Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
Before I start my post, anyone who isn't feeling very good tonight, I don't advise you carry on reading as it may be triggering. I don't want to be responsible for anyone else feeling this bad :(
I don't even know if this post is going to make any sense...I just need to talk.
I'm feeling...really bad at the moment. I feel like screaming, crying, punching the walls, cutting...anything to make this feeling go away. I hate it when I feel so desprate, so in need of help but not wanting to tell anyone. Not at home anyway. My Mum is home and as far as she knows I'm sitting in my room knitting...knitting ha! I feel like shoving the bloody needle through my hand!
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. Everytime I seem to get better in everyone elses eyes, I suddenly crash again. But it's not that I felt better. I was just coping better...able to hide it, like now. Then when it all gets too much, everyone else sees my mood crash.
I'm so tired of fighting, pretending...having to live like this day in day out.
Part of me doesn't actually want to get 'better'. Because so far my 'better' has been so that I seem OK on the outside, but still being tortured on the inside. If I didn't 'get better' I could just act out on all the symptoms and all the feelings. I just keep thinking, I need to be in hospital, I'm one of these people who are just going to end up sitting in a hospital ward room, carving myself up. Part of me actually wants to be left to it. I sound crazy for saying it but I do. Then another part of me...a smaller part just wants it all to go away and everything to be back to normal...but that's never going to happen. So I'm left with the other option. Feeling like this and trying to hide it all is doing me in!
I don't know if anyone will understand this and because of what I've said a lot of you will probably think I'm crazy...or just get angry with me. I know what I should do but I can't...I'm stuck.
x-Bliss-x
I don't even know if this post is going to make any sense...I just need to talk.
I'm feeling...really bad at the moment. I feel like screaming, crying, punching the walls, cutting...anything to make this feeling go away. I hate it when I feel so desprate, so in need of help but not wanting to tell anyone. Not at home anyway. My Mum is home and as far as she knows I'm sitting in my room knitting...knitting ha! I feel like shoving the bloody needle through my hand!
I don't know why I can't tell anyone. Everytime I seem to get better in everyone elses eyes, I suddenly crash again. But it's not that I felt better. I was just coping better...able to hide it, like now. Then when it all gets too much, everyone else sees my mood crash.
I'm so tired of fighting, pretending...having to live like this day in day out.
Part of me doesn't actually want to get 'better'. Because so far my 'better' has been so that I seem OK on the outside, but still being tortured on the inside. If I didn't 'get better' I could just act out on all the symptoms and all the feelings. I just keep thinking, I need to be in hospital, I'm one of these people who are just going to end up sitting in a hospital ward room, carving myself up. Part of me actually wants to be left to it. I sound crazy for saying it but I do. Then another part of me...a smaller part just wants it all to go away and everything to be back to normal...but that's never going to happen. So I'm left with the other option. Feeling like this and trying to hide it all is doing me in!
I don't know if anyone will understand this and because of what I've said a lot of you will probably think I'm crazy...or just get angry with me. I know what I should do but I can't...I'm stuck.
x-Bliss-x
Reading this was like reading whats going on in my head but I can't write or talk or anythign about. You have captured my thoughts and feelings down. I am here for you. My mum thinks I'm fine too. I'm here if you need to talk. I'm with you x x x x HUGS x x x x
Your post makes more sense than you think, hun. Hang in there!
I don't mean to freak you out, just to warn you. You are probably better off at home than in a psych ward. All they do there is turn you into even more of a mental fuck up.
Thankfully I'm feeling a lot better than I was the other day...funny how quick it can change with this stupid illness.
Anyway, about what you said concerning the hospitals. That's exactly why there's no way I would go in an NHS hospital around here. To be honest, I'd be safer at home.
But luckily I know that if I went into serious crisis and had no choice but to go into hospital...even though it costs a fortune. I would go into the one I went before, where my pdoc works. He comes down to see his patients every weekday when you an inpatient and the staff there are lovely.
In a way I'm very lucky because I recieve high rate disability and invalidity benifit (UK) so I'm basically just putting EVERYTHING into savings so that if I really have to go in...I can. I just don't want to pay out 4000 a week when like this time...it's just passed quite quickly.
x-Bliss-x
It's good to know I am not just imagining things.
Thanks for this post! xxxxx
Myself, I know that I have fought against really working on my own treatment... until just recently anyway... I didn't even understand that what you just described was me for the last 4 years... and all I can say it just controlling yourself is not enough... been there done that unknowingly and have serious breaks about every 5 years... blah blah blah, sorry, I run on and on from this.
sigh
ok, anyway, as you see, you are not alone, and many others experiance the same things... try to carry forward with a councellor who actually knows and works on DP specifically if you can, or at least someone who will research it to help.
The people you think don't care and understand are there beside you because they DO CARE... I bet they are just as lost and confused about what to do to help as well... I suggest you also get them to understand the illness so they can work with you.
sigh...
I am you and you are me.. I'm giving you advice that I'm trying so hard to give and use on myself.
Be brave... and be honest with yourself.