Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am quite disturbed about something that happened yesterday.
My husband was trying to concentrate on some online instructions he
was reading. Our 3 kids were I the room playing with Lego and
making a bit of noise. He tells them to please be quiet so he can concentrate( fair enough)
I went to have a shower and while in the shower I heard loud yelling. I got dressed and went out and asked what was going on. My husband was yelling at our youngest boy ( he is 9) at the top of his voice and had been slamming his hands on the table.
Apparently, after he told the kids to be quiet, our son continued to make noise, not deliberately but because he just didn't think.
His dad then starts to raise his voice at him. Our son is a bit fragile and has difficulty dealing with strong emotions, his strategy is to run off if he feels overwhelmed and calm down a bit
So he gets called back inside and gets yelled at and told that he is selfish
and that his problem was that he 'took offense' at his dad getting annoyed at him. That he had to grow up and realize that people will get angry and annoyed with him at times and he has to learn to deal with it. Now, while I can appreciate the truth in this, I just felt for my boy who was in tears because a grown man is yelling at him, what can he do?
He was then told that he needed to apologize for 'taking offense', which he did, even though he didn't understand or agree with it. Then the subject was dropped and not mentioned again
I asked my son about it later, got the whole story and his perspective. He felt that his dad was the one who should apologize for getting angry and yelling at him but this didn't happen. My son just wanted to drop it and asked me to PLEASE not talk to dad about it as it would cause more drama for him.
I feel sick about it, sick for my son and also because I have gone thru this so many times myself, being yelled at or told off and then being further told off for taking offense. I know i am very sensitive to his comments and this is an issue between me and my husband. Maybe my husband is projecting our issues onto his son?
I spoke to a girlfriend about what happened and she said that it was child abuse.
Any ideas?
My husband was trying to concentrate on some online instructions he
was reading. Our 3 kids were I the room playing with Lego and
making a bit of noise. He tells them to please be quiet so he can concentrate( fair enough)
I went to have a shower and while in the shower I heard loud yelling. I got dressed and went out and asked what was going on. My husband was yelling at our youngest boy ( he is 9) at the top of his voice and had been slamming his hands on the table.
Apparently, after he told the kids to be quiet, our son continued to make noise, not deliberately but because he just didn't think.
His dad then starts to raise his voice at him. Our son is a bit fragile and has difficulty dealing with strong emotions, his strategy is to run off if he feels overwhelmed and calm down a bit
So he gets called back inside and gets yelled at and told that he is selfish
and that his problem was that he 'took offense' at his dad getting annoyed at him. That he had to grow up and realize that people will get angry and annoyed with him at times and he has to learn to deal with it. Now, while I can appreciate the truth in this, I just felt for my boy who was in tears because a grown man is yelling at him, what can he do?
He was then told that he needed to apologize for 'taking offense', which he did, even though he didn't understand or agree with it. Then the subject was dropped and not mentioned again
I asked my son about it later, got the whole story and his perspective. He felt that his dad was the one who should apologize for getting angry and yelling at him but this didn't happen. My son just wanted to drop it and asked me to PLEASE not talk to dad about it as it would cause more drama for him.
I feel sick about it, sick for my son and also because I have gone thru this so many times myself, being yelled at or told off and then being further told off for taking offense. I know i am very sensitive to his comments and this is an issue between me and my husband. Maybe my husband is projecting our issues onto his son?
I spoke to a girlfriend about what happened and she said that it was child abuse.
Any ideas?
Reading this situation completely reminded me of a MILLION days with my ex, berating and belittling my son, and my son saying whatever he had to say to get his father to calm down, and begging me not to say anything. It was sad and pathetic, and it's the reason that my only regret in leaving is that I didn't do it when my son was small, and he would have come with me no questions asked.
He's learning all the wrong things. How to deal with anger, how to treat the people who care about him, how his mother is defenseless against the abuser. He may at some point be angry at you for staying there...
I'm sorry. There is no good news in this. there is no way to make it stop, except to leave. It involves a lot of work, a lot of emotional trauma, but it is the only path that will eventually lead to a happy, full, rich life....Not leaving is setting up the cycle to continue.
Good luck, my prayers are with you. All the best to you.
me to talk thru some of our problems. I know everyone here is advising me to leave but it is so hard to do and I need to get myself in a place where I can make that decision. Thanks everyone for helping me work it through
Counseling is a BADDDDDDD idea with him. It will put him in the spot light for one, and he will love that. He will get furious at you for what you tell the counselor and take it out on you, or the kids...
