This is so crazy on sooooo many levels.
Holding a knife to you?
Yelling at you from upstairs because you dared speaking downstairs?
Making you move out of the bedroom?

And then, the classic "you made me do it". If everyone on this board had a penny for every time an abuser said that...we would all be rich!

Do you have any social support system, anyone you can talk to? Are there other people familiar with your situation?
And you need to do what you need to do to protect your son, because she will use him to make things more difficult for you, regardless of his feelings. That's just how abusers operate.

This isn't you, and there is no logic to their madness. Especially that she had a psychiatric period...with the abusive behavior. Yep, major red flag.

Take care, I'm sorry that you have to be in this situation. We understand, and there are a lot of us experiencing similar things.

Thanks for your reply. I have told people but my wife has convinced her family and friends that I have behaved in awful ways, which even though I know these things didn't happen at some level it makes me question my sanity!
I just find it so hard to accept that someone intelligent who used to seem caring would be so cold and nasty to me unless at some level it was my fault! Logically I know the situation isn't right, but my heart doesn't seem to accept it (if that makes sense). It really helps to talk on this forum - my parents both died over the last few years and I have no family left now, who are the people I would have turned to in the past - the relationship I was in basically meant closing off most of my social contact as I couldn't have friends over and was made to feel guilty about going out. I feel quite pathetic writing this!
It was really difficult this Christmas being on my own and not having contact with my son - I want to make sure this year is better and build up a new social network.

So so sorry. You HAVE been a victim of emotional abuse, by both your wife and daughter. And they each own responsibility for it.There are lots of knowledgeable people here who will give you good direction. As for me, I would direct you to read up on the Narcissist. Your wife sounds so similar to my soon to be ex ....classic behavior, reinventing reality , blaming, and some real crazymaking. Controlling behavior ( "you are not allowed")makes you feel like a kid, doesn't it?....giving permission to have friends over! You try and talk and she turns it back on you and threatens you instead of being grateful that you want to communicate! I also don't want my kids to grow up in a separated family, but one person cannot make a marriage work. How old is your son?

My son is 10. He really wants to stay with me and we have equal parental responsibility so legally he could, however when I went to collect my son one time because he wanted me to, my wife grabbed hold of him and called the police. They just asked me to leave so as not to cause my son distress as I had done nothing wrong, however they couldn't help me.
My wife/ex lets me see him 3 or 4 days every 2 weeks, but previously I almost totally looked after him and it is not good for him or me.
You are totally describing what happens - I try to talk to my wife and try to just say that our son isn't happy and it would be good to sort things out better and arrange regular contact and she gets angry with me saying that I haven't learned anything and don't listen to her! But it is her who is not listening to me or my son! I even managed to get her to a relationship therapist who basically said this to her, but she didn't seem to register anything said about her behaviour, only seemed to interpret things to support her which were basically things that she said to the therapist anyway.
I really think she believes everything she says about me - she doesn't act like she is just making it up, which is why at some level I feel I need to go along with what she is saying in case she is delusional and maybe will come out of the delusions if she can begin to trust me again - she says repeatedly that she can't trust me.
All her behaviours for some time seem to be her treating me as a 'naughty' child - even her keeping saying how I have behaved badly. The therapist pointed this out, but she didn't acknowledge it. I hoped the therapy would help, but every time I tried to say my experience she got really angry and said to the therapist I kept telling my story just to get sympathy because I like being a victim. The thing is I hate being a victim and if it wasn't for my son I'd just have nothing to do with her. But my son really loves both of us and every decision I have been making seems to make things worse!

Okay, trying to isolate you, is an other very classic example of abusive behavior. Also, using your son to control the situation, although in the past you were the ones taking care of him, now she switched, regardless of the feeling of your child.
Now, if you tried couples therapy, don't!!! There are many here who have the facts on why joined therapy with an abuser is the last thing you want to do. Believe it or not, you got "lucky" by her getting "just" angry. In other cases they will use anything they learn in therapy and use it against you, and it I not uncommon that the therapist will turn against you as well. It has happened to me...
At least you are separated now, and on the way to a better life. Your child will be used as an object in this sick game of manipulation, and somehow you have to take a stand to protect him. If you have the legal right to shared custody, he needs to spend more time with you than with her, especially that in the past you were the one taking care of him. The more time he spends with her, the more he will be exposed to manipulation.
I'm sorry. But at least you don't live in that toxic environment anymore.

I am so sorry you have been so horribly abused and your son is being used as a pawn like this.

