I have BPD and depression. I have not been in treatment in a long time and have not pursued it because we live in such a small town I think it would ruin me professionally.

My spouse never wants to talk about anything. I tried explaining it to him but nothing is ever his fault. It is always my fault. We have been together 8 years. I thought I had it all figured out when we moved in together - I had my depression under control and had surrounded myself with positive people.

After 4 years, I agreed to move away with him and without realizing it, I lost the support system I had built up around me. And the identity I worked so hard to build.

Now, after 8 years, I feel like we 2 strangers sharing space. I don't understand how I can feel so alone and be in the same room with someone at the same time.

I actually moved out in the beginning of the year, but after 8 weeks the pain was unbearable so I came back. I thought I could manage if I came back but I cry just about everyday. Even when I am not crying my eyes feel swollen and I feel like I have to put up an act when I am out to pretend everything is fine.

I have been reading up on BPD alot lately and think the invalidation of my feelings by my spouse are exacerbating the BPD. I feel so paralyzed.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Thank you and I do know how you feel. I think my husband's neglect and rejection of supporting me brings on much stress and makes my depression and bpd worse.
I am sorry you left your support system. If he can't give it, maybe you should move back. My husband and I have been together for over 19 years and now I have begun to feel hatred toward him for not acknowledging my feelings. I feel so empty and alone with my husband that I may as well be. I told him last night that something has to change. I can't take this stress much longer. I wish you all the best and maybe it will be different with your husband. Hopefully he will come around and see the pain you are in and try to help you.
I am so sorry you are suffering the way I am.

i really feel for you.my partner offered me support for a while but then just yell at me if i'm having a mood swing. last night i was so bad i just walked out the house i was wondering round the small village we live in.i sat on a bench just thinking.i saw her go by in her car thn about half an hour later come back again she drove straight pass me.then she rang my mobile saying she had been out looking for me asked where i was then came to pick me up.as soon as she got home she rang her work mate and her workplace saying it was ok she had found me and would be in at work as usual.(she started work hour and half later).she told me she had been into her workplace in case i was there but she could had just rang them.as they all know me as i use to work there.and if she really had been looking for me she would had done a ull circle of the village which i knew she hadn't cos o the direction she drove passed me.all she had done was go into her workplace to look for me.and she knows its highly unlikely i would had been there.
anyway i was in a right state after we got home but as soon and we got in the door she was ringing saying she would be in at work.then told me she couldn't take time off work.i held back saying to her that she took a sickie from work when it suited her to go to a pub where her mate worked when i was having a bad bpd episode.(she never told me she had took a sickie i found out when i tried ringing her at work that night and they told me)so i know she can take a night off when it suits her.
so i know how it feels to have no support from your partner.
sometimes i just want a hug when i'm upset but don't get one.

I'm so sorry we are going through this. Once I had an episode and I threatened to take an overdose and got my keys and left in my car. After being gone about an hour, I was pulled by the cops where my husband had called them and told them what I said.
I came home and was mad at him. Everyone says, he did it b/c he cares. Yes, when it comes to the point of suicide. But I think he did it to make himself look good. If he really wanted to support me, he could have taken me in his arms and said I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm here and it will be o.k. I have even told him this type of thing is what I need and he just won't be it. Maybe its his pride; I don't know.
I hate this disorder. I wish you better days in the future.

i've reached the point of suicide and my partner did nothing.one day she was on the pc playing a game(as usual) i was feeling suicidal and didn't know what to do and as my partner had done a suicide prevention course a ew months earlier i turned to her for help.i told her straight i felt like killing myself.she never even took her eyes of the pc just said "why".of course this just made me feel worse.
i went upstairs and basically tried throttling myself with a belt i had really lost the plot.i must have passed out because the next thing i knew she was lossing the belt then just went back downstairs she never even took the belt away just left it round my neck.
even when i came back downstairs she didn't ask why i had tried suicide or even mention it.i just wanted to cry and to have a hug.
if my partner was like this with everyone it wouldn't be so bad but she isn't .i've been with her when her friend burtst into tears over some little thing and immediatly my partner gives her a big hug and talks to her.her friends son(14)got in trouble with the police starts crying and she was hugging him.
but she is very good at making out to others how she cares about me.

Lost, I feel your pain. I don't know why the ones who are suppose to love and care for us can't. They are sympathetic to other's needs. Just the other day, there was a commercial on t.v. and it showed this women with multiple sclerosis trying to walk with help from bars. My husband said "oh, that must be hard to go through". I looked at him and said "don't you think what I go through is hard". He just rolled his eyes. I said ppl sympathize with ppl in pain on the outside but not when its on the inside. He just said he shouldn't have said anything b/c he should have known I'd make a comment. Why couldn't he say something like "I'm sorry honey I know you are in pain as well and I know its hard but I'm here if you need me" That would make all the difference in the world. Just he just doesn't get that I need support and off to my bed I went. This is my retreat when I can't handle things.

