I just lost my dog Friday. He was my entire world. I lived for him. I've had the most traumatic life and he was what kept me going. I raised him from a 10 wk old puppy. He was 12.5 yrs old when he died. He was a 130lb Neapolitan Mastiff. I've had him my entire adult life, through everything I've been through. My life revolved around him. I never wanted to be away from him. I suffer from PTSD from years of trauma so I remained very isolated in my house with just him. He was my everything. I have no children, no spouse, and no close friends. Now I have nothing.

He was in very good health his whole life except he had severe hip dysplasia and arthritis. I bought him the best dog food, meds, and supplements to keep him comfortable. He was still able to get up and walk, although slowly. He was the best dog anyone could ask for. So calm and well behaved. He was my everything.

I was raped 2 months ago and have been extremely traumatized. I've been suicidal but I would never leave my dog. I've been able to work from home because of it, due to my PTSD, so was with my dog 24/7 these past couple months. I've been through so much trauma through the years and he was all the kept me going. Now I have nothing. I am completely empty now. I am just a shell of a person. There is nothing inside me anymore. And I don't see any reason to stay now.

Tuesday morning at 4am, I thought I heard him fall down the stairs. I have a baby gate at the bottom of my steps so that he would no longer try to come upstairs where I slept because he couldn't make it up the steps on his own anymore. So I couldn't understand what that noise was because I knew the baby gate was closed. I thought he must have just been walking around downstairs and fell. Then I heard it again and got up to find him at the side door where I let him out. There are 4 steps to get to the side door. He had gone down there for some strange reason, when I wasn't there to open the door for him, and had tried to climb back up the 4 steps and fell down, twice. He fell straight backwards, sliding down the stairs, after his back legs gave out. So his legs were spread along side him. But he wasn't crying or anything. I helped him up the steps and to his bed and gave him some extra pain meds.

For the next two days he was in a lot of pain. He couldn't really stand up on his own and I had to help lift his butt up. But once he was up, he could walk but would sometimes suddenly fall down. On the second day of this, Wednesday, I took him to the vet to see if they could give him some stronger pain meds than what I normally gave him for his hips (and had increased the dosage of slightly due to this pain). At that time he was still able to walk around normally but would sometimes just fall down at random, like his back legs were giving out. The vet gave him some muscle relaxers, some Tramadol (which he's had before in the past), and a shot of fentanyl.

We came home and I tried to give him the Tramadol and the muscle relaxers but he would not eat anything. I tried in hot dogs, I tried in cheese, I tried in peanut butter. He wouldn't touch anything. I then threw the pills in his food bowl along with a bunch of other goodies, hoping he'd eat. He did take a few bites but not much. I'm not sure if he got the Tramadol or not.

He was also randomly barking at me these 2 days which he NEVER does. He'd just start this whiny bark for no reason. I thought it was because he was uncomfortable and wanted to reposition himself and needed my help. So I'd help him.

That night, at about midnight, he had a serious seizure. He's never had one before. I panicked and frantically ran around the neighborhood pounding on doors for someone to help me get him into the car. I rushed him to the emergency clinic, running all the red lights. He was coming to by then. He was still able to walk and respond to his surroundings. They ran his blood work and everything was really good. They were pretty amazed at how healthy he was for a 12 yr old Mastiff, which is what I always hear when I take him to the vet. So they didn't know what it was. Could be a one time freak thing, could be a brain tumor, no way to know unless I was going to spend $2000 on an MRI to find out if it was something in his brain (which there wouldn't be anything we could do about anyway).

We went home hoping that it would be a one time thing and planning to see the regular vet the following day. He went to sleep and seemed fine. I stayed downstairs on the couch so I could watch him all night.

The next day, Thursday, I noticed he was twitching. He was panting a lot, which he had been since the fall, even though I had the ac on. And I notice that his face, mouth, and front arms would twitch a little, just for a few seconds, every couple minutes. I wasn't sure what it was. I got my neighbor to help load him into the car again and took him to the vet for the 3rd time in 24 hrs. He thought it was mini seizures. And he was constantly having them. So we started phenobarbital 2x a day. I knew that one of the side effects was weakness in the rear end. He was already unable to get up without my help since the fall, and he is 130lbs. I am a single female and live alone so there was no way for me to carry him in and out of the house to go potty or move around.

We went home and he seemed to get better after the first dose. I didn't notice the twitching and thought he was all better. He slept for awhile peacefully. Then, by night, he started panting and crying again. This time he was crying in a panicking kind of way. I could not calm him down and it was killing me. He was obviously in a lot of pain. I had given him his 2nd dose of the phenobarbital and it didn't seem to be helping. It was the early hours of the morning again. I was frantically calling the emergency vet. I wanted to know if I could give him some of my xanax to calm him down. I was afraid to give him Tramadol because I read it can cause seizures. My neighbor came over at one point and we were trying to get him into the car again but then he started to calm down again. So I let him lay by the front door for awhile. Then I got him on a blanket so I could drag him into the living room by me. At this point he was unable to stand at all, even with me trying to help him. Then he started to panic and cry and scream in pain. Nothing I did could calm him down. I was unsure if it was the pain from the fall or seizures. I didn't know what to do. I called my neighbor over again, this was about 6am. The emergency vet told me it'd be best to just wait till my vet opened because they closed at 8am. By then he was starting to calm down again. I had managed to get him into his bed and I laid down with him and he fell asleep in my arms. Even in his sleep he was still twitching. We took a nap together for over an hour when I tried to gently get up and go to the bathroom. He woke up and started crying again. I called my neighbor and we loaded him up and took him to the vet again.

He was still having the mini seizures, nonstop. They think it was a brain tumor. They didn't know if we'd ever be able to get them under control and the only thing they could do is increase the dosage of the phenobarbital which basically made him paralyzed and I would not be able to get him outside to go to the bathroom or anything. It was a decision I always told myself I could never make. But I couldn't stand to see him suffering so much. It was killing me. I hadn't slept or ate in days. My nerves were totally shot and I was super nauseous.

I had them give him a shot of a sedative so that he'd calm down and not be in pain. Then they said I could stay there with him as long as I wanted while he slept. I laid next to him and gave him millions of kisses and whispered to him while he slept calmly. Then they came and gave him the shot and I held him and kissed him while he slipped away from my life forever.

I've never loved anyone as much as I love him and I never will again. He was the love of my life and the only thing keeping me going through all the trauma I've been through. Now I am completely alone and I have no desire to go on. I am staying with my grandparents now because I can't bare to go back to my empty house. I don't want to see it again. I don't have anything worth living for now. I need him. My Dr gave me Lorazepam and I've tried to stay in a drug induced sleep since it happened. I know I can't live without him. I've always known that.