I have tried several times to get help for whatever is wrong with me. Each time, the therapist wouldn't let me see the doctor after repeated requests to do so. The one time I actually got an appointment with a doctor, I don't think she took me seriously. I hate being like this, but I can't help it. I often feel like my only escape from it all is to die. I'm older now, and married. My husband wants me to try to get help again, in hopes that this time someone can figure out what is wrong with me and help me. I'm not very close to my family. There are only two relatives that I talk too. One is my brother. I trust him, but we don't talk much. The other is my mom. We talk regularly, but I have major trust issues with her. I'm self destructive and tend to push away the people who care about me. I don't have any friends. I have terrible mood swings. Sometimes very violent & destructive. My family and people who know me think I have a personality disorder. I'm so tired and stressed out. I know I should get help, even though I don't want to. When I am in between, I want help. However, when I am okay or really low/upset...I don't, at all. I just people to leave me alone. How do you push passed the bull crap, and force yourself you get help? I just feel like it is pointless. It hasn't worked before, so why bother trying again. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over & over and expecting different result? Any thoughts? I just feel blah about the whole thing. Part of me wants to feel better, but then other parts just really don't give a rats arse.