I sometimes think a relationship is just impossible for me. I have unrealistic expectations of myself and others. D and I argue alot, but somehow we seem to fit together. I think if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be alive, and I almost resent him for that. It's weird, I know. He doesn't understand the way I feel, my anxiety and fears, my mood swings...he tries but there is only so much one can tolerate. I often feel like just giving up. It's like I can't have a valid feeling without it being about my BPD. That just absolves responsibility, and makes me feel like everything is my fault. All I can say is try to be specific about your needs. That's helped me alot.

I try to be specific. I even tell him what kinds of things he could say to make me feel better. I guess if he doesn't truly feel the things I want him to say, he shouldn't say them.
We have been through so much and now I realize how much I have hurt him that I don't blame him for not wanting our marriage and I want out too but I don't have anywhere to go. I feel like a failure in every aspect of life. I just wish I could accomplish something and feel good about myself.

When things are really bad, you have to start small. I always had these goals that were much too lofty for where I was at. Admitting that really hurt my pride.

Hi belle,

I was also diagnosed with BPD, and I know the subject of partner support is always a greatly debated one, but I'll give you my view on it (and it's by no means meant to be a judgment on you, simply another perspective).

I guess for me I have always felt like BPD is my problem to fix, and that it shouldn't be the responsibility of the person that I chose to share my life with. When I was younger I used to think that I had some biological condition that would just control me for the rest of my life (at least thats pretty much how all the doctors and psych's made it out to be), but these days I choose to ignore that side of the argument.

I have put girlfriends through an awful lot of s**t during my lifetime, from constantly trying to kill myself in new and inventive ways, to simply being a closed off cold hearted jerk to protect myself from being hurt. Quite honestly my current partner is the only one I think I've done a semi-ok job and keeping happy, and keeping myself sane for because I'm so conscious of not wanting to put her through the pain that I put others through, even though I guess at times I still have my moments.

Anyway, my point is.. I used to think I wasn't getting support from my partners, especially because they knew about my psychological problems.. but I realise now how painful it must have been for them not being able to help me and not feeling like they had a partner who could make them feel safe and comfortable. For me, I believe being diagnosed doesn't give me any more right than anyone else in the world to having the feeling of equal support and reliability in a relationship and in believing that, it makes it easier for me to understand how the other person feels when their partner is continually going off the mental rails as it were. Namely, frustrated, hurt, angry, sad... all the things that we feel to the extreme because of the way we are, we sometimes neglect to soothe in our partners simply because we are so absorbed in our own world.

The reality is, if you no longer love each other (and you are both sure of that, and it's not simply just painful emotions unresolved) then staying together for the kids can sometimes be more damaging than if you both decided to make strives to become mutually happy through other endevours. If somehow you managed to work out how to talk to each other again you might find that there is still love and support there.

Ultimately if you are in a situation that distresses you, if you do nothing to change it you can fully expect to stay in that situation and watch it become worse until you just want to kill yourself again. I speak from intimate experience in this area. Sure, it might feel like an impossible task, but it sounds like you have more to lose by not taking action to change things.

Thanks firefly, I agree with you 100%. One night I asked my husband if he wanted to get a babysitter so we could talk. He was eating a sandwich and the t.v. was on. Our 4 year old was in the next room and he said go ahead and talk. Right then I new why even try but I said I mean without all the interuptions and he said what do you want to talk about. I was like "duh" our marriage.
I swear sometimes he feels as if nothing is wrong. He must know I'm not happy and I don't see how he is. I have admitted to him that this disorder makes me do things to hurt him and I am to blame and I take responsibility for things where I have hurt him and I say I'm sorry. He never tells me he is sorry for anything he has done wrong. I have never wanted him to fix me b/c I know he can't. The change is within me but he keeps thinkin I want to change him and in a way I do but not like he thinks. I just want his support. So now I just leave him alone and we talk about nothing so their is no marriage left but he won't talk about that either. I don't even know how he feels.
I feel like I'm with a person that speaks another language and I am trying to figure out what he wants while I am talking to him and he could care less about learning how to speak my language but is o.k. with having me around.
This is so hard. I can tell it is affecting the kids also. I think it is time to end it or separate but like I said before I have no where to go.

Belle,
I read your journal and I am hurting for you. I don't know what to say because I have been truly blessed with my husband. If I had any other husband I bet I would be in the same situation as you and the others on here. I have hurt my husband over and over throughout our 20 yrs of marriage and he is still here. He has hurt me as well, but not in the same way. Sometimes I think I don't deserve his love and maybe, just maybe I try to to test it too much. I don't like your husband very much and I wish I could just say the right thing to him to wake him up. He is a lucky man to have you and he wants to throw it all away after 19 yrs.? I don't get it. Anyway, I am here for you and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sending you a zillion hugs. I know you are hurting belle. Hang in there, all of us here are with you. Kily