Let me suggest another avenue you may not have explored yet. You said your wife had a psychotic break a couple of years ago? There are many reasons why someone can experience a psychotic episode, but two of the most common reasons I can think of is schizophrenia or bipolar. If she has this diagnosis, and she has been prescribed medications is it possible she's stopped taking them, or they stopped working and what you may be looking at is another psychotic episode. Let me say, mental health issues are no excuse for abuse-but what I am suggesting is that if she is experiencing another psychotic episode it's possible she could deteriorate to the point that your son would be in danger. Also, there is a genetic component to certain psychiatric conditions which could make it more likely that your step daughter could suffer from the same illness, late teens is when it may start to show up.

My advise is to call the crisis line and see what your options may be to explore this issue. Your son may not be in a safe placing living with his mother and sister, with serious mental health issues, untreated.

Your story sounds so crazy, no wonder you say you've questioned your own sanity. But you're in the right place here, because many of us know the reality of the kind of stuff you're going through. That list of changes that never seems to get made, and the hate you receive by trying to stand up for what you believe is right, those are incredibly hurtful things that I have also experienced. With an abuser, you can't win.

I can't help but feel that your step-daughter is unwell by what you've shared. Your wife and her daughter have made it clear that they want a change from you, but it sounds as if they've blocked every opportunity for you to try. This is NOT normal and definitely not okay.

While I am sure that you care about your family, for your son's sake it is good to keep in mind that it's better he comes from a broken home than still living in one. I don't have experience in the custody side of leaving this kind of relationship, but I do know it's best that you find out what your options are for your son as soon as you can. The environment living with your wife is not healthy for him.

I suggest recording ALL interactions you have with your wife and stepdaughter using a small, easily concealed audio recording device. Make sure that you keep all the recordings in a safe place where they will not look or find them. If you live with them at all still it may also be helpful to invest in a discreet nannycam of some sort that doesn't look out of place and can be set up discreetly in a location where it is most likely to film major outbursts.

This type of evidence is VITAL if you go to court for custody of your son or even just file for divorce. Family courts are notoriously biased against fathers/husbands and you will need plenty of evidence to show how unstable/dangerous/abusive your wife and stepdaughter are.

Thanks for all your responses. Is it normal to really miss someone and want to be with someone even when they have treated you badly? I keep feeling such a massive sense of sadness at not being with my wife.
She wrote me out a set of terms if we were to ever have a chance of a relationship again - I thought I would copy it below - I suppose I just want to make sure it is not me making a big deal of things which I have been told I have been for some time:

I did not make you homeless. It was clear that you had to leave Sussex Way as you were not happy and you were in a state of upset and agitation that was ongoing and worsening. Your unhappy state was having a negative impact on the whole family.
Consciously or unconsciously you were threatening and unable to control your behaviour or emotions. You must take responsibility for this, and you taking responsibility is a key thing for me and is not negotiable. You were not in a fit state at the time to see this or to understand and hear the priest when he explained that the right and decent thing was for you to move out of the house.
I made this very clear in our counselling session on 29th August.
We should work out how to sort this out as a family going forward. The children are now able to have a relationship without the background stress that your behaviour was causing. Their relationship is very important and should be supported and encouraged by both of us.
You need to set things straight that I have no mental health issues and clean this up with anyone you have spoken to. The doctor had no concerns in this regard as you have implied or said to people; this is your fabrication and has upset me deeply. Make sure you never talk about this again, I find this wholly unacceptable. If you have any concerns, you should discuss them with me. Do not talk behind my back or undermine my relationships with other people in this way.
I want financial disclosure as if for divorce, to see accounts, see what money is coming in. I also want to go back through years of marriage and see the accounts.
I want to settle and agree finances fairly from the past and going forward.
I do not want you to say if we divorce Ill be worse off as you have said; I consider this to be threatening and indeed makes me want to be clear of you.
I am looking to you to demonstrate that you are able to deal with the finances without tit for tat. I want to see if you can put yourself last not first. This to me is what you do for people you really love, to put their wellbeing and interest before your own self interest.
Likewise, if I need help or support I do not want it to be conditional.
I want you to remove your posessions from Sussex Way (and sort them out as and when you want) as a matter of urgency.
I want you to demonstrate that you are able to do things unconditionally; it always occurs that I ask for something and you then try to exert a condition, if I do this I want this.
For the arrangements with G I want to continue with every other weekend and one night in the interim week and I dont want you to keep persisting in trying to change this. It is very important to me that you trust me in this matter. I am sure there will be times when we adjust this and can be flexible over the arrangements but to please take this as the overall guide. I will take on planning more in advance so we all know the arrangements more in advance.



To put things straight with G
He is doing very well and I feel the pressure from you is quite destabilising for him. I am sure there will be times when we adjust this and can be flexible over the

Well, WOW, hmmmm....

