No sorry solo, i haven't but hope some one here can help you out..xx

Have you asked a therapist about this past or present? Like bashful said i hope there's someone here who can help.

No, I haven't asked a therapist. I'm not in therapy yet but if I keep seeing this passive aggressive, I probably will be. I'm just trying to understand who is and why. His childhood was a mess. No nurturing. His mother was too absorbed grieving the death of her infant sibling, born when she was 15. I have never met her but from what he says, the grieving never ended. It is her obscession at the expense of her own child. One thing is totally obvious. It still effects him and has all his life. He is not in therapy either. I have little chance of getting him there. Most professionals would probably recommend that I give up on him. I have been pulled into something that is pretty destructive. I have all the components of a rescuer....a co-dependant, a substitute mother, a woman Who Loves Too Much...he spotted me from a mile away. I can either help him or I can desert him.

Flossiegirl, Would that include Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?

i believe syndromes ARE REAL.


i try not to look at mine as a label (adult children of alcoholics syndrome) but rather see what i can identify with and work on each individual issue. i am not sure if you are talking about yourself having this syndrome, solo. or if it is a friend or boyfriend you suspect may have it?

but maybe this person who may have it, does not like the label and will not go to therapy because of that. i know that when i first read a book on my syndrome, i felt it was a label for me.. that i now have a new identity with a pre-determined path in life..

i have since learned to throw away that label and to just work on the issues of the ACOA that i can truly identify with. if i don't identify with something, i leave it alone and try not to think too much about it.

an example: when i read this ACOA book, i read that many of us adult children of alcoholics "are either super responsible or super irresponsible" i now realize that this characteristic never applied to me, but when i first read about it, i almost tried to fit this into my personality, which actually did me way more harm than good.

that is what people have to watch out for when accepting a diagnosis or syndrome/disorder of some sort.. and many people DO fear these things as being a label, rather than being motivation to get better.

i believe one must seek for help with a healthy perspective, and maybe this person with this replacement child syndrome needs to time to do that.

i don't think this situation is as black and white as "either help him or leave him" i think there is a grey area. especially because you mention co-dependency, i think you should try to help him in a way that is healthy and beneficial for both of you. and that would be by finding that grey area.

don't try to force this on him.. he may not be ready, and it could do serious damage to both of you. try to just recognize his individual issues of the syndrome, and try not to think about the label. and help him in areas where he is willing to work with you. if there is something you're trying to get him to realize, and he is not budging, then leave it alone.. in time, if he is willing to get better, he will recognize his issues on his own, which is healthier.

just be there for support.. try not to get too wrapped up on this. i have co-dependent tendencies as well, and i know how it is trying to help people sometimes.. sometimes i get way too involved and i end up putting others before myself, and trying to force help onto others, and it really puts a lot of stress on me and the people i am trying to help.

so try to just take what he is willing to work on, and leave the rest alone for now.

i hope this helps and good luck with this. xoxo

Kerry, it was my BF who first told me about this. It is/was his mother who, I believe , had or perhaps still has this condition. It was one of the first things he shared with me when we first met so I had concluded that it has effected him greatly throughout his life. I had never heard of this condition before. It seemed incredible that anyone would be so consumed by her infant brother's death that it would impact her most if not all of her life. I admit...I have considered that she may have contributed to his death somehow and it is guilt that consumes her but I know that it has had a huge influence on my BF. I also suspect that he may have been abused as a child but we haven't talked about that yet. I am trying to draw things out whenever I have the opportunity. Sometimes he just shuts down and puts the wall back up. He hasn't seen his mother in thirty years nor does he want to. I am trying to understand as much as I can about both of us. I have never known anyone like him. Thanks for your thoughts. I find more help here than i ever imagined.

oh okay.. now i understand the situation better. thanks for sharing more, solo.

well, i can relate to his situation in the sense that i have a very unstable relationship with my mother. my mother may have BPD but i'm not sure.. kinda like how you're trying to figure out his mom's condition.. i've tried to do the same with my mom and tried to connect some dots.. she was diagnosed with borderline and paranoid personality disorder.. but she is also an alcoholic and she doesn't let on to it with her therapists, so that HUGE piece of missing information could lead to false diagnoses. i was also abused as a child in various ways and that has and probably always will effect me.

my boyfriend tried his hardest to understand whats goin on with my mother and i.. but it is very confusing for him. i have learned to be patient with him when it comes to that.

i used to close up and shut off when people would try to talk to me about homelife when i was younger.. it's like i was able to give information but i expressed no emotion when talking about it.

all i can say is, you seem like a very good and supportive gf. in time, he will open up if he really wants and feels he needs to. just be patient and just give him an ear to listen when he wants to talk. and if he doesn't want to talk about things let it be because forcing someone will only keep them closed off.

he is lucky to have someone who truly wants to understand.. i never had that until a few years ago, and when i finally did have that kind of support it did take me a while to open up.

good luck to you and don't stress it too much.. just continue to be there when he needs you and i'm sure things will work out in time.

I am powerfully drawn to him and i think he is to me but he is really afraid of becoming dependant and vulnerable. It helps me understand why he is the way he is with me. I think at times that I am his replacement mother...not in the Freudian oedipal way but to fill his need for the nurturing he never got. I can handle it. I have a need to take care of a man and I know he is drawn to me because of it. I'm finding out that I have some issues of my own that I never acknowledged. Thanks again for your thoughts. I'm going to need to make a friend request. Hope you will accept.