Hi everyone. I was always a "normal" and "together" person. I never had any panic attacks, but about a month ago -- out of the blue -- I got a full blown panic attack in a subway car, when it stopped in a tunnel for about a minute. I felt trapped -- looking at the dark brick wall through all of the windows), and started to breathe fast, and my eyes were bulging out of my head, and I took off my jacket and scarf.

I kept thinking "I'm trapped. I couldn't get out if I needed to. There's no way out." I tried to reason with myself and said "It's okay" and "you're safe" to myself, but it only made it worse.

A guy was looking at me -- no one looks at each other in nyc -- and I could tell he knew something was wrong with me (from how I was breathing all big, etc). It was nice he looked like he wanted to help perhaps, and if the car didn't start moving I may have desperately been in need of any help.

The worst part was that I couldn't do anything. Screaming or kicking or running would not help one bit. In a tunnel, there is nothing you can do.

It luckily started moving before anything further happened (I had an urge to attack the subway car to try to get out. I felt like I was in a mine as the dirt was collapsing, or like I was being pushed into a tub of water, and I couldn't get my head above water). It was like when you see an animal dying, that was how I felt.

I'm now more afraid of the subway than anything else.

I kept trying to force myself to keep riding it, but it got worse. The last time my heart was beating soo fast and hard that I felt if the subway didn't move soon, I would faint or have a heart attack -- this was while iI was listening to my "nature sounds" music. I've never felt anything like that.

I think the cause is a divorce I'm just starting now, which had some emotional abuse, and also some childhood stuff, and I'm afraid of getting a job or making money -- I'm a hard worker, but I feel panicked when working for someone else.

All of my aunts and uncles on my dad's side have had panic attacks.

I also started to fear elevators, and I did have one panic attack. It was a long ride up 40 floors and when I walked out, I had troubled filling out a form, because I didn't know what year it was -- I was so embarassed.

Luckily, I've been forced to take elevators, and the last 2 days I was only nervous inside, not panicked! So thankful.

I'm actually more scared of my fear of making money though, because that's a survival thing. And I can always take the bus instead of the subway.

I was recently hit by a cab, and it didn't phase me. I was slightly in shock and confused for about 30 mintues, but my heart wasn't even beating fast. Same thing with a sketchy guy who was standing on the street. Didn't scare me at all -- I was aware that I could do something if he chose to attack me. I had a choice.

Yet, I'm terrified of subways. I don't have a choice when parked in a dark tunnel for an unknown amount of time.