I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain of finding her gone. I agree with your husband, that knowing she passed in her sleep wrapped in your love with no suffering should be a comfort. There are so many of us here who watched our babies wither away from illness or old age and some having to make the dreaded decision.

Please take care of yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. Coming here will help you heal. If it wasn't for people on this site, I'd still be in a dark place. Journaling has also helped. I lost my baby girl 3 months ago (she was 16). She was my constant companion (my sons are grown). I hold onto the happy memories and love we shared to get me through each day. It's not always easy...
Take care of the precious life you're carrying.
Hugs xoxo

I couldnt imagine if i would have to had watch Peanut suffer from disease. I guess no situation is ever a good one. Whether its like myself where I have no idea what happened and couldnt try and squeeze in as much time as possible (although she was so very spoiled she was pretty much cuddled every second we were home) knowing her time was short or having to watch her suffer. Both have their own crosses to bear. Thanks for the words. I am trying my best to take care of me and baby. Its just so very hard.

so sorry for your loss,what a shock that was.i understand totally about the quietness in the house,i still find it un-nerving and its been 4 and a half months,i thought i would go mad with grief in the beginning and the guilt nearly killed me,i joined this website and its helped a lot,i was also a wreck.it will take time,i know thats not what you want to here but its so true.my clay is buried in my back garden also,i still cant believe hes buried out there and that hes really gone,its hard to accept.at least she died in the place she loved with the people she loved and she is at peace,i know its hard but you need to look after yourself,just take it 1 day at a time and maybe take a walk to clear your head and maybe sleep will come and maybe go out and have something to eat so the reminders arent all around,it might help.its not going to be easy but once the baby is born some of that silence will be filled and it might help take your mind off things,i found keeping myself busy and my mind occupied has helped alot and coming on here and writing journals also helped.hugs to you xx

Thanks so much. Yes peanut is under her favorite tree. Buried in her cozy with some of her fav toys. My husband still calls her when he walks int he door and then remembers she is no longer with us. I tell her I love her each morning and each night or as i come and go because i pass her grave. I feel some presence in the house but I fear its not a calming one. We have gone out for a few hours each night since just to be away but then i feel guilty like oh now you can go as you please without any guilt because im not home alone at night (which my whole life was wrapped around her fingers that way) I feel no matter how i try to deal with it i feel guilt either way.

I'm very sorry for your loss and that you had to find her that she had passed.ATleast she didn't suffer in front of you and she passed peacefully by those she loved. Try to find comfort that you and your husband gave her the best of homes she could have had and that she loved you for that.She would want you to take the best of care of yourself for the baby.With her buried so near she is with you even closier at all times watching over you and being there when ever you need her comfort.

i know how you feel,i also do be out and then it hits me like that,that i dont have to rush home anymore cause clay isnt there alone anymore waiting for me and when im going to work his little face no longer watches me through the window,all sad cause im leaving without him.....the guilt is in every thought.im now going abroad on hols next year,its something ive avoided for years cause i couldnt leave clay,i couldnt bare the thought of him waiting for me to come home night after night so since i got him i went away once(for a wedding in 2009 so unavoidable).now i feel guilty about going away and hes not even here.really understand how you feel,hugs to you and try to stay strong,its hard looking out at a grave,so sad xx

im glad to know others feel the same way so I don't feel so crazy. As I sit here my husband is shaving with the electric razor; she hated that sound and would hide in my hair. Things like that just trigger the tears in me. Like tomorrow is my birthday and for the past 6 birthdays my husband got a card and she bit a few holes in it that was her signature and this will be the first I don't get one from her. Or how typically I would do birthday lunches because I didn't want to be out late I always thought she would be sad at home when its dark out. If I had to do it I would leave every light on in the house so it appeared to be daylight out. I too didn't do a lot of trips but luckily I had my mother in law who peanut would stay with because she treated her the same as we did. I remember the first time we went away I literally wrote out daily instructions on what we did. I know they say time heals wounds but I just cant imagine. They say I will have my baby in February and need to think about that. Just makes me think of saying peanut where is sissy and shed tap my belly and give kisses. I have waited years to have a child and I feel so depressed that I have almost lost interest in that and then I feel like a bad mom to the unborn child. I know its hormonal and should be better soon but I just wish this was a cruel nightmare id wake up from.

It's only been a few days, so you shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you do. I was basically incoherent the first week I lost Lady. Allow yourself time to grieve and adjust to the "new normal". I can tell you from personal experience that time does help. Hopefully, you'll be able to look forward to the arrival of your child.
I hope you have a happy birthday tomorrow. Perhaps, if you spend some time tomorrow talking to Peanut might help ease some of your pain.
I wish I could take yours and everyone else's pain away. Unfortunately, we all have to walk this path. Know that you're not alone.
Hugs xoxo

Thanks so much! I talk to peanut every day. I hope she can hear understand and see us. I hope that she still stays in our house. I sleep with her blanket that we cuddled with because it smells like her. It is surely an adjustment as everything my husband and I did was surrounded around her for the last almost 6 years. She was way too young imo to have passed hence the severe shock. I miss her incredibly

It may be super hard right now-but you will always treasure that last card from her

Well hubby is a procrastinator so I didn't get a peanut card this year but surely will have all my other peanut cards...

This is probably a difficult time for him as well. You did say he was Peanut's buddy and he is the one who found him.
I hope you're able to find some happiness today on your birthday.
My heart goes out to you during this time.
Hugs xoxo

Yeah I think she thought he was her boyfriend. She would preen him nibble his ears and sleep on him. Yeah he found her even tried to do mouth to mouth its really just a sad time around our house right now