Personality Disorders Support Group

Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.

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Post from journal - Can't deal with this!

xBlissx
xBlissx
Wow...ok so don't really know how to start this entry. I don't know what I'm feeling to be honest. I don't know, and yet at the same time it feels like the slightest thing would just make me emotionally 'crack'.

I have so many mixed feelings going on right now. Earlier on (as in about 2 hours ago) I had the thought "Fuck this, I don't want to spend my life like this anymore. I WANT to go back to work, I WANT to live my life again." .....
....Now 2 hours later and I'm thinking "Fuck this, I just want to resort back into my eating disorder, self harm, depressed self. I don't want to fight it anymore, I want to act out on it."

..................................... WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!!! ...........................................

I've been feeling so mixed recently but this is just rediculous. When I was getting the positive thoughts I was just thinking...yeah, tomorrow I'm going to go into day patients and be like "I can do this, I can turn things around. I actually WANT to get better now!" I was feeling so motivated.....

....but it was all just FAKE! FAKE hope, FAKE belief, FAKE thinking!!! I can't lie myself into recovery! If I don't WANT to do it and don't believe I can I'm NEVER going to! I might as well just admit this is going to be my life and endulge in it!!!

x-Bliss-x
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're right in saying you can't have it (recovery) if you don't want it, but we also need to work out what recovery may look like for each of us. For some it is getting a job and having the house over your head, for others it is being emotionally stable, for others again it is a combination of both. Go easy on yourself, borderlines have a habit of being hard on themselves and not really knowing what they want, slow down and breathe, think and draw a mental image of what recovery may look like for you - starting off small and aim for that and work upwards. Expect the days when it feels to hard they come and go - it's normal to feel that but keep working for the small goals and it'll fall into place sooner or later, good luck
deleted_user
deleted_user
There must be a part of you that wants to get better, otherwise you wouldn't of had that moment of feeling positive at all and you wouldnt be on here, getting support and advice. It can just seem confusing at times thats all.

I agree with Freelowpoet, you need to slow down and concentrate on smaller steps. you are capable of acheiving things in life that do make you feel good and better, but do it in small steps or you will feel overwhelmed and may give up.

Did you say you go to a Day Centre or something? Or therapy? If so arrange with staff/therapist a goal and just work on it, when you acheive it, reward yourself then set another goal together. Don't rush it, just go with it.

Good luck and i wish you peace
deleted_user
deleted_user
I did the same thing just the other day. My husband and his mom are about to have a breakdown now that their jobs are not secure. I even wrote on my status that they were going to make me sane. Plus there just happens to be two teaching jobs in my field open in this county alone. I started thinking about how good I was at my job and the money I'd be making again.

A few hours later when I was dying to sleep and it was barely midday, I remembered where I was and the real problems I have. They can't be wished away.

We must remember although they can't be wished away, we must keep seeking help. Many people have recovered. Somedays I don't feel like I'll ever make it there, but we all just might make it-and won't that be a great day for all of us.

I must admit being borderline can give me advantages in positive manipulation if there is such a thing. I negotiate well. So it's a positive for me and those I'm helping.

Flower