Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
I feel like I'm at breaking point at the moment. How much longer can I be expected to 'cope'!
I go to Day Patients for my Anorexia 5 days a week (I was an inpatient about 2 months back for 4 months) and on Tuesday my thoughts about suicide were so strong I couldn't go home. I have to take the train home and all I kept seeing was images of me throwing myself under it or jumping in front of cars etc. Luckily they had a spare bed there and held me overnight.
Yesterday wasn't so bad, I just felt numb to everything so I wasn't really thinking about anything. Just feel veryhopeless about the future. But this morning I've got up and the thoughts are whirring around my head again and I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs!
Everyone keeps telling me the only way I will learn to cope is to go through times like these. But my worry is...what is it...something like 1 in 10? DON'T get through it. They succeed in committing suicide. I have never actually tried because I wouldn't need to. As far as I'm concerned there is no 'try'. If I want to die...I will die and I would make sure of it. Most people who are saved from suicide attempts must have in some way, still wanted the chance to be saved. I know that wouldn't happen to me which is why I've never made any attempts on my life.
Suicide aside....knowing I can't do it, self harming is the next coping mechanism which is tempting me. Again, images just go through my head of me doing it etc... sometimes they are so bad they can make me feel quite sick and dizzy.
Well...anyway...I just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out. I don't know why because it doesn't take them away and you are all just people sitting on computers trying to help people the best you can. I guess I just don't want to feel so alone with these thoughts. I just want them to go away...
x-Bliss-x
I go to Day Patients for my Anorexia 5 days a week (I was an inpatient about 2 months back for 4 months) and on Tuesday my thoughts about suicide were so strong I couldn't go home. I have to take the train home and all I kept seeing was images of me throwing myself under it or jumping in front of cars etc. Luckily they had a spare bed there and held me overnight.
Yesterday wasn't so bad, I just felt numb to everything so I wasn't really thinking about anything. Just feel veryhopeless about the future. But this morning I've got up and the thoughts are whirring around my head again and I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs!
Everyone keeps telling me the only way I will learn to cope is to go through times like these. But my worry is...what is it...something like 1 in 10? DON'T get through it. They succeed in committing suicide. I have never actually tried because I wouldn't need to. As far as I'm concerned there is no 'try'. If I want to die...I will die and I would make sure of it. Most people who are saved from suicide attempts must have in some way, still wanted the chance to be saved. I know that wouldn't happen to me which is why I've never made any attempts on my life.
Suicide aside....knowing I can't do it, self harming is the next coping mechanism which is tempting me. Again, images just go through my head of me doing it etc... sometimes they are so bad they can make me feel quite sick and dizzy.
Well...anyway...I just needed to get these thoughts and feelings out. I don't know why because it doesn't take them away and you are all just people sitting on computers trying to help people the best you can. I guess I just don't want to feel so alone with these thoughts. I just want them to go away...
x-Bliss-x
going through stuff does make us stronger, but it seems to take a really long time sometimes.
when i look back to 15 years ago, i was in day hospital,
and now it seems very long time ago, and things are really different now.
im not saying everythings great,
and i know what you mean about suicide,{although lots of people survive serious suicide attempts, with terrible injurys}but things and feelings change over years.
im glad your here and talking about this stuff, it makes me not feel so alone.
love Alicex
Just that your not alone, and ive felt like this too and yes its overwhelming. Just hold on, keep using the support your getting from therapy and from being on this sight.
take care
I've found myself wishing my weekend away just so I'll be busy again with Day Patients.
x-Bliss-x
Honestly, I haven't started taking the Lithium, I'm really anti-psych drugs or whatever (I did take Lamictal, but stopped) so I have no idea if it will ever help. I find that having a "buddy system" helps...you know being around a group of friends may distract you from those thoughts.
Going off what someone else said, the thoughts we're thinking aren't rational and aren't normal.... and I try to keep this in mind and tell myself, 'it's just a phase, it's just a phase...' and I usually can getver through it within an hour or so.
I'm totally understanding what you're going through hun. Hang in there and just remember, this too shall pass. *HUGS*
(PS, writing this out really helped me chill out)
I too can't sleep at night and i've lost all hope.
I think of way to just end it, won't mention them as i do not want to give anyone ideas.
But i just tried too long too hard, and i've lost everytime.
I want the hate and the pain and the dread of being me and living my life to end......
I wish i had an answer that was helpful, but all i can say is i feel the same way.hugs