Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
For a couple of years I believe I had been the victim of emotional abuse. It largely started because my stepdaughter had a lot of anger towards me and my wife has always been so defensive of her that this led to extreme behaviours. For over a couple of years I was not allowed in the same room at mealtimes as my wife to eat because my stepdaughter did not want me there. I was not even allowed in the kitchen if she wanted to go in there, even to get a glass of water! If I did, my stepdaughter would scream and tell my wife I was intimidating her or some other story, and my wife would send me downstairs to the bedroom and tell me to stay there as I had upset her daughter. These are just a few things apart from I was never allowed to have a friend over to the house or even watch anything I wanted to on TV in the living room - my wife said I had a laptop computer so if I wanted to watch something I could watch it somewhere else and shouldn't complain (she says none of these things were abusive and got angry with me for suggesting it - so now I'm just not sure if they are or I just overreact by getting upset)
Between last May to July we were not allowed to talk in the house because my stepdaughter was studying a lot - a couple of times I said something and my stepdaughter came downstairs screaming telling me she wanted to kill me. My wife was angry with me and told me to go downstairs, which I did but was extremely upset.
In August my stepdaughter threatened to kill me and held a knife to me, which even though my wife was in the room, she refuses to acknowledge that her daughter had a knife and says I was the cause of it because I was angry with her for being rude to her. She made me move out for a couple of weeks and when I came back she made me stay in the bedroom for 4 weeks if my stepdaughter was in the house - she said if I wanted to get food or drink I should go out to get it from a shop. One day she told me that her daughter had had a dream that I attacked her and on the same day she left her computer open with a message to a friend saying that she had spoken with her daughter and I was going to have to move out.
When I said I thought this was abusive she went crazy with me and told told me and my son that I had threatened her.
One evening she told me the relationship was over and I had 10 minutes to take some things and move out. For some reason I did this and ended up being homeless for several weeks. She now says she didn't chuck me out or make me homeless and that I should take responsibility for my actions as it was my fault.
I now have somewhere to live but she is stopping me see my son much. When I try to say my son wants to spend more time with me and we need to share the time more she gets angry and tells me I see him enough. I don't want my son to grow up in a separated family, and my wife says the only way to not be divorced is that she will make a list of things I need to change if there is to be any hope about being together - although several weeks since she said she would do this she says she has been too busy to write it, although one thing is not to push her about seeing our son more. Any time I try to ask her for time to talk about things she gets angry and says she is too busy and if I try to make conditions or push her I haven't learned anything and show that I don't listen to her.
I'm really worried about weeks and weeks passing without proper access to my son and don't know what to do. I have been hoping she might calm down at some point and be more open to communicating and resolving things, but I'm also thinking I should go to court to try to get custody of my son as he is not happy. But I'm also aware if this goes wrong it could cost me all my money and leave me in a worse situation - ie seeing him less!
My wife had had a psychotic episode about 2 years ago and was sectioned for a couple of weeks and I partly thought her behaviours might be something to do with this, but I just don't know.
She is so adamant I overreacted to everything and I caused all the problems (for example she says frequently that her daughter is justified to being rude to me because I never earned her respect) and that I am out of control that I have been feeling really bad about myself and find it difficult to go on sometimes. I just don't feel the way I have been treated is good, but I feel I really need to know that her actions are not acceptable rather than my interpreting them as being that way.
I'm really struggling and am hoping for some ideas that might help me get through this! Thank you
Between last May to July we were not allowed to talk in the house because my stepdaughter was studying a lot - a couple of times I said something and my stepdaughter came downstairs screaming telling me she wanted to kill me. My wife was angry with me and told me to go downstairs, which I did but was extremely upset.
In August my stepdaughter threatened to kill me and held a knife to me, which even though my wife was in the room, she refuses to acknowledge that her daughter had a knife and says I was the cause of it because I was angry with her for being rude to her. She made me move out for a couple of weeks and when I came back she made me stay in the bedroom for 4 weeks if my stepdaughter was in the house - she said if I wanted to get food or drink I should go out to get it from a shop. One day she told me that her daughter had had a dream that I attacked her and on the same day she left her computer open with a message to a friend saying that she had spoken with her daughter and I was going to have to move out.
When I said I thought this was abusive she went crazy with me and told told me and my son that I had threatened her.
One evening she told me the relationship was over and I had 10 minutes to take some things and move out. For some reason I did this and ended up being homeless for several weeks. She now says she didn't chuck me out or make me homeless and that I should take responsibility for my actions as it was my fault.
