.

You wrote:

i dont understand how you forgive someone then constantly berate them for everything they have done in the past.


Those are the words and actions
of an emotional abuser. If you try
to "understand" from the persepctive
of healthy actions and responses you
won't be able to . . . . because it's not
the action or response of someone
who's healthy.

On the other hand, it's totally typical
of an abuser.

Let me repeat that:

What you've described is
totally typcial of an abuser.

You won't untangle the "logic"
because it's the logic of dysfunciton.
You won't be able to reach him.
You won't be able to change him.
You will always end up crushed
because that's the consequence
of abuse.
You will always
end up crushed.

Believe him, on the day that
he tells you that
somewhere deep down,
he NEEDS you.

He absolutely does
need you.

He can't abuse without you.

Envision what you want
in your life? Unless what
you want in your life is
pain and abuse, you
won't get it with an abuser.

Hugs and healing thoughts.

"I always likened my ex to a magnet around my emotional moral compass. I would be away from him physically for a while, and things would start to make sense again"

IgnatiaAmara, I LOVE this analogy. It is spot on!

First of all who needs to ask for forgiveness from whom? Imo he should be asking for your forgiveness, not the other way around. you don't intentionally berate, criticize and hurt him but he does intentionally do that to you.
His anger and sarcasm are typical behavior of an abuser and that is the sum total of what they offer us although in the beginning they convince us they could give us the moon and the stars. Sarcasm is not an attractive quality in a relationship. it may get laughs in a sitcom but irl it destroys relationahips and doesn't get laughs.
Of course you withdraw, who wouldn't. who wants to say anything knowing the type of abusive response you will get. He is never going to see his part because an abuser is always "right," at least tyhat is what they are convinced of in that is the excuse they use to feel entitled to abuse.

As long as you are with him, everything will be your fault. It will never change.

How many years has it been getting worse for? How many more years do you want to give him, just to make sure.....

It's your life, possum.

Some great stuff above.

After telling me he didn't love me, that he'd moved on, that he loved his gf more than he ever loved me, that she was his top priority, blah blah blah, my ex complained to me one day that I "don't seem to be working on the marriage any more". Ummm ... what marriage and why should I? Even after we split up, he still told me that I should make an effort to "meet him halfway". I pointed out that I had spent years building bridges by myself, that even after I'd built the bridge, I'd be the only one stepping out on it, and that as soon as I got to that halfway point on the bridge, he'd burn it down again. That was the last time I saw him.

To hell with him "forgiving" you for protecting yourself. That's real big of him to "forgive" you for surviving, for not continuing to internalise his abuse and beg and plead for more of it. What a prize he is, to "forgive" you for taking your hand off the burning stove.

He's not "deeply hurt" but he probably is angry with you for withdrawing and refusing to be totally his victim any more. No fair, how DARE you protect yourself from him, ruins all his fun if he can't see how much he's hurting you, if he can't make you dance on the end of his oh so painful strings.

Stop building bridges for him to burn down. It's about time he built some or you turned around and walked the other way.

Oh MY GOSH Livn you have a way with words!!!!!!
You are describing my life perfectly! With the bridges and the burning down...wow! so true...i want to copy your words on my cards to remember them!!
Possum....when you withdraw it is truly protection, but .. I recently flinched when he even touched me on my shoulders and I realized....this splits me in two.....when you want the affection but have to turn away and withdraw because at least in my case I know it is just the phony "push pull" thing. So sad....