I don't know about some of the specific things she's talking about-that are clearly between the two of you, and makes her letter confusing to me, but I was made uncomfortable by the overall tone-which I did not detect a shred of love or hope to reconcile-which makes me wonder what the real motivation is behind the letter-if you know what I mean. And there are some real red flags indicating abuse.

This whole thing makes me nervousness for you...."Your unhappy state was having a negative impact on the whole family.
Consciously or unconsciously you were threatening and unable to control your behavior or emotions. You must take responsibility for this, and you taking responsibility is a key thing for me and is not negotiable. You were not in a fit state at the time to see this or to understand and hear the priest when he explained that the right and decent thing was for you to move out of the house."

I don't understand what she wants you to take responsibility for...it's very vague and not constructive. How can you not do it again if she doesn't even say what it is you did? When my bf and I need to hash something out we are clear about what it is and how it made us feel, and what can be done instead-that's how people get to the bottom of issues. Otherwise, you may just get set up for failure or a lose/lose. I don't know if this made more sense to you than it did to me.....

THIS IN PARTICULAR is a red flag for me....... "You need to set things straight that I have no mental health issues and clean this up with anyone you have spoken to. The doctor had no concerns in this regard as you have implied or said to people; this is your fabrication and has upset me deeply. Make sure you never talk about this again, I find this wholly unacceptable. If you have any concerns, you should discuss them with me. Do not talk behind my back or undermine my relationships with other people in this way."

This sounds very controlling and a little weird to me, but maybe there is something I just don't get. You said she got sectioned for several weeks.....people don't just get sectioned for no reason! They must be a danger to themselves or someone else. And it's also very traumatic for everyone involved-the person who is hospitalized and their loved ones and support network. Even if she is successful in recovering from whatever mental health issue put her there-it sounds like she wants to pretend that it never happened, and that is completely unfair to you. No one wants to be treated like a diagnosis, but at the same time it would be natural for you to have some vigilance about it happening again, or being concerned about it, or need to process it. She should never tell you what you can or can't say to other people, THAT is controlling-not only that but she wants to you say you LIED about it. Is demanding it, actually. Do you think she is so adamant about this because she is afraid you may bring it up to get more parenting time or relate it to custody issues?

This statement "I want to see if you can put yourself last not first. This to me is what you do for people you really love, to put their wellbeing and interest before your own self interest."

Nope, people who really love each other find ways for both partner's to have their needs met, healthy relationships are equal, they try to create "win/win" scenarios for each other!

"Likewise, if I need help or support I do not want it to be conditional...I want you to demonstrate that you are able to do things unconditionally; it always occurs that I ask for something and you then try to exert a condition, if I do this I want this."

Sounds very much like she does not want you to have any needs, she just wants to say jump and you to say how high. She wants you to be the giver and she will be the taker-with no questions asked. Again-healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, OF COURSE if someone gives they want their partner to give back, that is only natural-otherwise relationships are co-dependent, and both people end up resenting each other.

None of this makes sense to me (it actually sounds like some of the BS my ex used to try and say to me whenever he wanted to change the parenting schedule as outlined in our divorce decree......"For the arrangements with G I want to continue with every other weekend and one night in the interim week and I dont want you to keep persisting in trying to change this. It is very important to me that you trust me in this matter. I am sure there will be times when we adjust this and can be flexible over the arrangements but to please take this as the overall guide. I will take on planning more in advance so we all know the arrangements more in advance."

I bet she wants YOU to be flexible when she decides she doesn't think you should see your son and not that she plans to be flexible with you.

I know this is not a letter filled with name calling, and threats, but what I hear is a very controlling woman-who has no intention of reconciling. I hear her demanding and manipulating things from you to put her in the position she wants for the divorce.

Yes, it is VERY normal to still want to be with someone who does not treat you well, but I don't think she is invested in this relationship, and for you to be so very invested, and her not to be-is that what you really want?

