Nohelpnow - I love the gummy bear avatar.

I think many of us, including myself, have had these feelings that you do. I have had experiences where I was there but I wasn't truly there - where I was just so disconnected. Honestly, I try using self soothing and grounding techniques when this happens like running cold water on my wrists or chewing cinnamon gum or popping an Altoid.

By the way - you are something. You are someone. Remember that.

Lost, I thought it was very fitting that I should respond to you. Our names being so similar. I know exactly how you feel and yes there is some comfort in knowing that you are unnoticable. It's like it takes all the expectations off of you but then there is the lonely side. The part that longs for someone who truely cares and loves you unconditionally. I know right now that is way out of your comfort zone. But don't allow your abuser to keep making you a victim. The past is done what happens now is up to you. Please get the help and support you need so you can have the life you deserved all along. ((hugs))

These feelings are symptoms from our life experiences. To develop PTSP or Borderline we have endured a lot, that is why I like to call us survivors.

So I want you to know that you are a survivor. A survivor is very important and stronger than they may even realize. So you are more than what your abusers have lied to you about.

You are one of the best, a survivor.

Hugs,
Tamara

I sometimes think of it as a breaching of mind, rather than a coming of symptoms. Your brain ultimately will fit the best reality it has for itself to actually hide the nastier parts even though I am sure this can feel quite uncomfortable without being able to explain to others why.
And like they'd understand? That is apart of it right. We feel no one understands us but that habit type thinking is often conditioning, because behind it is a need for approval which cannot be quenched.
In my mind should I give you advice? That's the thing, - who's right is it to do so? it is our capability to change reality and how we personally do it, not the suffocation of a mindframe of realities trying to sway you in all directions - to the best fit of 'self' and 'other'.
Instead think of self as if it is newly born to all situations, even the tidious ones you've overanalysed again and again - that actually, it is the thing it used to be, but, perceptively open yourself up to the new dimensions of thinking.
Frankly it has felt lately that reality has been literally haressing me, but I try to think of it that I have not been woken up yet and my mind is trying to rewire itself.
It's doing it alone, and that's tough because I think, yeah, now I wear this new suit but I've still got a LOT of anxiety - just someone sitting next to me a minute ago at the library. A couple; thought they were whispering about me and going to beat me up!
And it's delusional right?
Well I've been up and down on that rollercoaster for so long, all I can do now is to try and see the beautiful parts of a powerful mind - even in the ones I percieve as bad, or threatening.
See it is a river, and even if THEY don't understand themselves or they know themselves too well but callously use it against you they cannot see the beauty in their power that, human minds can be amazing and not only analysing reality - but formerly, creating realities also, like little genies in a lamp.

That is what I focus on. Despite -even- the "lack" of emptiness, but an uncalled, unamed thing. Despite the rediculous superstitious connections in life that seem threatening, I try to educate myself that, perhaps there is a reason for it and I've been trained to think this way.
To be a passive observer in my own mind that had to gently split into ripples.
now think of that ripple as a big dimension, not just an empty space - but the ripple and it's power to move is like an engine of perceptive focus, no matter how hard it is.
There is no reason to listen to media, parents, abusers, or covert 'vultures', or reality changers until you see that they too are apart of reality and in fact you knew the answers all along.
If others can hold onto their suvival with both greedy hands it is your right as well, but in this case I think it is different.
You want to live, because you are reaching out - not at us, but in your own mind which doesn't seem to answer you in the way you want. Nor do others.
Others can understand you and 'get it' but it doesn't mean it'll click or they share you reality or intuition, that alone is a stranger to others sometimes even to yourself.
But what is eating you away, possibly, and only possibly - just as myself, is parts of illusions, not whole ones, they are apart of puzzles which your mind has left out on the table for you to put back together.
Which piece do you want to pick up first? It is your reality.