I have been browsing this website for a week now, joining in on a few conversations, but this one is the hardest for me to deal with, write about, and talk about. But I have to talk about it. Talking about it helps me cope. So here goes....

I have known for 26 years that something was very wrong with my husband. All my friends have problems in their marriages, but as we have talked, I have known that I was dealing with something different than any of them. And none of my friends can completely understand, because it's so weird.

For years I kept quiet about it and just tried to cope. I held out hope that our problems would get better. I thought there would be a miracle. There hasn't been one. And 26 years later I am still trying to cope, except today I know what I am dealing with. It's a painfully ugly personality disorder called schizoid. It has ruined my life, and the lives of my children. We all have issues that we will deal with for the rest of our lives.

Over the years I have thought at times he was narcissistic, OCD, just selfish, a workaholic, had an addictive personality, was gay, or was sexually abused as a child. Two months ago I stumbled upon a name and a website that describes him completely.

Here is my description of him:
*selfish, self absorbed, self centered

*he has no close relationships. He is not close to his family, and has no bond with me or our 2 adult children.

*He lies, deceives, and manipulates

*He doesn't want sex. Never has wanted sex. Even when we were first married, sex was rare. It is literally a miracle that I ever conceived our children. We have not had sex in 20 years.

*Any "conversation" with him is about him. If I try to tell him anything about anything else or anyone else, he ALWAYS brings it back to himself.

*He doesn't share anything.

*I have never known of him to help others, give anything to anyone, or do anything that didn't benefit himself in some way.

*He totally neglected our children while they were growing up, didn't participate in their lives, or help raise them in any way.

*He takes credit for anything I have ever done such as raising our kids, or painting our house, or taking care of our cars. Anything like that if the subject comes up around others, he will take the credit for doing it.

*He is a taker. NEVER a giver.

*I have to answer very difficult questions from our kids like "Why doesn't dad ever want to spend time with me?" or "Why does Dad lie" or "Why does Dad only buy things for himself" etc

*My most recent conversation with our 21 year old son he said "All I've ever been is a disappointment to Dad." He does treat our son like a disappointment. I can not deny it... :( He treats me like that, too.

*I have never measured up to his standards, never do anything right.

*He has told me on multiple occasions that any problems we have are because of me. He will straight up say he has no problems, and has done nothing wrong.

*I have caught him talking to other women inappropriately on the internet, and found text on his phone to other women.

*He tells me that he's not attracted to me, especially when I am having a bad day, and not laughing and joking around all day.

*He has many people fooled.

*His form of schizoid is "Hidden" or "Secret"

*He has no communication skills what so ever. He will text me from the other room rather than talk to me.

*When confronted, he uses projection s a defense.

*It all gets worse with age. At 53, he is really losing it. I honestly am at times afraid of him.

*He refuses counseling, or help, because he is the one with nothing wrong, and everyone else around him is wrong.

*He wants me to think I am crazy.

*He shows no normal emotions like grief, or pain, or sadness, or concern for others what so ever.

His brother, and one of his sisters has the same disorder. That whole side of the family is "crazy" so to speak. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse are both common. I strongly suspect they were all neglected as children. One of his Aunts committed suicide. No one ever talks about her. I suspect she was schizophrenic.

Whew! If you've made it through reading this, thank you! If you are married to a schizoid, then you want to shout right now because you totally recognize and relate to everything I've said. I hope and pray this helps someone to know they are not alone! Lliving with a schizoid is such a lonely existence. And that's all our marriage is, existence. I am incredibly blessed to have a wonderful family, many close friends, and a great relationship with my kids. I couldn't make it without them!

Thank you so much for reading! Feel free to respond if you can relate. I'd love to hear from you!