Hi, I'm writing this because I've been depressed about losing my dog and companion, Benji. He didn't die, but there was an unfortunate incident where he lunged at someone and scraped someone with his tooth. Naturally they called it a dog bite and in this city they will destroy a dog on the first bite if they consider him viscious. A dog is considered viscious if he barks at you from inside his enclosure, so I knew they would put him down. To avoid this I took him out of state and my dog trainer found him a good home on a big ranch and by all accounts he is happy and they love him. To me though, it feels as if I have lost a child to child protective services or something. I struggle with guilt about not protecting him from this situation and wonder if he feels abandoned, if they really love him, and are giving him everything he needs to be happy. This happened 7 months ago. I was depressed severly for 2-3 months, but because I live with my daughter and grandchildren I didn't want them to have to live with my depression so I forced myself out of it as soon as I could.After about 3 months I got a new dog to help me out of the depression. The other day I had a bad dream about my old dog that he was on a chain in and old garage and they were going to shoot him but I convinced them to let me take him, but I had no place to keep him so we wandered around homeless along the river and beaches.
This started me on another round of depression, but I am trying my best to hide it from my family. My daughter, in a conversation we had about all the things I'd done wrong as a parent, said she was upset that I made "such a big deal over Benji" and why I had to get a new dog, why I couldn't just use their dogs. She thinks that since her and my grandchildren are here I should have all the love I need. I tried to explain that my dog gave me unconditional love and he was always looking out for me. He would have taken a bullet for me or fought a grizzly bear. There is no one else on this earth who would do that for me and I've never had anyone who loved me enough to do that. I don't expect that of her because she has a husband and family to worry about. I'm not asking that of her or anyone else, but my dog fullfilled that need for me. He knew when I was sad and always came to comfort me. I also explained that in another 10 years the kids would have other interests and she wouldn't need me here anymore, but the dog will be here as long as it lives, but I don't know if she really gets it or not. She has a husband who loves her. I was married to an abusive man who didn't give a rat's ass about me, my family of origin didn't care about me and I've had to do everything on my own under my own strength and the strength of God to get me through. I don't understand why she would begrudge me having another dog to ease my grief. I understand that she cannot understand my attachment to Benji, but I wish she'd understand so I could talk to her about it and not worry it's just going to upset her. I don't have friends here because I moved here just before I lost my dog, to help her with the kids and because my own health was failing. I just needed to be able to talk about my grief and all these emotions I've been having. I miss my big boy so much. I'd appreciate any feedback or support and encouragement. Thankyou