I'm praying for you. I'm praying that you find and are given the strength to feel these feelings and this loss without going back to before... remember how bad things were and the times you felt unloved and uncared for. how much you hurt because of what he did. think of the things that he did that made you angry and upset. that made you feel walked over. the times when you had to be careful what you said, or were scared of how he was going to react. have you ever found you couldn't do something because he controlled you, or that you lost friends, money, hobbies, self confidence because of what he did.

Please, I pray that you remember all of those things because, they will be the things that keep you safe and help you to choose your self over him. Twelve years have ended and I am so so so sorry that this has happened. but in time, it will become easier to bear as you see little things that come out in the future which will help you to find new life again. Right now those twelve years fel like the only thing you had... in the future those twelve years will feel like the thing that you wished you hadn't had. but it will have made you stronger.

we're all here for you but remember that going back could well make things worse because all of the problems wouldn't just go away. keep posting and keep praying and grieving and talking to us here. Hugs and love.

Have you journalled any of the bad things? Have you written them anywhere? If so, please re-read them and remember. If not, then spend some time working on remembering, and writing them down so that you will have them for next time.

What you are feeling is perfectly natural and normal. It is in our nature to remember the good stuff and minimise or forget the bad. But it's also dangerous. You know well enough that it was not your fault, but you are still hearing his voice in your head that tells you everything is your fault.

Please take care of yourself. That will also help. Try to do things that make you feel good - especially if they were things that you were "not allowed" to do before.

You can get through this, and you will be happier and stronger than before.

hi,all of us have weak momemnts and self doubt.we go over things in our heads and change the outcome.we change the outcome to how we "wish"things would have turned out.sorta like wishful daydreaming.sometimes our sense of reality gets distorted.and also ,i think our emotions are soooo strong that it kinda pulls us back towards these people.dont forget,there was something there with this man,something that you loved about him in the beginning,that bonded you with him.of course,as time went on,and you got abused by him,you think that tie would have become unbroken.i know woman are programmed differently.probably due to the fact that we bear children we have a deeper connection with loved ones.even if the loved one hurted us repeatedly.i think it's just normal for you and alot of people,either in lonely,or doubtful moments to forget.but don't you worry,there will soon be enough,something that pops up and makes you remember his abuse. have a beautiful day.your in my thoughts too!

confused ------

I'm sorry for the distress you're feeling.

You asked:

I am having a hard time remembering all the bad things... why does that happen?

If you want some answers to that question, you might look at:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/9748801-nature-intimate-other

If you want to learn how to help yourself remember the abuse so you can stay detached from your abuser, search Ilene's Index Card exercise in the DS archives or Google Ilene's Index Card exercise.

There are ways out of the confusion. To get to those paths,
we have to put one foot in front of the other and walk ourselves
out towards the light. Prayer is a wonderful resource. After
prayer, action is generally required.

I'll pray for your safety and well-being.
I'll also pray that you implement some of the steps
that will bring you out of confusion and distress to
healing, recovery and well-being.

Take good care.

Here's the address of the Index Card exercise:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/8527581-index-cards

wow thank you all so much... you all gave such awesome advice and i am going to folllow through. Today i feel stronger. My heartache usually is the worst at nite, when i allow myself to think too much. My goal for today is to write a list of how things were before( i had no life!) and how awful it was being in that environment.... i am thankful for you all.. thank you so much from, the bottom of my heart

confused:
Please don't blame yourself for not making your relationship "work"-(sounds like a blessing in disguise-your relationship probably wasn't healthy,anyway!). It is more important to treat yourself well,and to take care of yourself. I hope that you are getting counseling,because counseling has helped me a great deal in coping with all that has happened to me-(molestation,injuries from an atuo accident,etc.)!! Good luck,and it WILL GET BETTER!!

Tom B. aka Ihman

Dear, I hope this helps: I recently realized that I need very desperately for my abusive husband to want me/love me/ validate me/ be my man. It's not even that I love him so much, but like you I gloss over the bad stuff because I just want his approval and love so bad.

Honestly, it has nothing to do with you loving him. It is that you want his love and approval... see the difference?

Sending you so much love... I know this is hard.

Hello. I wanted to offer up some advice that I received when I first joined about remembering and staying away. I was advised to get a stack of flash cards and write each incident on a flash card. Then when I couldn't remember anymore I asked my mom and sister who remembered a lot more than I ever did. So then I wrote down those things to. In the end I have about 40 note cards of things that he's done to me and my children. It helps to re-read them when I want to contact him.

I found this quote today and maybe you can relate:

"What you need to know about the PAST is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very MOMENT. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now. ~Author Unknown

You deserve to be happy, healthy, and have unconditional love.

:), Vanessa