I now have somewhere to live but she is stopping me see my son much. When I try to say my son wants to spend more time with me and we need to share the time more she gets angry and tells me I see him enough. I don't want my son to grow up in a separated family, and my wife says the only way to not be divorced is that she will make a list of things I need to change if there is to be any hope about being together - although several weeks since she said she would do this she says she has been too busy to write it, although one thing is not to push her about seeing our son more. Any time I try to ask her for time to talk about things she gets angry and says she is too busy and if I try to make conditions or push her I haven't learned anything and show that I don't listen to her.
I'm really worried about weeks and weeks passing without proper access to my son and don't know what to do. I have been hoping she might calm down at some point and be more open to communicating and resolving things, but I'm also thinking I should go to court to try to get custody of my son as he is not happy. But I'm also aware if this goes wrong it could cost me all my money and leave me in a worse situation - ie seeing him less!
My wife had had a psychotic episode about 2 years ago and was sectioned for a couple of weeks and I partly thought her behaviours might be something to do with this, but I just don't know.
She is so adamant I overreacted to everything and I caused all the problems (for example she says frequently that her daughter is justified to being rude to me because I never earned her respect) and that I am out of control that I have been feeling really bad about myself and find it difficult to go on sometimes. I just don't feel the way I have been treated is good, but I feel I really need to know that her actions are not acceptable rather than my interpreting them as being that way.
I'm really struggling and am hoping for some ideas that might help me get through this! Thank you
I went for a therapy session with my wife, but she won't acknowledge anything other than blame me for my 'behaviour' and said she agreed to have therapy originally so she could make sure I was dealing with my issues and not for me to try to get sympathy from a therapist by telling my story.
She did say though that she still loves me and had always been open to the possibility of getting back together. Clearly my son would want this as the best option, however I see no behaviours that back up what she says and I'm really worried that if this did happen I would be controlled even further.
My biggest dilemna is that going to court could take half a year, during which time I think there is a strong possibility that my wife would try to stop me seeing my son. If we continued to go to therapy I would hope there is a possibility for her to be open to me spending more time with my son and also acknowledging that we all need to look at our behaviours rather than just blame each other and hopefully have some awareness of the effects of the controlling behaviour and that it is inappropriate. However, maybe I'm just living with my head 'in the clouds' and thinking something could happen that never will.
Also the longer I wait the more a court might see that my son is used to the situation he is in and that it shouldn't be changed.
Both choices could end up taking ages and have no certain outcome.
When I ask my wife to arrange a time to discuss trying to sort things out she gets angry with me and won't talk to me. She has told me already that I am not to ask her about arrangements with my son unless she says it is ok to do so, and she never will agree to. I feel totally controlled and powerless and really hopeless at times. I just don't know how to make a decision about what to do - no choice seems good! For my son I feel I should look at really trying the therapy route with my wife, but the longer I leave things the worse the situation could get with regards to custody with my son and I don't know if this route really has any hope anyway!
The thing that is my biggest challenge now is that I feel really bad that he hasn’t got his family together. I also feel bad that it must be really sad for his mum that he doesn’t want to see her. She’s continually said that reconciliation is not impossible, however although she keeps promising to meet to talk, for the last 16 months she says she is always too busy to meet. Sometimes she is really nice to me and then other times really aggressive, which I find difficult. Trying to sort out arrangements with her is always difficult as usually when I call she says she is too busy to talk and to phone back, but it is always the same response. At least with my son living with me those arrangements will be a little easier.
However I haven’t slept well for about 3 years and wake up with bad dreams. Sometimes I feel it is all too overwhelming. It somehow feels worse because I feel I spent years in the marriage putting off really having a life believing that one day we’d be happy together. After we were married I’d so wanted to go on a honeymoon but my wife said not until her daughter was older and I’d booked an amazing holiday but the break up happened before we went on it.
It feels like having her love me is really important, although thinking back I can’t think of any time she was nice to me, which makes it all the more confusing. I even remember times like when I cut myself really badly and she wouldn’t take me to the hospital because she had to make dinner for the kids, so I ended up getting there by bus and lost quite a lot of blood. It might sound random, but it just feels so confusing and upsetting that at some level I believe she loves me as she has said that, but her actions are totally the opposite.
I can’t afford counselling, although I know it would be really useful. I’m just looking for a process to move past these really bad feelings. It sort of feels like I’m addicted to the thought that we could have a loving relationship again, even though logically I know this probably wouldn’t happen.
I’m really struggling with this still, so appreciate any thoughts.
Thank you
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/understanding-narcissism/201801/why-is-it-so-hard-leave-the-narcissist-in-your-life