hopefully others might join soon.

in trying to comprehend the pain that i am feeling, i have read numerous articles on pet loss. they all have the same theme: that losing a beloved pet feels just as painful as losing a human family member, if not more so, because nobody else that you knew so well gave you such unconditional love.

in march one of my cats went into rapid decline and died from an aggressive cancer. by the time i noticed something was wrong he only had a few weeks of life left. i nursed him to his death, giving him fluids and food and herbs and pain medication with an eye dropper. i slept very little during that time. when he was only a few days old, his eyes no yet opened, i nursed him and his brother to life. he was a feral cat, yet full of love, and i was his mama. when i held him i could feel the most beautiful and sweet, sweet connection.

it was as though i had brought him into this world and led him out. and when he was gone, nothing made any sense anymore.

this last december my dog, at the time 16, was beginning to suffer boughts of anxiety and erratic behavior because of his dementia. i thought it was going to be the end, but i was able to stabilize him for 6 more months. we celebrated his 17th birthday at the beach, shortly before my cat passed away. when i took the pictures i kept thinking, "this is really his last birthday, isn't it."

as summer approached, the effectiveness of my dog's herbal suppliments was starting to wane. he would get confused, and although i had made what i thought was an absolutely safe environment for him when i was out of the house, he would still find ways to get himself stuck in painfully small areas. his mobility was also in quick decline, yet he absolutely loved to eat. even when he could no longer stand or walk on his own, even on his very last day, he enjoyed his meals. i would have gladly nursed him there on his bed, cleaned his diapers, propped him up for food and water, for years more, but when i would leave the house, even for an hour, he would pant in fear and i would come home to find him drenched in his own saliva.

a week before he passed, i had put him to bed, knowing it was very unlikely he would be able to get up on his own, given his mobility issues. i slept on the couch so that i could be near him, and he slept in his prefered spot in the kitchen next to his fan. as i slept, i had nightmares, the kind you get with impending grief and utter despair. i could hear myself crying out, could feel myself trying to move to wake up, but was unable. i even cried out for my other dog to help, but i don't think she heard me. at last i was able to wake myself up, and, just as i did, my little old man came stumbling chaotically towards me, crashing into the side of the couch, where i was able to comfort myself in his soft fur. my little old guy, my best friend for 17 years, came to my rescue. he heard me through the fog of his dementia and over the fan, got up on his own even though he was at the point where he couldn't do it alone, and found his way to my side in spite of his blindness.

on his last day, i had a dream that told me it was time. when i told him about the dream, he listened, making nearly human facial expressions at the profound parts of the dream. we had a sweet day, and that evening, when the dr arrived, he had already made the decision to beging the process of letting go of his life.

i felt him, after he died. after the doctor left and i sat there with his body. i felt him fill the space around me with the utter joy of being free from that old body and the purest, most absolute love he feels for me.

but i can't feel that anymore. and all i want more than anything is for him to come back.

i try to keep some composure for the rest of my animal family. his cat is 15, his dog "wife" will be 14 in september. i have spent money on treats and food that should have gone to pay the electric bill or towards rent, which i am very behind on because i have missed so much work in my caretaking and bereavement. but they let me fall apart, too. and they are sad with me. they are better able to handle my sorrow than my partner and other family. if they were not here, the black empty pit of my heart would probably swalllow me whole.

thank you for reading my story.