Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Please help, I just don't understand. My husband and I have been trying to talk thru some of the problems in our marriage. He says that I never initiate conversations and this tends to make him frustrated and angry so I thought I would try to start one. We had been talking about trust last week and I said I would think about what he said and get back to him. So I started by telling how I understand trust in a relationship. Before I know it the conversation has turned into an hour long lecture with him telling me AGAIN everything I ever did to him. It went something like this...
Him: the most important thing in my life is relationships and you don't understand this, you don't get me, you dont care, on and on, you, you, YOU....til I was in tears. I'm not saying this to hurt you but you,you,you.
I don't get it. Here's the man who is so about relationships,berating and accusing his wife til she feels like shit. Am I crazy? Am I too easy upset by this.. I have heard it over and over so many times but if I say this he gets angry and says I never listen to him. It feels so awful to stand there being accused. He says he is just saying how he feels but to me it feels scary and I feel like my heart is a helpless target.
He says that I have painted him as a bastard because I have told him how he has hurt me with his words. Apparently it is all my perception of him. I admit I have issues with trust and found it hard to open up and accept and trust him and this has really hurt him but he stiill does the things he does and it really hurts. I feel like I have had my heart, my self esteem and my confidence ripped up once again. Please, does anyone understand this?
Him: the most important thing in my life is relationships and you don't understand this, you don't get me, you dont care, on and on, you, you, YOU....til I was in tears. I'm not saying this to hurt you but you,you,you.
I don't get it. Here's the man who is so about relationships,berating and accusing his wife til she feels like shit. Am I crazy? Am I too easy upset by this.. I have heard it over and over so many times but if I say this he gets angry and says I never listen to him. It feels so awful to stand there being accused. He says he is just saying how he feels but to me it feels scary and I feel like my heart is a helpless target.
He says that I have painted him as a bastard because I have told him how he has hurt me with his words. Apparently it is all my perception of him. I admit I have issues with trust and found it hard to open up and accept and trust him and this has really hurt him but he stiill does the things he does and it really hurts. I feel like I have had my heart, my self esteem and my confidence ripped up once again. Please, does anyone understand this?
If this is nothing like how you feel
(and it's obviously not. . . . you say
that you feel like your heart is a
helpless target!. . . . . . . . )
then this is not the place for you.
Even if we said absolutely nothing bad
about this man as a husband, we would
have to conclude that he is not a
loving partner for you.
In my educated opinion, everything you've
described is an emotionally abusive person
perpetrating emotional abuse upon you
and in your relationship and your marriage.
What do you want for yourself
and the rest of your life?
How do you feel when you envision
enduring this kind of pain over the
course of the next month, the next year,
the next twenty years?
Are you crazy?
Not yet.
But living with abuse can make us ill.
You wrote:
I feel like I have had my heart, my self esteem and my confidence ripped up once again.
Hon. . . . . . .
Love yourself.
Take care of yourself.
You're healthy not to trust
an emotional abuser.
Trust YOURSELF.
LOVE YOURSELF.
Love is about feeling safe and understood and cherished.
LOVE YOURSELF.
In my educated opinion, everything you've
described is an emotionally abusive person
perpetrating emotional abuse upon you
and in your relationship and your marriage.
What do you want for yourself
and the rest of your life?
Also, what I am seeing here is that when you talk to him, you say how things make you feel (appropriate communication), while he tells you how you think and what you do wrong (inappropriate communication).
I think that sometimes relationship problems CAN be largely one-sided, when there is abuse, and from what you describe, your problems are largely one-sided - on his side. He is not willing to take responsibility for anything that he has done to hurt you, he is not willing to take responsibility for any of the problems in the relationship at all, it's all down to you. My ex was the same. He would beat me, cheat on me, lie to me and worse - and yet, the problems were all my fault, all down to me. One of the more insane things he said to me was when I asked in frustration when he was EVER going to stop lying to me. He told me he'd stop lying to me when I started trusting him. Huh? I have to trust him BEFORE he's honest with me?
You cannot reason with these guys, you cannot win. The ONLY way to win is by refusing to play their sick twisted game.
He knows he is hurting you, and he either gets off on it or just doesn't care. Either way, he's not good for you. Either way, you deserve a LOT better. You deserve someone who loves you and cares for you and never wants to hurt you or see you hurt. And you need to start by being that person for yourself.