Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I really think that lleneW's suggestion to do an index card exercise is really great...
(I hope you won't mind me re-posting your description of it for everyone lleneW.)
I copied and pasted it into my email ages ago..I think it is SO good and so helpful.....I just saw it mentioned a few times here today..and thought others might like the full description of how to do it as previously posted here by you...
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE PER CARD. One category are
things that are larger categories of
abuse. . . . . such as:
retaliates with the silent treatment
calls me ugly names
tells me his abusive comments are "a joke"
These are just examples; these cards,
ONE ITEM PER CARD ---- are whatever YOUR
abuser does.
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
has hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
EVERY TIME you can think of. If something
hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable or
brought you DIScomfort, it gets a card. (This
might be witnessing your abuser being disrespectful
to others.)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself, "Oh
that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
DON'T NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't do this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you, wherever you go. If you think
of something, write it down. Continue to
fill out new cards as long as instances
keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Think about trips you took.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if He used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence of why you
broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack.
You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment.
However long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
for the romance that never lasted in
real life.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Ilene "
(I hope you won't mind me re-posting your description of it for everyone lleneW.)
I copied and pasted it into my email ages ago..I think it is SO good and so helpful.....I just saw it mentioned a few times here today..and thought others might like the full description of how to do it as previously posted here by you...
Buy several packs of index cards.
You will write individual items
that fall into one of two categories
----- ONE PER CARD. One category are
things that are larger categories of
abuse. . . . . such as:
retaliates with the silent treatment
calls me ugly names
tells me his abusive comments are "a joke"
These are just examples; these cards,
ONE ITEM PER CARD ---- are whatever YOUR
abuser does.
The second category of cards, will be a
brief phrase that recounts ONE instance
of what your abuser has done, over the
course of your relationship. So these
cards will hold ---- ONE INSTANCE PER
CARD ----- individual times your abuser
has hurt you ----- big or small ----- anything
confusing or that leaves you feeling like you
were spun around.
EVERY TIME you can think of. If something
hurt you or made you feel uncomfortable or
brought you DIScomfort, it gets a card. (This
might be witnessing your abuser being disrespectful
to others.)
DO NOT edit yourself telling yourself, "Oh
that was nothing. It didn't hurt much."
DON'T NOT give it a card, if it came into
your mind!!!!!!! DON'T censor yourself.
You won't do this exercise all at once.
Carry some cards in your purse or pocket
with you, wherever you go. If you think
of something, write it down. Continue to
fill out new cards as long as instances
keep coming to mind.
Ways to make the categories complete:
For the individual instances category:
Look over the large categories to help you
remember individual times.
Look at photographs.
Look at day planners and diaries.
Think about trips you took.
Ask friends and families what they remember
about your abuser.
Listen to music.
Meditate with your perfume if you use perfume
or his cologne if He used fragrance (or her perfume).
Visit places you were together a lot.
Make a meal you often made, for the two of you.
Put on an outfit that you liked, which he didnt or
an outfit or article of clothing upon which he insisted.
For the large categories:
Go through the individual cards and divide
them into the larger categories. After doing
this is there a category appearing for which
you dont have a large category card.
There are a lot of reasons why doing this
at the time of a break up, will help you
keep moving forward.
Later on, when you need reminding, the evidence of why you
broke up, is there, in black and white.
When you wake up from a dream of how great
it was and how much you miss him, pull out
the stack.
You can either roll straight
through the stack, and remind yourself that
all these instances are really just the tip
of the iceberg of how bad it really felt.
Or you can go through card by card, and
slowly and deliberately, put yourself
back into each painful moment.
However long you spend on doing this, long or
short, you'll be able to counter the
bittersweet dream feelings of missing
for the romance that never lasted in
real life.
Let me know if you have any questions.
Ilene "
Thank you for reposting Von, and Ilene, this is an awesome exercise that works!
It helps in true healing, & not the denial healing ( which is when you wear the mask of being well & moving on but the abuse scars are still inside).
llene helped me recognize that i am in the denial healing, & so i applied the index card exercise to find true healing.
At first, i felt the pain in remembering the abuse, but the second day it became less, it's like when putting a sterilizer on a wound, it burns at first, then no pain, so even if it makes you bitter & sad at the beginning, don't stop, continue the exercise, the pain will eventually go away.
Another thing to add, that when i wrote the thoughts & instances of abuse on paper, really, they disappeared from my mind, where these thoughts were bouncing & bouncing over in my mind, it's as literally as if i'm getting these thoughts out of my head & putting them on paper instead.
And of course in addition to the benefit of making you remember not to fall again in abuse or miss the abuser, & why you left him or have to leave him.
Too many benefits, isn't it.
I strongly recommend it, after having trying it.
Again, thank you llene very much for helping us, & thank you vonniedisley for posting it again.
Thought I'd bump the topic up, since I couldn't find the excercise when I first looked for it, thanks to IleneW for sending it to me.
Man this is really helping me soooo much to see the big picture and how all those little things damaged me so much. wonderful idea!!!