The strange thing is just as there doesn't seem any love in the letter, for the last few years when we were together she seemed really quite emotionless towards me even though she told me she loved me. She says I am the cause of all the trouble, which is what she is wanting me to take responsibility for - when I was locked out the house, it was after I had that morning said to my wife I was going to go to the kitchen in the morning and not stay closed in the bedroom. She said to a friend of mine how I was not acting in the best interests of the children and had said I can go and do what I want in the house - I had been advised by the priest she is talking about her to ignore her and just go up to the kitchen and living room, which is what I did. I think she must have told the priest some story about me being out of control, because I don't understand why he did say it was a decent thing to do to leave the house. I had previously asked the priest for advice about what to do, but after my wife spoke with him he started saying he found it hard to believe the things I said if they were true because why would anyone stay in the relationship if those things happened to them. This makes me more worried that a court wouldn't believe me if I try to get custody of my son - but I stayed mainly for my son because I wanted him to have his mum and dad together as a family!
I thought it was better to put up with things if he could have his family together and now I feel really guilty that I didn't just stay in the room downstairs because I have broken up his family and now he is really sad because he isn't allowed to see me much.
In her letter she also mixed up things that didn't happen in the timescale she is talking about.
My son has said he wants me to do anything I can to have him live with me, but I know if I start court proceedings my wife will stop me seeing him until it is finished, and then if it goes badly I might be stopped from seeing him by her - she stopped her daughter seeing her father for 13 years even though the court said she should see him! I thought her ex-partner was dangerous because of things she had told me, but now she is saying similar things about me!
I'm also worried because she is threatening to be able to take most of what I own from a divorce (in the letter what she says about my saying she would be worse off was my saying that we are both worse off financially being separate and not being able to share the bills) - I really feel if I don't go along with what she says I risk losing my son and also being able to afford anywhere to live!
It is also possible things would go more in my favour and my son would live more with me and she wouldn't be able to ruin me financially, but it feels so much like she has been able to control everything else I just feel so worried that she'll put me in a bad situation! I know I probably sound like I'm making myself a victim, but it worries me so much I can't sleep properly at night!

If you'd stayed in that basement all the time, what you would show your son is that it's okay be be abused, you did the right thing for your son by not being in a situation where he learns abuse is okay. Sometimes the right thing to do is very difficult. Your son is clearly struggling, and asking for your help to get out of a situation where I can only assume he is, at least, not comfortable in.

If your wife has a court order to let you see your son, how is it that she could stop you? I know in my state I can call the cops, have a copy of my divorce degree, and my ex would be in BIG trouble for trying to stop me from seeing my daughter when he had visitation.

Also, in my state it's a no-fault divorce and there is a simple mathematical equations they use to determine alimony, child support, it's cut and dry so no one can soak the other party. Have you talked to a lawyer? Can you afford one? Knowing divorce laws would really help you feel a little calmer and know what your options are, may be alleviate some of these worries.

You do NOT "sound like a victim" (that sounds like something you're wife put in your head) in the way I think you mean it, these are the perfectly legitimate concerns of anyone going through what you are going threw.

Thank you - your reply is really great. It is so amazing you knew that my wife has been telling me I am being a victim - I have been told it so much.
I probably wasn't clear in my message - there isn't a court order in place for my son - there was a suggested contact order for my stepdaughter and her father, but my wife didn't follow it. Her father tried to impose it, however the court costs clearly became too high and he eventually gave up when my wife kept ignoring letters.
My biggest concern is that if the court believes what my wife says and not what I say - if that happens I could be in a worse situation regarding contact! They apparently take largely into account what the child says - my son tells me he wants to live with me, but he also said he is worried about saying some of the things that have happened in case his mum finds out and is angry with him. I feel he is going to be in such a difficult situation that really isn't fair for him! Hopefully he will feel he can speak out.
Also, when my wife gets a letter from the court, she probably will keep my son from seeing me and it can take months for the court proceedings to happen. Difficult for my son and me and hopefully my wife won't be able to 'persuade' my son to say what she wants him to!

You really, really need to talk to someone knowledgeable in divorce law. I could tell you my experiences but you are in a totally different country (I think) and so it wouldn't help you.

You need reality checking about her behavior, you need to know you are not a victim or all the other things she says about you, that you and your son deserve better, you need to vent, you need support, strength, someone who knows what you're going through, I'm here 100%, lots of members are, but to answer a lot of the questions that are keeping you up at night and making decisions hard you need a lawyer. Have you talked to one yet? Can you afford one?

I agree that you MUST contact a lawyer or 3 and get some advice in all of this.

There are also "mens rights" groups that can aid you. I'm female, but acknowledge that there is a need for men's rights when it comes to issues such as child custody. Far too many assume that the mother is the de facto "best parent", but as your story tells, that's no necessarily the case.

You have been seriously disrespected/abused by you "wife" and "stepdaughter". I'd be making lists of every darn thing they've ever done, and be ready to use it as a reason why you son is not safe with these "man haters".

& of course her prior mental instability should come into play when it comes to parenting a young male and she has such a hard time with males to begin with. Her very demeanor with you screams "insanity", IMHO.

But she sure does still want your $$$, doesn't she? & you're not to say a word, or you're the bad guy?!? Really???

You've started to save yourself. Now get ready to get in the ring and save your son, too!

You're NOT a "victim" anymore. You're a "survivor". Keep up the good work! :)

TC! Best wishes for you and your boy!

{{hugz}}