I know it's hard to leave, Lord, do I know. I was married for 32 years....Finally, I thought, it will be hard to leave. I will have to be so strong to fight off the onslaught of emotions, and anger from him. But I won't have this, and nothing is worse for me, or my son. It was hard, but not as hard as staying. Because when you are fighting the abusers at least you are not living with them, at least you can come home to some peace of mind, and just peace. I am almost done, 4 years later. I am happy now, joyful even....and so is my son, for the first time in his life.
Your h has you so down now, I bet you sometimes think it IS your fault. I remember my ex saying I didn't support him, and finally I said, "NO I don't!!!! Give me something I CAN support and I will...." Dig down, reconnect with yourself, and find your strength within. Realize that life is meant to be joyful....
Hugs...
Being told that he was never an angry man before he met me. Do I need this?
is not totally warm and fuzzy and
made of hugs and softly spoken
commiserations. This
response is my personal
observation about life
with an abuser. ]]]]]]]
You wrote:
""""""""""""""""'' Does he honestly think it will make me change? """""""""""""""
Perhaps you already have.
Abuse changes us.
Every morning that we wake up
in an abusive household,
walk to the kitchen
and cook breakfast
our actions say
that whatever the abuser does
to us and our children
is acceptable.
The fact that we wake up
in an abusive household
morning after morning
implies
that whatever this is
it's somehow okay with us.
Because
if it weren't
why are we there?
Why do we wake up
in abuse,
walk to the kitchen
and cook breakfast?
Getting to the moment
of being able to leave
can be a long and agonizing process.
Once we have
we look back
and say:
My biggest regret
is having stayed
in abuse so long.
Every morning that we open our eyes
in the bedroom of abuse,
pull on a bathrobe,
walk to the kitchen
and cook breakfast
we have handed our abuser
an unimaginably precious
totally irreplaceable day
of our unique and
singular life.
Of course,
of course,
of course,
of COURSE
he was
an "angry" man before
he met you. He was
angry at some abuse
he felt was perpetrated
upon him. It's possible
that it really was.
But at that moment
of his being abused
he was powerless
to avenge that abuse.
The abuse left him angry.
And then he met you.
So now, he avenges
the abuse. He avenges
the long-ago abuse
upon those who are
now less powerful
than him.
His children really are
powerless against him.
You're only powerless
untill
you pack everyone's bag
and
escape.
BE POWERFUL.
We all
are really
breathtakingly powerful.
Let's all get up this morning
and cook
an abuse-free breakfast.
My husband has an older brother who bullied him unmercifully when he was growing up. Sounds like that brother was the apple of his mothers eye and could do no wrong, so he got away with it.
When he was 17, the brother had a breakdown and was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. My husband says his brother kicked and punched him and threatened to kill him. Also, his parents spent all their time trying to help his brother and my husband felt neglected.
His mother blamed herself for the brothers mental illness and became a victim of his abuse . He has hit and kicked her as well.
Later in life, his mum suffered a schizophrenic breakdown and has physically and verbally abused us ( we care for her full time)
I guess this is enough to make my husband angry..
I feel terrible that I have let my children grow up in an environment of anger and abuse. God give me wisdom and strength to know what to do
Does anyone think that confronting my husband will do any good. Perhaps an ultimatum? He is essentially a good man and is sorry for his anger but we keep letting him get away with it..
An essentially good man
doesn't abuse his family.
If he were sorry enough
about his anger to not
want it to happen again,
he would make sure
that it didn't happen again.
He hasn't done that.
Abusers may say they're sorry.
And talk is easy and cheap.
If they were sorry enough to
not abuse any more,
then they wouldn't
abuse anymore.
Re: confronting him:
Confronting him
will endanger you.
An ultimatum won't
fix this long term.
And ultimately. . . .
what do you want
with an abuser??????????
Even in your post, you are trying to blame yourself...."I'm very sensitive to his comments, this is an issue between me and my husband" "Is he projecting our issues onto his son?"
HE IS ABUSIVE.
Of course you are sensitive to his comments. He was supposed to love you and care for you and instead he attacks you, he picks at you, he criticizes you, he finds fault with you.
HE'S ABUSIVE!!!!!!!
He's not gonna change. Unless he gets worse. Your kids are already having to deal with his abuse, they already have scars that will take a long time to heal.
You need to give all of you....some space. A safe place where when you wake up in the morning, things are the same as last night when you went to bed.
They ALL have reasons to be angry. So he had a tough life. And now he's passing it on to his kids.....You can't do anything about his tough life, and he's gonna use it as an excuse to be mean and cruel and ABUSIVE the rest of his life.
But you CAN do something about your life, and more importantly, your kid's lives. And, you have a responsibility to your kids. One you need to step up and deal with.
You know what to do. You just have to get the strength to do it. Stay here, keep reading, keep posting. Keep learning. And start planning. You can do this.....you need to do this....